I've been married for almost 8 years, and this past August I found out my wife was having an affair since earlier this year. We had drifted apart over the last year or so, and she turned to a male coworker who listened to her, and gave her the attention she wasn't getting from me. Well, fast forward to today and it has been 3 months since I found out. We have been to counseling, and read Dr. Harley's book "Surviving an Affair". I firmly believe she need to break all contact with the OM, but they work close together, and she still runs into him. She says the affair has stopped (last sexual encounter was October 15), but she cannot get over him. She is in a very depressed state most of the time, and our two young children are definately keeping us under the same roof because neither of us could live without them. I want to try to work on our marriage, but I know we can't really do much until she can shut this guy off for a while. I have wanted to just give up and divorce her, but I realize this would not solve any problems, just create new ones. I wonder every day if I can make it through without just giving up and filing the papers. We had bought tickets to visit friends in Paris, France this coming Thanksgiving (for 5 days) without the kids. It would be the first real time away alone without kids in over 3 years. I think we could turn things around, if we can just "get to Paris"!

It is going to take a lot longer then a few weks for your wife to get over the OM. The trip to Paris could be a good start but it is only a start. It will take a lot of time and pain for her to get over the OM, everyone here will tell you that. There are some whos S having be going through withdrawal for months. So hang in there and remember baby step and lots of patiences and love.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Hi mjingit, I know it might seem that nothing can be done untill she shuts him off, but indeed there is a lot that can be done. Find out why you were drifting apart before and fix it if you can. Do your best to keep her love bank full, even if she doesn't seem to be accepting. Talk with her - avoid the topic of the affair for a bit, for that will only get her to be defensive and to avoid talking - but talk about everything else, tings she enjoys,, things you used to enjoy together, your hopes and dreams... try to make her time with you as relaxed and comfortable as possible. Let her get used to the idea that she enjoys being with you. This might help her realise the om is not important for her a she thinks , and make it easier to give it up.<BR>It might be difficult at first because it will seem like she's rejecting every nice thing you're doing and fighting you all the way, but many times all we are doing is actually staying inside and it will come out later, when she is less confused.<P>I think going to Paris is great. Not only because it is such a beautifull city, but even better it will get her away from the om. It might help the situation.<BR>However please do not keep your hopes to high on this one. There is no quick fix, and even Paris might not do it. You see, things took a while until they got to this point, they are going to take a while to get better too. You might have a wonderfull time in Paris just to get back home and see that things go back a bit again. DOn't let that discourage you, it's all part of the process. <BR>Do your part, make your time together a enjoyable one. and look for small positive things - don't expect big ones yet.<P>Take care.<BR>Have a great time in Paris, it is a magic city.<BR>And keep us posted<P>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Sorry Kat1, but I am going to have say I don't believe that she will ever really get back to working on the marriage until OM is gone and she can go through the withdrawal and move on. How can you move on when you see this person everyday?<P>MJINGIT, I went through the same thing. My H said he could stop the relationship and we could move on. This was in March. I believe and they continued to see each other. It killed me. Each time I found out (about three different times)I threatened to leave and he somehow convinced me THIS time was different. We had a chance in April to go away for a few days without kids and it helped somewhat. We were able to talk more than we had in a long time. Finally the last straw came when at the end of June I find out he is still having contact with her. I was packing my bags to leave and this time he promised to change jobs and leave the area if I would stay. He sent her an e-mail saying it was really over (forwarded to me to see) and she responded with some F*** Y**'s and such and then filed a harrassemnt suite. I have kept all of their e-mails I have found so she did not have a leg to stand on and she disappeared from work the next day never to come back. Claims to be some illness...Yeah...mental illness, broken heart, whatever.<P>My feelings are you are bound to go through much heartache over the next few months unless you can convince her to get a new job. I was willing to live in poverty if my H would only go somewhere to be away from her and let us work on our marriage. It is amazing the change he has made since July. We are so close now and he has made so many efforts I never thought I would see. He gives me full access to his e-mail, voice mail and he will answer any questions I ask.<P>I really feel if she wants to work on the marriage she needs to get as far away from him as possible. I wish you the best of luck!

Mjingit, <P>My wife has been involved in an affair for over a year now. It's been 9 months since discovery and 5 months since she ended it. In September she was forced to see this man each day and our recovery did take a nose dive for a month or so. She wanted to remain "just friends" with this guy.<P>I believe it is possible to recovery even though they work together. It makes recovery much longer and much more difficult. The temptation is there and your ability to replace this OM emotionally is critical. <P>Getting away on a trip for a few days will be a nice start. And it is just that, a start. Your road is long and arduous. You will be tested beyond what you think is possible to get through this. You are doing some very good initial steps but don't expect major breakthroughs and don't be too dispondent over minor setbacks. Withdrawal is HELL. <P>One day at a time. <P>SHA

mj, let me tell you a little bit about withdrawal...<P>Your wife, pure and simple, has an addiction. She is addicted to the OM and how he makes her feel. Her depression is directly related to withdrawal from this addiction. While she is in withdrawal, she will not react to anything you do. She will be at times very distant and not loving at all. I'm sure you see this every day.<P>If you truly love her and want to make this work, your course of action should be to show her love and affection. Plan A big time. No love-busting behaviors like accusations, threats, angry outbursts, being judgemental. What she needs is love and understanding. She won't see it now because of the fog of withdrawal, but she will come to greatly appreciate it later after she has gotten over the OM. This is what you can do.<P>It will seem like a mighty big sacrifice that you do. After all, why are you the only one that must do all the work? That question has been asked on this site so many times. But the answer is -- do you want to stay married? That's why. It will pay off.<P>--andy

Thank you for your responses. Hearing from people with experience in this area is very helpful to me. One thing I would like to know is how do you hold on even when it feels like your guts are being ripped out? I'd like to hear where other people in this situation get their strength from?

MJ, the way to survive is to want to survive. We have to make sure we know what we really want. If we want to rebuild we should ask ourselves why, and listen to our answer. If we decide rebuilding is our goal, than we should know we're in for a though ride. One that is discouraging sometimes, and where progress comes in "baby steps" and sometimes one forward two backwards. We need to focus on our goal and pay attention to small clues and positive things we see in our spouses behaviour. We need to believe it can be done - and balance it with a dose of reality that tells us it might not. Be prepared. Hope and work for the best, be prepared for the worst.<BR>SOme people set a time when they would like to see this or that happening, some people don't. Plan A should be followed - if that was our choice - until we feel that we're completely overwhelmed, and can't continue without losing love for our spouse.<BR>We should keep in mind that things took time to get to this point and they will take time to get back again. Impatience is normal, but won't help much <BR>When we start seing some positive results ( which might take a while ) it becames easier although it's still not even halfway there.<BR>It is very important to really know what we want and why, because that helps us to focus on our goal instead on the other things happening at the same time that might look discouraging. We should keep in mind that our spouses loved us, or we wouldn't be married, and that love can't just disapear just like that, and can be restored. We can help restore those feelings and should look back and see what is ( or was before the affair ) not working at its best. And correct it if possible. That helps too <P>keep posting. we're all here, and we'll try to help as much as we can.<P>Cracker, in my opinion it is still possible.<BR>It was not possible for my H to quit his job, so he continued to see her everyday for most part of the rebuilding stage. Still it worked and our marriage is great today almost 2 years after the affair.<BR>The affair was discovered as it started, and H was not willing to rebuild or even try. <BR>After error and trial experiences, some negative, some positive ( I didn't know about this forum then ) I noticed that if I made things non threatning at home, keep arguments to a minimum ( Hey I'm human and lovebusted as the best!), make as many love deposits as he let me ( begining stage he wasn't really accepting much ) worked on what I could see where the weak links in our marriage, I was usually able to get him to at least start thinking and wondering if he was making the right choice. We talked a lot during those first months - but not much about the affair - reconected in many ways, started doing things together, and with each day he was staying more at home and less with her. After a while he wasn't going to work earlier or coming back later anymore. They still saw each other at work, but he started to avoid it ( as she complained to a friend there )as much as he could. Withdrawl came and yes being in the same place she was might have made it more difficult, but not impossible.In total it took about 4 months for the affair to really end, and 3 more where she kept paging or calling him, until he gave me the pager , nothing to be done about the phone, it's from work. After that time no more phone calls. Later he had the chance of changing to a different schedule - different from hers - and he took it. SO presently they are still working in the same company but in different places and with different hours. I have been to work with him several times, we even went some times while she is there. It makes no differewnce now, and it made not much of a difference them as soon as he was able to make up his mind and decide what he wanted. Yes, he confessed that during withdrawl he felt he missed her, but we were doing so many things together and were so busy with new projects together that even that wasn't as bad as could be.Today not only he doesn't miss her, but he has trouble undersanding how it started in the first place - but that seems to happen with quite a few of betrayers -. I don't feel threatned by them working for the same company ( although I have to be honest and say that I wouldn't be upset at all if he found another job, not because of her, but because of some memories that come when I think about their comapany ).<BR>It's not the stop seing the other person that is important. Is deciding without a doubt what they really want to do at that stage after that decison is made, really made not just to make things better, seing the op or not migh not mater much.- Although yes, I know that the seing the op on a regular basis, is difficult sometimes more for the betrayed than the betrayer.<P>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.<p>[This message has been edited by Kat1 (edited November 05, 1999).]

Thank you for the response KAT. Your point is well taken that "we" need to know what we really want. I know I want to save this marriage...there are too many good things between us, especially our 2 beautiful children, to let this die. My wife needs to figure out what she wants to do. She is very confused right now, and I feel I can stick with Plan "A" as long as I can. I will continue to use this forum, and my wife has seen the responses to my posting, and is going to post a message herself. It seems like there are a lot of people who have been betrayed doing the posting, and not too many who have had the affair.

MJINGIT, Actually there are quite a few who have betrayed on the forum. But they are hurting as much as the others. I was always told you can do anything you put your mind to. And I have put my mind to holding on till my H comes to his senses. I have semi-timeline, but it changes ever so often. BUt you do get strongeer everyday. Even if you are doing nothing more then keeping afloat like me. I make no steps forward or backward with my H. I am just floating but no matter what if you want to youcan and each day becomes a little more bearable. Good luck. How is the trip to Paris going? Are you still going? <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

You are right SDS, it feels like "staying afloat". The last few days have been bearable, but I'm cautious because a bad day can be triggered by just about anything. The other day we were driving, and saw a vehicle that looked like his. I saw my wife look extra hard to see if it was him, and it ruined the rest of my day. I didn't say anything to her about it, but it hurts knowing he is taking up so much of her thoughts. I want that person she is looking for to be me...just have to hang in there. We actually bought the Paris tickets AFTER I found out about the affair. I was at a point where I just wanted to have her all to myself, so it seemed like a good idea. It still does, because deep down we are good friends, and I know we will have a great time regardless of where our relationship is at that time. We have agreed to "check our baggage"...both physical and mental (as best we can) upon leaving for Paris. I know this will take a long time, more than a trip to Paris, and this board has helped to keep my hopes high that in time things just might work out...Plan "A" all the way...