Hi all, sorry for turning to you and being so personal in an online forum, but I have nowhere else to turn.
I have read and looked all over the internet, and seen a lot of advice, and a lot of inactive forums.

O found dr hartley's marriagebuilder's site, and read. A lot. The basic concepts, the rules, everything. And a lot makes sense. But a lot still does not. And I need help.

Our situation is a rough, complicated one. As i'm sure they all are.

Let me tell you guys what happened. Sorry if it's long, but I feel it's necessary in order for you guys to understand.

My wife and I have been together 10 and a half years.

All has not been happy. We had many problems, I did not think infidelity was one of them.

We have 2 kids, my youngest born in 06. My wife suffered from serious past-partum depression. She has always been very curt, strong with her words, critical, and harsh. At this time, it was to the point of ridiculousness.

We had emotionally broken away from one another, at one point even moving into separate bedrooms for 2 years.

We had many arguments over sex, her point being that we don' do it, and it makes her feel ugly, unwanted, disgusting, unloved, and the like.
She felt that without the sexual connection with me, our emotional connection would not build, and we would not succeed.

My point being that with the hurtful words, and criticisms, and hurt feelings I had, we needed to build an emotional connection, and without that, intimacy, and sex, would nto be able to occur.

As you can see, we were at opposite sides here. Her wanting one thing to get the other, and me wanting the exact opposite.

It was at the point where neither one of us was sure the relationship would last another day.

However, I felt I WAS trying to do what I knew how to show her I loved her, and begging for her to meet my my outstretched hand in response.
I would work every day to provide for us, hard, so she was able to stay home with the children. I worked hard enough and made enough that she would not have to find a job herself. Which is what she wanted, to be home with them.

I would let her sleep in every other day, holidays, and most weekends, to get the rest and breaks she needed.
When she wanted to go out with friends, no problem. Anything she eneded.
I would have a fresh coffee for her when she got up, gas in her car, fresh pack of smokes, groceries, whatever it was she needed to make her day as easy as possible while I was gone.

She says while she knew I was doing those things, they weren't what she needed, and did not recognize it as an "outstretched hand" at the time. To me, it was like a cat dropping a mouse at your feet. It was "I will do for you what you need, love me".

What I did NOT do, or was unable to do, was give her affection, sexual intimacy, or the like. I was hurt, and the constant fighting, anger, and hurt rendered me unable to provide that. At least that were my feelings, anyway. Feeling that if wee could remove,or at the least reduce, that, then I can feel safe to move forward a bit on the long, hard road to safe and mutual intimacy and sexual relations again.

We are a "wired" couple, the internet plays a huge part in our daily lives.
We had met a number of local peoples online for fun things like shows, movies, dinners, and whatnot. She LOVES meeting new people. I enjoy it as well, but it does not define my life. I could do without.

Somehow, we stayed together, and the past couple of years have been great. In the past year alone, we finally were able to buy our first house, no longer renting a small apartment.
In fact, we were so successful and close, we even started our own rental property company, and have both a 3-unit rental and a couple of land lots under our new LLC. It has been very successful.
Our emotional bridge has been building, and we have felt great with each other. We had even been having intimate sex, not often, but it was there again, finally. At times we felt like we did 10 years ago in the beginning. But of course, some of the bad remains.

Unfortunately, I just found out the other night she had an affair on me back in 2007, during the bad times.
She didn't just tell me, I asked her, and she came clean. I asked, because a couple of weeks ago we had a major fight, and were both still recovering from it. Them she got invited to a party by a co-worker, and said I couldn't go.

I had always had a feeling, since our darkest times, that she had cheated. And, still hurt from our fight, her refusing me going with her brought back the feelings of doubt, and I coudn't hold it in anymore. So Th next day, I asked her. And she said yes, she did.

As I said, it was in 2007, in our darkest of times.

She had met a gentleman online (and I use the term loosely as he full well knew we were married, with kids).
She says he showed an interest in her, and flirtations started. The flirtations got more serious, and they started talking about having sex. Online crap.

Apparently, he asked her out for drinks one night, and she went. She told me she was going out with friends. I was home, taking care of the children while she was out.

The met, and talked, and had a couple of drinks. Then, he asked her back to his place for a drink. She said yes.

She says at that point, they had a couple more, and started kissing. One thing led to another, and they had sex. She swears it was protected sex, thank god.

She tells me that she was feeling very neglected by me, and in fact wasn't even sure our relationship was going to continue. He showed interest, made her feel beautiful, and wanted, and she fell into it. She couldn't help herself, it felt too good, and she lost control. That she made a mistake.

She says that immediately after it happened, she left. She realized what she had done, and felt disgusting and dirty. She said she realized that the sex wasn't at all what she was missing, and that it wasn't even good. She says that what she was missing was the chase, the feeling of being desired, and he gave that to her. That she didn't realize until it was too late and she had already crossed the line.

Now, in spite of how bad things got, I have always had trust. Truthfully, if she had told me she was going out for a drink with a cool guy she met, I would've said have fun! I HONESTLY never thought in a million years she would cheat. I trusted her.

Yes, she finally told me, but I had to ask. And she kept it secret for five years!
She says she told me because she resolved to herself that if I ever came out and asked, she would not lie.

But I feel that how could she come home from that, look at me the next day, and not tell me. That in itself is a lie!

Yes, we did what both of us thought was impossible, and started to find each other again. To the point we could work together and achieve great things, and come together emotionally and physically again.

But to me, I feel as though this achievement was all buol ton a lie, a lie from 5 years ago, and is meaningless. That all that we have done has been under false pretenses.

I don't understand how she could look at me or the kids, or even start to repair our sexual relationship, knowing she touched him.

I can't get the image of them together out of my mind.

For the record, I have NEVER cheated, even in the worst of times. Never. And never would have.

She says it was a one time only thing, and she is not proud of it. That it's her darkest moment, and is ashamed.

I feel that whether it was one time or hundred, does it matter? You betrayed me, and I don't know if I can trust again.

I will say, my very first instinct is to forgive her. I love her, and always will. But I don't know if the capacity is within me.

Please, help me to understand, and help me to move forward.

Thankfully, USS Enterprise

Welcome to MB and sorry for what has brought you here.

Who is the OM? Is he married?

Do you and your wife still go out without each other?

Yes, we do. At least did, until the other day when I found out.

Going forward, I don't know if I can feel safe her going out without me. I don't want to sound overbearing, but emotions are not always rational, and that's how I feel.

I do not know the guy, I never met or spoke to him.

She says that after the act, she came home, deleted her online profile, and never spoke to him again. Ever.

I want to believe that it was only one time, one man. I want to believe that now, I have the truth. But after being lied to, and having it kept from me for so long, it's hard. Really hard.

I will say, oddly enough, that the next 2 nights after I found out and we had a VERY long discussion about the infidelity, we had the 2 most passionate night of lovemaking in a very long time.

I don't know why, but we both felt the need to be intimately close to one another.

I'm afraid it's rebound thing, and won't last. I'm afraid int he long run it may die, or otherwise harm our relationship.

Regardless, the thoughts of what happened I can't get rid of. And it's killing me.

She should not be going out alone.
That's why she had an affair: poor boundaries.
Please order the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Bill Harley tonight on amazon.
You need to follow the plan in there to get your marriage on track or it's going to get a lot worse

deleted her online profile

What kind of online profile are we talking about??

Sound�s to me a whole lot more went on during these bad time�s you had..

Some exampels

However, I felt I WAS trying to do what I knew how to show her I loved her, and begging for her to meet my my outstretched hand in response.
I would work every day to provide for us, hard, so she was able to stay home with the children. I worked hard enough and made enough that she would not have to find a job herself. Which is what she wanted, to be home with them.


I would let her sleep in every other day, holidays, and most weekends, to get the rest and breaks she needed.
When she wanted to go out with friends, no problem. Anything she eneded.
I would have a fresh coffee for her when she got up, gas in her car, fresh pack of smokes, groceries, whatever it was she needed to make her day as easy as possible while I was gone. Treating her as a queen,that nice.


She says while she knew I was doing those things, they weren't what she needed,Really?? I bet she never complained did she? and did not recognize it as an "outstretched hand" at the time.
Oh please...She DIVA or what?? of course she recognized it..
To me, it was like a cat dropping a mouse at your feet. It was "I will do for you what you need, love me".



What I did NOT do, or was unable to do, was give her affection, sexual intimacy, or the like.So? You did all the things mentioned above..She did what?

I was hurt, and the constant fighting, anger, and hurt rendered me unable to provide that. Completely understandable..But yet you did something.See above..She did what?

At least that were my feelings, anyway. Feeling that if wee could remove,or at the least reduce, that, then I can feel safe to move forward a bit on the long, hard road to safe and mutual intimacy and sexual relations again.

Again she did what?? Nothing

Dont blame your self.. I think there is more to this then you realize..

Sorry to say it...But brace your self this I'm sure it was not ,just one off thing..

USS,
There will be many Vets that will come and offer advice, be open and honest. BrainHurts has asked a question.

What boundaries have you put in place to protect the marriage?

Sorry for the delay in responding, guys. I had a child in the hospital for almost a week, happened right after I posted this.
Very stressful.

Anyway, I have talked to her more in depth. An hours long conversation, where a lot of answers were given. She still swears it was a one time thing. And says it never happened again. She inists she has never even come close to an affair since it happened. That she is disgusted with herself. She cried.

She admitted how hard it was to look at me, knowing what she had done. And swears that since she got up and left his home, she has never spoken to him again. Ever.

I believe her. I told her that the damage is already done, and whether it was 100 times or 1, one man or 100, it didn't matter, the situation was already as bad as it was going to get.
In my mind, 1 = a million. If it was done once, the hurt is as bad as if it was done one million times.

Yes, the past couple of years have been fantastic. And that's not something I want to throw away. We worked hard to get here.
But my feelings, they are something different....which I will get to after I answer a couple of questions.

First, by online profile I mean our profile on a website we used to meet people. New to the area, no friends close by, we used it to meet other local couples. We met a few people, hung out, had dinner, introduced our children to theirs so they could possibly make friends, etc...
A regular social networking.
She had met this guy through that, and in truth we were supposed to meet him together, but my work schedule didn't allow it.

She apparently met him on her own, and what happened happened.

Second, boundaries? I'm not sure I know how to answer that question about what boundaries we had. As far as I knew, marriage was basically an acknowledgement of how two people felt for one another, and a commitment to each other to spend their lives together.
That going forward to and past that step of a relationship, there would be trust and commitment. I thought the "boundaries" in place were the relationship itself, that if one was out without the other, for whatever reason, the establishment of the marriage pact itself would inherently preclude any physical or romantic involvement with anyone else. Hence, if the situation ever arose, the spouse who it was presented to would, out of love and commitment, bow themselves out of the situation. Before it ever even evolved beyond a simple proposition.
With this in mind, the 2 spouses in a marriage would have trust for one another to keep their marriage commitment.

Am I wrong? Or just naive?

Setting up actual boundaries, like approved places, friends, curfews, etc.....just seems to me like parenting a child, and in that type of relationship, there is no trust, just following the rules. And without trust, there is no marriage.

Unless I misunderstand the concept of boundaries completely.

Everyone I know has said I'm very old fashioned, that I was born in the wrong decade. Perhaps that is why I have the views I do.

Either way, while we have been getting along fantastically, and she has not in any way been hesitant to discuss the situation, I find myself losing my mind. I just can't get the image of them together out of my mind.

And I'm supposed t go through this holiday season happy, and merry, as if nothing happened. As if I don't feel the way I do. And I can't. My thoughts are spinning so fast literally feel as if i'm losing my [censored].

I just don't know. I guess i'm humg up on why. The act itself, hell, neither of us were virgins when we met. We had both had multiple partners in the years before we met. The act of sex itself isn't what bothers me. It's the breaking of trust, the ignoring of the commitment, the betrayal.

I don't even know if i'm making any sense. I probably seem crazy. But I don't know what to do.

USS,

You're not crazy or losing your mind.... You've been hit by a load of bricks and the realization is just becoming clear. You seem like the two of you want to repair and recover your marriage. As a BH myself, let me say listen to the vets and follow dr Harley's plan.

Step 1: get the book Surviving an Affair, you read it, then she reads it.

Check back in with progress or not.

Boundaries are conditions set in place to prevent Affairs from happening.

Like ... No friends of the opposite sex...ever, no matter how nice and friendly they are.

Like... No going out to bars and such without each other, huge pond to fish in.

Like... Sharing all passwords and no secrete accounts, major pitfall

SAA will cover these. You can also look into articles on this site.

If you have questions, please ask.

Does anyone else know about the OM?

Have you exposed?
Exposure 101