Married to LongHaul - hoping he will post as well.

Background:
Married 17 years, 2 daughters, 14 & 11
5 years ago, I discovered LongHaul was talking exceesively to female co-worker. When confronted, he said he would stop. I was told female co-worker was having an affair with another co-worker and they (LongHaul & female) were "just friends".

Contact "appeared" to stop. The male co-worker got fired. LongHaul and OW started talking again on the phone - supposedly about the drama with the firing. We were arguing about it. I was told repeatedly, "I get it." "The contact stops now.", etc.

Then, no more evidence of contact, until a phone call 2 months afterwards. LongHaul didn't tell me about the phone call. It caused an argument, and LongHaul told me he "doesn't do well with this" - me getting upset over just one phone call.

Then no evidence of contact. A few months after this, LongHaul had a conference 30 miles away and wanted me to attend. We had argued so I didn't want to go. He told me he was leaving me. The conference was supposed to be for one night only. He didn't come home the second night and wouldn't answer my calls.

Then started a bleak period of verbal and emotional abuse - usually on a 6 week cycle. Our marriage started spiraling down. There would be periods where I thought everything was going to be OK, but it would get bad again. LongHaul would say he was leaving me and wanted a divorce about every 6 months. He was drinking "with the boys" (usually at our house) and had lots of independent behavior.

Last summer, I researched verbal abuse and realized that is what was happening to me. I wrote up an "agreement" based on a book I had read and had him sign it. LongHaul made a big improvement with regards to verbal abuse at this time. But, I couldn't understand why I wasn't feeling better toward him. He threatened to leave again in March of this year.

I had known about MB, so I told him I wanted to purchase it. He initially told me to "hold off" (because he was planning to leave anyway). We finally purchased it - he promised to do it, but was unwilling. I was tired of nagging and begging. He threatened to leave again in September and verbally abused me earlier this month.

Last Friday, I asked LongHaul to take a polygraph to prove to me that he didn't have an affair. At first he agreed. On Saturday when I brought it up again, he refused. I tried again and he told me that he just wanted a divorce. He brought our girls in and told them we were divorcing. They, and I, were devastated. I told the girls the reason was that he refused to take a polygraph to ease my mind.

Finally, he confessed on Monday - more coming out each day. He did have an A with the female co-worker. He said it didn't start until after the male co-worker was fired. He initially said it ended 4 1/2 years ago and that he had NO contact with her since then, except at weekly meetings.

As more information trickled to me, WH confessed that they see each other much more often than just the meetings - but all "casual" and never one-on-one. Then more - he said "2 years ago" she asked him to help take her car to the shop. He followed her, then when she got in the car, he drove straight to her house and attempted to re-ignite the affair. According to him, they only kissed - she stopped it. This was the first time I heard that they had been in her house. He said it was the second time they had been in the house, but they never had sex there.

All but one sex act happened at the workplace at the end of the day. One encounter was when he took her on a motorcycle ride.

After the initial confession, I exposed to OWH, our children, & WH�s parents. OW called WH within 1 hour of me exposing to OWH. OWH sent me a message on WH�s Facebook. I responded. She sent 2 more messages, then blocked our accounts.

He agreed to the polygraph. It was today. He passed. He has written the NC letter. We didn�t get it in the mail today.

Right now he appears VERY committed to doing what it takes to repair the damage the affair has done. I SO want to believe him because I love him very much, but it is hard for me to let my guard down. He was often this loving after the verbal abuse episodes. I compare it to Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde.

The first years of our marriage were wonderful. I want that back - but better.

We have started the EP list, which I�d like to post for input. He is resistant to quitting his job. I want to know if there can be compromises on the timing of him quitting. I'll provide more information about the job in a later post.

I want to know what to expect. We know it won't be easy and I want to be prepared.

Hi strongerme, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here. It sounds like you have done a lot of the right things. It would be very helpful if your husband would post here and give his perspective. He will get lots of support here from others who have been though the same thing.

EPs - used another MB post to get these going

Category 1
- Change cell phone number and give password & account access to your spouse.
- Eliminate Facebook
- Take a polygraph, be open to another if I want it (he took and passed one today)
- List out passwords for all business and personal computer logins, and any other passwords my spouse does not have access to.
- Give my spouse access to any banking/financial accounts, business and personal.
- Sell any vehicle OW was in - the sex act was on the previous motorcyle, but he has given her a ride on his current motorcycle (purchased spring/summer of 2010) - says he should be able to keep it since it had a different back seat on it back then.

(he has always been open with email & Facebook passwords)

Category #2

- If OW finds a way to make contact, I will immediately end the contact and notify my spouse about it immediately after.
- If OW calls me, I will hang up immediately, without one word.
- If OW physically approaches me, I will walk in the opposite direction, without saying one word.
- If OW continues to follow me, I will walk to the supervisor�s office.
- I will protect my spouse and their feelings above all else.
- I will not participate in any one-on-one meetings with anyone of the opposite sex.
- I will not discuss my personal marriage issues with anyone of the opposite sex.
- I will not call anyone of the opposite sex, unless for strictly work-related issues.
- I will not accept a call from anyone of the opposite sex, unless for strictly work-related issues.
- I will not attend clubs, strip joints, or any such establishment
- I agree to use Policy of Joint Agreement as a basis for all decisions.
- I will be open and honest with my spouse at all times about the past and present.
- I will provide my spouse a daily schedule of all appointments and contact information, if requested.
- If I need to make an adjustment to my schedule, I will notify my spouse of the change immediately.
- I will make my spouse�s phone calls my highest priority by answering them or returning them immediately.
- I will avoid all porn.
- I will trade phones with my spouse at any time they request, NO questions asked.
- I will leave my phone accessible to my spouse at night/or anytime I�m home.
- I will commit to at least 15 hours of undivided attention with my spouse to meet each other�s emotional needs every week (time working together does not count toward those 15 hours).
- I will install a keylogger, GPS, or any other tracking system my spouse may request.
- Anytime I have the thought, �I don�t want my spouse to know about��.�, I will call my spouse immediately and tell them my thoughts.
- Anything else my spouse wants as a boundary.

Welcome to MB Stronger, and sorry that you are here.

I see that you said that you bought the MB course, but your WH was unwilling to do it. Firstly, did you buy the at home course, or the online one? One means that you would have a direct link to DrH through the private forums. Secondly, is your WH still unwilling to use MB? Would he be willing to post on the forum? I know that it can seem scary to WSs to post here, but there really is a lot of help to be had here.

Does your WH still see OW at all? What are his "relationships" like with members of the OS? You do know that affairs start because of the WSs poor boundaries, allowing people of the opposite sex to meet their most intimate ENs?

Have you read any of the MB material yourself?

My post is that I agree with everything my wife has posted. I am doing this for my wife to heal, my family to stay together, and make our marriage stronger than ever through trust, honesty, communication everyday. I want us to get back to where we were in the first years of our marriage but stronger and never forgetting what I have done to my family. I am so appreciative for everyday I have with her and that she is giving us a chance to rebuild from the damage I have caused. Our goal is that this will be a 2 yr. rebuild process. The OW works in a building where we do not see each other. There is no contact and hasn�t been any contact in 2 yrs. I have agreed and we are putting in place EP�s on the above thread. Please give your input on any additions or deletions to the EP�s. I am open to getting another job for my wife so that she can heal and our relationship can move forward by using the building blocks we have put in place in the EP�s.

By no contact, my husband LongHaul means that they've had no physical contact in 1 - 2 years. (He can't remember exactly when the trip to her house was.)

He sees her at the weekly meetings, sometimes at lunch, when he's gone in her building for lunch. They've had some casual chat at lunch. Since the confession, he has promised that he won't go over to her building for lunch. He had to talk to her for a work-related task earlier this year.

We originally bought the home study course. Today I bought the online course.

He has agreed with the EPs.

I'd like to welcome both of you.

I started a new thread for LongHaul. I titled it LongHaul's thread.... I hope you don't mind.

I copied his first post so that he can ask and answer questions there. This will make it easier for StrongerMe to ask and answer questions on this thread.

It's darn near impossible for husband and wife to be on the same thread together... It gets too confusing.

StrongerMe, do you both understand that he will have to leave that job? The only way to recover is through complete and total no contact. That means they do not EVER see each other again, and most certainly do not work at the same place. What is being done about that?

He must have NC with OW, first of all. You can't try to recover if he is still in any kind of contact from his (former?) drug of choice.

If it comes to it, he will have to quit his job if transferring away from her is not an option.

StrongerMe, a couple of questions and comments on your post.

it appears the OW has had other affairs at the workplace? How many affairs has she had? Why was the other co-worker fired? What happened?

I am very concerned about your husband's constant threats to leave you. That is an extremely abusive tactic that is often used by spouses to manipulate the other spouse. What is behind these threats?


The sooner he is out of there, the faster your marriage can recover. Ending ALL CONTACT is Step #1 and you can't move onto the next step until he is out of there. Every day he goes there for work will be an absolute nightmare for you. One way to compromise would be for both of you to visit his HR director on Monday and tell them about the affair. [I suggest you do this regardless] Ask them to transfer your husband or give him a leave of absence. Since the OW sounds like the workplace tramp, is it feasible they might fire her? If so, that might allow your husband to stay there longer while he seeks other employment.

Have you both been tested for STDs?

Does your husband have opposite sex friendships? What about other "friendships" at work? Will he end that kind of behavior?

SM welcome to MB, I am sorry for the pain that has brought you here.

You have received great advice so far. I agree with the other posters Longhaul needs to have NC with OW for you to rebuild your marriage.

Welcome to MB StrongerMe.

HE says he should be able to keep it...this is not his decision to make. If he is remorseful and wants to heal you from the devastating pain of having to think about some skank riding on a motorcycle behind your husband, he will ask YOU what YOU want to do with skankcycle. YOU get to make the decision on whether or not this is a trigger for you, and whether he should get to keep it, new seat or not.

If this is a trigger, and I can't imagine that it wouldn't be, it needs to go. Your WH subjecting you to devastating imagery of him and skanky every time you see it sitting in the garage is like salt in an open wound.

If he is upset about having to give up his toy, you can remind him that this is just one of many consequences of his decision to have an affair. You and your girls have many consequences, and you are the innocent victims. At least the consequences that affect him are because of his OWN choices, he is not an innocent victim.

I was overwhelmed with all the support I saw on here already. Thank you.

WH and I have been talking for hours, last night, early this morning, and again just a bit ago. In so many ways, I feel closer to him than I ever have.

Job: They are both teachers at a specialized school - meaning WH is the ONLY person in his DISTRICT that teaches the subject that he does. In other words, transferring to another school would be very difficult, as there is only one position like his in any school district in our state.

He is up for re-certification in January. He is under contract now and is concerned that if he breaks the contract, he'll NEVER be recertified; therefore, never be able to teach again. I think I could wait until January for him to get his re-certification. It is really 3 weeks, because of Christmas break. But then, I don't know WHEN in January...

At first I just wanted him not to work with OW. Now, I don't even want him at the school because that is where all but 1 PA encounter took place, and most of the EA conversations took place. I can't imagine even stepping one toe in the room. & it was his room, not hers, so if he continues to work there, I could hardly avoid it.

Last night he said he didn't know if it would just cause him a lot of guilt being there. He also feels a great sense of responsibility for the program he has built, and the students that depend upon him. I finally told him that I'm ready to focus on MY feelings about this instead of his. I LOVE him, I know he's been beating himself up about this for years. I know he's embarrassed and ashamed and feels terrible for what he's done, but I'm ready for someone to feel sorry for ME. But, I feel selfish for saying that because he has been trying so hard to do all he can. I think this was an epiphany for him, and I can tell he's focusing more on me now. It is helping.

Back to the job - he is really a fantastic teacher. I think it is his calling. I'm willing to compromise on waiting until January - but I DON'T want to jeopardize the rest of our lives by waiting. Would like opinions on how we could possibly make it possible for him to continue teaching. This job is potentially opening up in the next year or 2 in another district - same driving distance, actually fairly close to my job. He has said we could ride together every day. Of course, if he loses re-certification or gets fired, this will not be an option.

I want the best chance for success for our marriage. I think that finally, he does as well. My concern is that if he can't teach anymore, that may hurt our chances at happiness. But, he phrases it more like, he's OK if he can't teach anymore as long as he's with me. His concern is that he'll lose his teaching certification, we'll work on the marriage, and I still won't be able to overcome everything. Then I'll leave and he will be stuck in a job he hates.

OW:

OW - It is true that she has had multiple affairs. She had one with another coworker before LongHaul. When I was concerned about the phone calls, WH said he thought he was a "big boy" and could handle the friendship. He admits now that he should've listened to me. But he didn't. The other coworker was fired, and I guess OW and WH became closer talking about the drama of that. I don't really know.

When the PA ended, WH says it was another couple of years before she asked him to help her with the car. Again, he said he thought, "this is nothing. I can do that for her - it's no big deal." But then, as he was driving, he had thoughts and drove to her house. Another time, she called him and told him about ANOTHER coworker that had propositioned her. WH said he didn't have a reaction. He now feels that she was trying to get one out of him.

Sometime in the midst of this, she was in trouble at school for something she was doing with someone. WH is very vague about this. Frankly, I don't know if he knows more about it or not. But, his feeling is that OW almost got fired at that time.

This past summer, she was arrested for "inappropriate phone use". She is charged with harassing/threatening the BW of ANOTHER man she was having an affair with. It was at this time that WH said he finally saw her in a different light. He said, when he heard about it and saw the mugshot, he realized how stupid he'd been.

You will be able to overcome everything *IF* you follow this program, that is not in doubt. It works when you work it. However, you are guaranteed to fail if he doesn't get out of there.

I am not clear on how waiting for the certification gets him out of there? Lets say he gets recertified, then what? He leaves the job?

As far as this being his "calling," that "calling" has just about destroyed his marriage and his children's family. He needs to not answer that call anymore by finding a job that complements his marriage instead of harms it. A job should complement a marriage, not the other way around. His little dream job has become you and your children's worst nightmare.

He has proven that the temptation of working with other female teachers in such close proximity is too much of a temptation for him. One of the first steps in recovery from an affair is changing the environment that led to the affair. Dr. Harley points this out in Requirements for Recovery and it is absolutely true:

here


Putting the career before the marriage means your marriage will suffer and will hurt your chance at happiness. There are lots of other careers that will bring him happiness but not every career will make your marriage happy. I would approach this in a different way: discuss what is best for your marriage FIRST and then find a career that will complement it.

Opposite Sex Friendships:

Last night I picked a few female friends of WH. I went through cell phone records and wrote down all the days he talked with them. It covered a full piece of paper, and I only picked 4 or 5.

He eats lunch with 2 other female teachers often. One of them is divorced. He rode the motorcycle with her & a group of other people and didn't tell me about it. She told him that she'd only ride if he cleared it with me. I never knew

To be finished later. Going to let LongHaul read his thread.

She has a long pattern of pursuing men in the workplace and has obviously wrecked many families besides yours. I don't understand the charge of "inappropriate phone use." Is there even such a thing? That sounds like it has been very minimized.

Has your husband already been in trouble at work for this affair?

Even more evidence that he needs to be out of that environment. Going back into that environment would be like the alcoholic going into the bar every day and having drinks. He changes the name of his drinks to "business drinks" and imagines he can get sober.