I had a 1.5 year A. Left him end of June and asked to come back right before Labor Day. We started living together again. He suspected affair but didn't have proof. He did obtain it though. DDay was 9/14 and of course I TT - horrible I know.

We are still living together. It has been 2 months of hell, but we are still together. I work with the OM but he lives and works on the other side of the country so I have not seen him. I forward all emails to my husband and I will not travel to the same city that the OM is at. I have given all access to everything and have been transparent. I deeply regret what I have done to my husband and family.

My husband has been relentless the past 2 months as he should. Character flaws, integrity, honesty, loyalty, boundaries, etc. I understand I have a lot of work to do and am willing to do that. I have tried to help my BH through this time and am willing to do whatever it takes to get him to heal and be able to work on our marriage. I have not always done the right thing and have made mistakes for certain through this process, but I am trying to learn everyday.

I have learned to accept his anger and just let him vent, regardless of my opinion or feelings. This process is for him.

Now, this morning, he tells me that he cheated on me in the spring with a waitress at a restaurant/bar that we used to frequent. That was before the separation and before he knew of my A. I do not know the details as I did not want to hear them at the time, but I suspect it was just a few times perhaps. Honestly, right now it doesn't matter.

My question is I am torn. On the one hand I am in utter disbelief that after all the lectures, and I mean 100's of hours of him talking about honesty, boundaries and that I should have just admitted the A when I came back - to not try and control him and on and on. I mean he went as far as to say that he could break boundaries because he had strong enough character that he would never cross the line. Are you kidding me???

On the other hand I do want to help him heal and put him above myself.

My A does not compare to his cheating.

FWW-42, BH-37
4kids - 2 mine 12 &14, 2 ours 2 & 5
Over year EA/PA
DDay 9/14/12
T-12yrs, M-6yrs
Begging for a second chance.

Welcome to MB, IP.

What do you mean by "My A does not compare to his cheating."? In what way are you trying to compare them? WHY are you trying to compare them?

You say "my question is I'm torn", but that isn't a question. What is your question?

What do you mean by "I work with the OM but he lives and works on the other side of the country"? Do you work with OM or not?

How have you and your H been together for 12 years but you have a 12 year-old? Did you start your relationship with your H while married to your children's father?

IP,

Wow there is just so much to untangle here, if I understand your timeline correctly your affair began as an emotional affair before his brief affair with a waitress. Can you possibly lay out when these events happened?

Is the OM married, is the waitress married?

God Bless
Gamma

I am divorced with 2 older children from a previous marriage.

The OM and I are co-workers but I am on the east coast and he on the west coast. We spent our time together while traveling for work. We are both exec so could determine are schedules. The OM is not married but has a longtime gf.

My A started in July 2011. My husband apparently cheated in the spring of this year, though the phone records show they started to text each other in december.

I guess I'm making comparisons because that's what he will say I'm doing. That by holding him accountable for it I am justifying my A.

I don't know how to approach it really so he see's my pov.

IP,

Offer to get DNA tests for your common children, offer to take a polygraph test, and very important have you been tested for STDs?

Have you told you WH everything, I know some women become terrified and hold back details, but you have to be completely honest if you want to recover you can't fix dishonesty with more lies.

Has your WH informed the OMs GF about what happened? Have you exposed the OM to personal at your company.

I don't think anyone at MB thinks one affair justifies another, the second affair does not cancel out the pain it doubles it.

Ok so your timeline is?

2010? Your emotional affair begins, disconnect emotionally/ sexually from your WH?

July 2011 your physical affair begins

Dec 2011 your WH emotional affair begins

March 2012 your WH has brief physical affair

Sept 2012 your WH figures out you had an affair

Since it is Thanksgiving it may take awhile for more people to respond.

God Bless
Gamma

IP,

People are asking about how your first marriage because from the length of your relationship with WH and the age of your children, it sound like your relationship with your WH began as an affair which destroyed your first marriage.

If that is the case you have alot of work to do as affairages are not easy to maintain.

God Bless
Gamma

I have told him everything at this point. It took 2 months to tell him everything, but he has it now.

My H sent a message on FB to OM's GF.

Timeline is:

I guess it really just started as a PA - 6/2011 - 8/2012
I left my H in 6/2012
Came back at the end 8/2012 but did not tell him about the affair
DDay 9/14/12
He told me that he cheated in the spring of this year, though I suspect it was 12/11 and maybe a few additional times with her through the spring of this year.

I am so sad. I just feel like it is so broken that it can't be repaired. We do love each other. I know that may sound strange, but we really do. I just don't know how we are going to fix this at this point.

I did end the A and do not want anything to do with the OM. My choice. OM wanted more. I came back because I love my H.

We have worked so hard in the past 2 months. He has been through hell with me TT the details. I have had to face who I am and what I have done to my H and family.

But now this. I feel so broken. I want to just let his cheating go and move forward, but I know that I can't.

He will just see it as justifying what I did, but that's not it. I want him to face what he has done so we both can move forward. I'm not sure he will be able to see through his pain to realize that he betrayed me too. Doesn't make either one right, but it does mean we both have to change and heal.

Did your marriage begin as an affair?

IP,

Did your H confront the OM and are you sure the OMs GF knows, I would have him give her a phone call.

Has your H reported OM to personnel at your company?

God Bless
Gamma

With respect, that is not what I asked you. Please answer my question about your twelve year relationship and your twelve year-old child. Did this relationship begin when you were still married?