I'm new here, and I know there are probably already threads by people with my exact situation, but man there are a lot of them. I will read them all, but I'm hoping for some personal advice from all of you. (Oh - we've been married 14 years, with two kids, 15 & 10.)

My story is that the beginning of October, my husband started a fight with me over something incredibly simple, and it turned into one of the worst fights we've ever had. The next day, over several emails and texts (I was at work and could not have a private phone conversation), he mentioned that he wasn't sure whether we were working and that he sometimes wished I was someone else. He said he was frustrated that I never help with anything around the house anymore (I'm working on my masters while working fulltime, and I honestly believed he was just doing all the housework to be supportive - never mentioned me not helping enough until this). After a lot of back and forth, he showed up at work and said he was sorry, and I didn't deserve the way he was treating me. I agreed to help more. About a week later, it started all over again, and on a "date day" that I insisted we needed, he told me he wanted out, that he just wasn't happy with me. I told him I wasn't able to just give up, and we needed to try harder. On Oct. 17, he called me at work and told me to come home right away, that he needed to talk to me. I was devasted, knowing that he was going to tell me he was leaving me. When I walked in the door, crying the entire 10 minutes on the drive home, I told him he just couldn't leave. He instead told me he wasn't leaving, and confessed to cheating on me. I fell onto the couch - I couldn't believe what I had heard. He was the last person that I would have ever expected this from - he is the most upstanding, moral man I know. I felt like I'd been stabbed in the heart. When I asked who she was, he said it was a woman that works in an agency that he works with occassionally, and they had known each other for years. One day, they started complaining about their spouses, somehow it turned to flirting, and somehow that turned into him going to her house after I left for work on five separate occassions over a 3-week period. Of course, I was upset and angry, but within an hour, I was back and work and agreed to work on us. He swears he was sorry, and that he couldn't stand the thought of losing me. Within minutes, OW's husband tried to friend me on facebook, and when I told my husband, he confessed to this, and said that he had already broken it off, but wanted to tell me before I could hear it from someone else. When I asked him if this was the only reason he told me, he said that he had already broken it off with her, but he hadn't yet decided if he was going to tell me or just move on without telling me when he found out the OW's husband was going to.

Those next few days, I asked probably more questions than I probably should - and he hated me asking the questions. He doesn't think I should know details and doesn't want to talk about it, saying that we just need to move past it. I agree, but unfortunatetly I have a mind that doesn't quit analyzing things - like dates (were we fighting then, did he have sex with me the night after he'd been with her), or how they ended up together, or what they did together, etc. Things that I know others in my situation think and feel, too. I made a list of questions those few days, and told him I needed to have answers so my mind would stop thinking about it. He answered, but many things he just said he didn't know. I don't believe that he didn't know, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

We have received the audio by Mort Fertel. I think the ideas are great, and that it could really help, and I'm hoping he will listen to it as well. In the meantime, I'm still trying to figure out what I was doing wrong in the first place - what was he looking for elsewhere. When I ask him, he says nothing (other than the housework thing), and that it was just that he was looking for something different, some excitement, and the whole grass is always greener thing, and that it wasn't. So, I'm still left confused. In the bedroom, we have always kept things "spicy" (sorry if TMI). He did one time mention that it felt good to know that someone else found him attractive. I do compliment him quite often, and always have, so I don't feel that I didn't give him enough attention, but maybe it wasn't enough - and maybe it's just not as exciting to hear your wife say it. I have always tried to show interest in his life, activities, hobbies, etc. but he doesn't really talk to me much, like I'm just bugging him when I try to get involved. He doesn't seem interested in work, activities, school, or anything I have to say. For a while, I wondered if he was resentful of my new job at the university and my pursuit of a masters - like maybe he felt like I thought I was better than him because of all this. He says that not true. So again, I'm still left wondering.

In the way of questions, this might all be TMI, so I apologize. By the next night, I already "missed him" so much that I needed him, and we made love. I know that was really soon, and I can't help but wonder if I did the right thing - was it too soon? Did I "let him off the hook" too quickly? I just love him and wanted to move on.

So, anyway, it's been a little over a month since I found out, and I still occassionally have questions or thoughts about whether he's thinking about her when he's with me, if he's comparing me to her, whether the sex was better with her (although it's happening less and less often).

One question I have - and this might be TMI, but I'm hoping someone might have some thoughts on it. Since I found out, I have noticed that when we make love, which is fairly often, it takes him longer to climax, and he's changed his "favorite" position. He says that the first is because he's getting older (35), and second thing is because he just wants to do something different (we always have...so I don't know why this all of the sudden). So, my question is - am I being paranoid in thinking that the "original" position might be what he and the OW did, and now he can't perform that way with me? Or, is he telling the truth, and his age is really all of the sudden catching up with him and he needs the change?

Anyway...for the most part, we're doing ok, but I kind of feel like we're just back to where we were before the affair and fights. Considering he had an affair, I don't think being back there is where we need to be. I'm hoping the Mort Fertel course will work (really hoping he listens and tries it too), and that we'll be stronger and happier than ever.

Ok - I know that was all a lot so I apologize. Honestly, it's the first time I've told anyone any of this at all, so it was a little therapeutic. Again, I'm sorry for the length. I am looking forward to the support and any advice any of you might have for me, whether on the questions I posed, how I've handled things so far, or just advice in general.

Welcome to MB and sorry for the pain that has brought you here.

First of all you wanting to have all your questions answered is totally normal and he should answer them all.

Did you finally talk to OWH and exchange stories? Does he still work with the OW?

Hi Roysc. As you can see, sweeping it under the rug does not work and it will not work even with the passage of time. I too found Mort and although he gave me many inspirational things to think about...he lacked a PLAN to rebuild the trust and the romantic love. I became even more resentful over time with the lack of a PLAN to recover.

It was not until I found MB over a year after DDay that I learned how to heal. So I can personally tell you that you are in the right place. Get the book Surviving An Affair. Things will start to make sense to you.


Friend the OW BH and ask him to call you. He is most likely your greatest ally here and he is also an extra set of eyes on the two of them.


Your WH needs to answer all your questions and take a poly if that is what you need. Your WH needs to EARN your trust.


Has WH committed to no contact for LIFE with the OW? It sounds like he will need to find new employment.


I am sorry you are going through this.

Hi roysc..

My story is more or less the same as yours except that I cheated on my wife of 21 years over an incredibly stupid communication and recreational need.

Got involved with a rich woman, 3 bottles of wine and here I am in this state.. - withdrawal while trying to recover..

Please read the sections on surviving an affair on this website, if you have not done so yet.

The reason he is not performing like he used to is probably that
he is under stress like you are and may have performance anxiety, because something that always came so natural, is now a bit awkward because he and you both know, that this affair is still popping up in your heads.

I do not think he is constantly comparing you to the other woman, but that is only my opinion.

If he has changed positions, it could as well be, that he is avoiding the position he used with this OW as, like you seem to be thinking, that he is trying to recreate something.

You should not have too high expectations of sex at this point. You should do it to feel good and to fill eachother's emotional needs and to feel closer.

Although he sounds honest, you should snoop and make sure that they have not resumed contact. He may not aim to do that, but she could contact him to ask how things went at home or the other way around. Snoop to build your trust and to prevent a false recovery that will bring you heartbreak.

Is she still working at a company that is in contact with his?