catching up!!
lots of new food for thought here.

first, yes H is following MB, but mainly by going by the books. We bought his needs her needs, love busters and surviving an affair.
I try to meet his needs and he tries to meet mine.
We've tried to follow POJAed on everything - from big things like buying a house to small things like what we have for dinner. We spend lots of time together, whether talking, making dinner together etc.
I feel like overall he is doing the right things, which is why sometimes I feel like the problem is me. Which makes it doubly hard. Part of this is a deep anger and resentment that I deserve better. As I mentioned, I was a little traumatized by an affair in my own parents marriage (which btw resulted in a half sibling) and its like I swore to myself that I would never and could never live and build my life with anyone who cheated on me.
Now its happened to me and in the worst way.
We've been married for 8 years now and frankly 6 of those years I have happy memories. Except now I look back on them and they are ruined with knowing that he was with OW for the majority of the time. They feel as if they were an illusion where I was living in a bubble that wasn't real.

I appreciate the point that he chose me over her in the end and that it obviously wasn't because we had children or any other such ties. Very true. Which is of course the reason I stayed with him too, because we fell in love and this love is really what keeps things going.
But I must admit, that even so, I keep wondering if I should allow myself to move on from something that might just forever haunt me and maybe find love again one day with someone with whom I would not have this kind of history and start with MB right off the bat. I want to look at the father of my children and not see him in the arms of another woman.
I fully believe in second chances. Maybe H can learn from his mistakes and find someone later to whom he will never do such a thing.

I love him and truly, our relationship has been good, but there are times I still feel that the whole fact that I'm even with him right now is unnatural. That maybe I was too eager to forgive him and compromised my own values and standards for doing so.
Our relationship has become 100% better, but inside something in my is simply rotting day by day. I don't know if there is a cure for this poison. And the question I face right now is will I heal better, by admitting that I can't heal from this and giving us both a second chance with someone else in our future where we would both learn from this, and do this right the next time.

Have you considered calling the radio program? That might help you get specific info.

You do raise an interesting side point about your parents' marriage and your previous conviction about how you would respond to infidelity. I'm in a similar boat in that my Dad was wayward and left my mom, sister, and myself for his affair partner, who he later married (eventually she cheated on him). I've thought a lot about whether I've invited affairs into my marriage by staying in a renters relationship unknowingly. Have you read about Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders? It's a really helpful book on how relationships can be wrong from the start. Anyways, I've accepted a lot of responsibility for not having higher standards to begin with there's also the little theory that we can manifest into reality the things we most think about, even if it's a negative thing. So being so committed to not having infidelity in our marriages, could you and I have unconsciously brought it into being? Anyways...just a side thought. But I will say that if I were in your shoes, I would never try to recover that marriage. Too me, the damage would be too much if there were no kids, and the risk too great to bring kids into.

Also FWIW, I am about 90% ready to get my tubes tied, just so there's absolutely no chance that another child of mine could risk a broken home. I'm also seriously considering no relationships until my youngest is out of the house. Because if you think it's hard to experience it yourself, watching your children have to deal with a wayward parent/step-parent is 100 x worse.

hi again 2cents. have you given some thought to working with the harleys to see if you can overcome your resentment? or are you leaning towards D?

after reading the rest of your thread, with no children, and an a that lasted nearly as long as your M, and considering that you're <30, i do not see why you wouldn't seriously consider plan d. even if things are good now, there is a lot less stress in your M life than there will be in the future with kids, mortgage, bills, etc.

what do you think?

I have thought about counseling ... but I realize that counseling will be in effort to save my marriage, which I somehow am not so sure is what I will ultimately lean towards.
I think tools to help me overcome resentment will be great, but I often think that I will overcome the resentment a lot faster if I no longer have to share and build my life with the person that caused all this resentment, even if he is a changed man now.

I do worry about kids - as others have said, it introduces a huge responsibility in life and will strain our marriage down the line. I just need to think about whether this is ultimately the person I wish to spend life with. I love him... but there are days that I hate him too and as black raven said, certain things feel seared into my mind permanently.

I am interested to hear what conditions began the A and if those conditions have been eliminated?

It sounds very sexual in nature and she sounds very insecure and porn-star-esque - how did they meet? Did it begin as a PA or EA?

Was porn use a factor in his A? Poor boundaries around women?

You may feel much better if those gaps are plugged up..

indiegirl, it started as an EA. He was still working on his degree at the time and met her online and later found they take classes at the same college and that she lives close. I don't know that she is insecure or anything - she goes for what she wants (including my husband). As I mentioned, she was very attractive and I'm sure very confident as a result. He said she wanted to explore the same things he did.
Granted, in her favor, he did not tell her (right away) that he was married. He lied to her too, and then confessed later which obviously didn't go well when she found out but I guess she was sucked in and the affair continued. I think she started seeing other people but they became addicted to each other.

I absolutely believe he had poor boundaries to say the least.
To be frank, I don't know that my gaps will ever be closed. I do think that MB is a wonderful program and we have come so far, but the stress and trauma that I feel I have experienced is not letting up very easily. It has been a comfort to come to these boards and at least see how I'm not alone, even though of course everyone's case is very unique.

Sad as it is, more and more I lean towards maybe dissolving this marriage. It scares me to think this, but I think it scares me even more to think that I will be building the rest of my life with someone who started out this way. What if it ever comes back. And by then kids and more may be involved.
And of course, with the history of the affair in my parents marriage, I believe my own experience now brings back the suffering I experienced in the past as well, instead of moving on from it. Maybe that's why I'm so sensitive to this having ever happened and am unable to be as healed as I maybe should have been by now.

Maybe you should consider individual counseling.
To determine what you want to do with your life

How goes it two cents? Are you still unsure whether or not you want to continue in the marriage?

Oh you dear sweet lady. Can I give you my "two cents"? (*.~) No, do not divorce. Your husband was an immature man who did put too much emphasis on sex. You are right in saying the media makes women look �perfect� and it makes men think they need hot sex with a hot woman. Your husband had that. But was he fulfilled & content as a result? NO! B/c the missing element was love among other things. Your visuals you hold from his diaries and the videos are going to have to be viewed by you as in the past, a past your husband had that was not fulfilling. View it as it was, as he did, AN ACT, sex without love. Think about this: A woman is raised very differently than a man. (very double standard might I add but think abut this�) A female is raised moreso to be moral, to not be a slut, to save herself, to not have a lot of sex, to protect her �cherry�. Do you hear such things being taught to MEN/BOYS?! NO! lol Men are raised wrongly and oppositely. To be a stud, have sex, multiple partners, and they are confused and discontent creatures as a result! Sex is sex to such a man. Your husband was such a man. Your husband was along the way �molded� into wrong thinking which he found out after his selfishness relegated. But now, you can start over with this man. (and have been and sounds like a good thing you got going) Put the images and things you read into chapter 3 and move on to chapter 4. He does not want that life or that woman. You have to put aside your pride dear woman. Put aside your pride and stubborness. In finale, if a man LOVES a woman, he will have the best sex possible, a sex life that will far outweigh what you saw in that video!!! If a man loves a woman, she will be more beautiful physically to him than any hot woman in the media!

2cents, I have the same problem you do. How do we ever overcome the sexual intensity of the affair?

IP,

How do we ever overcome the sexual intensity of the affair?

Tough question, with MB and effort my W accepts me as a husband again and as a father, companion, handyman, massage person, provider, protector, emotional support, but my W has not really accepted me back as a lover like I was before her A. And that has been for 20+ years.

I was never looking for a porno actress either, just someone who likes kissing and initiates once a month or something.

To be fair it could just be that her guilt from the A turned into a habit.

God Bless
Gamma