After reading His Needs Her Needs my husband and I had a discussion about his need for physical attraction. We are trying to recover from his affair. He has admitted that he is not physically attracted to me and hasn't been since we had kids. I'm not a beauty queen but I do all the things to improve one's self as mentioned in the book. I'm thin, wear makeup, keep up on style, etc. He has identified this as his number one emotional need. Am I in a losing battle in trying to save our marriage if there is nothing I can do to meet this need?

A few questions. When did his affair end? Did he end all contact with the OW? Does he view porn?

How long married? How many kids? HNHN is not a book for recovery after an affair; do you have Survivng an Affair?

And what about your appearance is different from when you met and married? What is his complaint about your appearance?

His physical affair ended in January although he kept in contact with her until I discovered the affair on Oct 8. He has now stopped all contact to my knowledge and has committed to working on our marriage. I have read numerous affair recovery books and read HNHN hoping to begin working on our marriage issues. We have been married for 12 years with 2 kids. Two things have changed about my appearance, I'm 12 years older than when we married and my stomach got stretched out after being pregnant. The other woman is 10 years younger than us. He says he does not engage in porn (but has in the past). He says I am a fine looking woman just not as beautiful as the OW or other woman that apparently hit on him or have pursued him in the past.

It reminds me of the saying.."Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"

He sounds like so many men, who are attracted to empty women, because he can be, and he can't have them..

What this site is about, is the character of people, and not the glitz of whatever he thinks is beauty, or attractiveness.

Because you are here, you have shown character, and welcome to MB

Are you sure he has ended all contact? How have you verified this? Is the OW married, and if so, have you informed her husband? Has his affair been exposed to your family and friends?


What does he do and where is he where he gets hit on by women? That is very unusual for married men to get hit on. Where does this happen?

The ONLY one I know of that can transform a marriage after an affair is Surviving an Affair. It is completely different from any program out there.

I would ask the mods to move your thread to the Surviving an Affair forum because your issues are ENTIRELY related to his affair.

Was this his only affair?

When he married you, the competition should have been CLOSED forever. It sounds like the competition is still open. WHO has hit on him or pursued him? What are their names and what has he done to put a stop to this? Has he stopped going to places where hoes "pursue" him?

What is he doing to protect you from another affair?

Good question, how did this fantasy continue on after marriage? What does he think marriage is? How does he get away with treating you as second best?

These are all good points and ones I keep running over in my head. I can't help but think he some how is attracting this attention from other women, although he says he is not. Although he puts himself in places like bars and the gym where it keeps happening. He also has walked away from believing in God because he found himself not attracted to me and was so frustrated with God's design for marriage. He no longer sees the value in a traditional marriage but thinks that people can have all the same benefits and love in committed relationships without begin married. He has changed so much in the last five years I hardly recognize my husband.All these reasons make me wonder if I'm fighting a losing battle to save my marriage and I should just end things now before I get cheated on again.

I agree with you 100%. This is a man who is not serious about marriage and is not safe for you. He will drive you crazy by putting you in the position to have to compete with other skanks. That is a dangerous position for any woman. No married woman should EVER have to compete for her husband. That is how women have nervous breakdowns.

My suggestion would be to separate and go into a very dark Plan B and don't have any contact with him unless and until he agrees to abide by extraordinary precautions to protect you from another affair. That means staying out of bars and gyms, ending all opposite sex friendships and behaving like a married man instead of a playah.

If he doesn't meet your conditions, then you are better off divorced. But if you separate now, you protect yourself from his neglect and abuse.

Did you expose his affair to everybody?

Check out these articles: What are Plan A and Plan B?

HOW TO PLAN B CORRECTLY

These are things your husband should be doing to earn your forgiveness after his affair - you should not settle for anything less than this:

Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

Your Dday is very recent. Anything your WH says are justifications and blame shifting for his cheating...take it with a grain of salt...this is typical. Did your WH ever complain about your PA before his affair?

I would suggest you hit the Notify button and request that your thread be moved to the SAA Forum. Sorry you find yourself here but welcome to MB.

Please read Melody's post at least three times.
Those are really mean comments, saying that you are just not up to par. Comparing you to all 3 billion women in the world and then saying he is not attracted to you.

Question: is your husband the one and only best looking man in the world? Does he have hairs in his ears? Does he have stinky socks? does he have hair between his but? Would we all instantly find fault with our own husbands after having seen him? No we would not, I can assure you.

I would like to bet, that he cannot be held to his own expectations. Hopefully he only says these cruel things because he is still in the fog. If he has always been this courteous to you then he will have to be retrained.

You are not doing anything wrong. He has decided he cannot be pleases with your appearance at the moment. Either because of the fog, because of some sadistic joy he gets from putting you down or from a combination. Don't lose the faith. You are doing a good job.

Take care, Happyheart

Oh this is probably the truth, that cruel treatment of you solidifies his own egotistical belief that he has the right to, and he deserves more..

When his wife is there right before him, and he has it all really.

So you are going to the gym with him, right?

Can't really control what he's doing. You only can decide if you are going to put up with it or not. You only have control over what you do.

So are you going to the gym with him? Is there a reason why you cannot make going to the gym part of your recreational time with your husband? It helps with two issues, being an attractive spouse and spending time doing something hopefully both of you enjoy. Not to mention working out produces endorphins, which should make you feel better.
Could be a red flag. It could mean the marriage was not fulfilling to him. Not an acceptable excuse for an affair. But it is valuable information should you choose to continue the marriage.

What are his specific complaints that have lead to both his disenchantment with you and with marriage in general? What can you do to address them?

Again, maybe it is. Maybe he is not marriage material. But Surviving an Affair can help you to address your side of the street so you can see if he returns to the fold or is not quality spouse material.

If you are the model spouse and he doesn't change, then the problem is him, not you.

There is nothing wrong with him having a high standard for a spouse. Marriage Builders preaches having high standards. That includes Attractive Spouse.

The problem is not his standard, it's how he has chosen to accommodate that standard, by looking outside his marriage.

I suspect that since he is going to the gym, he probably does keep himself to a relatively high standard.

You cannot change his standard, but you can decide if you are going to seek to meet it, or if you are no longer willing to put time, talent and treasure into this marriage.