Kaybee,

First you need to establish who the father is, and please do the OWHs a favor and inform him of this uncertainty.

If OW is pregnant by your WH then the OWH has a right to know, you don't need to go through life with this horrible crime hidden to come out at a later date.

God Bless
Gamma

Hi kaybee,

Please be the person that tells your children the truth.

My wife exposed to our five children that I was having an affair. (at that time ages 6 - 16) Today I am so glad it came from her. She was able to answer questions honestly and was able to share how hurt she was with them. They were able to lean on each other instead of wondering what was wrong. Kids sense when something is wrong and often think it's them causing the problems.... Help clarify it's not them.

They will find out from someone, someday..... it's inevitable. It's better that it be from you.

I'm so sorry you have to do this, it's crushing to the spirit.

writer1:

I am revising SAA and it should be in print sometime in 2011, and the problem you raise will be included in it. But it's particularly difficult to address because of our no-contact-with-the-ex-lover rule on the one hand, and the need of a child to have contact with their natural parents on the other. Our radio archives have more on this subject than anything I've written so far, because we've had several listeners call in with this problem, and I describe the approach I take.

As you probably already know by now, I tilt toward keeping the marriage healthy at the possible expense of the child not having adequate contact with the OM. I recommend that at the time of birth, the other man not be mentioned on the birth certificate unless he demands it. That makes your husband the legal parent of the child. If he does demand being on the birth certificate, I recommend that he pay child support until the child is 19. If the OM wants visitation, I recommend that it be done with transparency, so his own family knows what's going on. A mediator, paid by him, is to pick up and deliver the child so that you and your husband never have to have any contact with him.

In almost all cases that I've witnessed, the OM isn't willing to be named on the birth certificate, pay the child support, or make the situation known to his family. Under those conditions, I highly suggest that he not be able to visit his child until he or she is an adult. If an attempt is made, I suggest getting a restraining order. While that policy seems very rigid and uncaring toward the child, the alternatives are usually disastrous. Having an old lover around, the cause of your husband's greatest sadness, has such an devastating effect on the marriage that few survive.

Having heard from some of the couples who have followed this way of thinking, and others who have done the opposite, I am confident that it is the best approach to your situation.

Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Hey folks - Kaybee hasn't retuned to this thread in two months.
(hate to see you wasting time and energy on this). Jedi bumped an old thread - not sure why....