I wanted to take a moment and introduce myself. I am a 31 yr old man, who is experiencing marital problems. They have been present since 2009. I have been considering divorce and was actually searching for options online, when I discovered Marriage Builders today. There are so many issues that we have. Hopefully we can save what we have with the help of Marriage Builders.

Thanks in advance.

Hi cope, welcome to Marriage Builders! To get a good understanding of how Marriage Builders works, I would start here:

How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

And from there, go here: site tour

I guess I should have introduced [u]us[/u.My wife is 36, 4 years older than me. We were married in Dec of 2006. Our daughter was born in Feb 2007....yes, premarital was involved.

I was previously married, but it ended in divorce due to her excessive drug addiction. I actually met my wife during the very legnthy 1 1/2 yr divorce. (My ex refused to sign the papers).

When we met in Dec '05, it was wonderful between us. Both were working full time and money was not a problem. We went out, had friends over and such. I moved in with her after a few months of dating.

It wasnt very long before her mother also moved in. Her mother lived with us for several months, then moved out. A few weeks goes by and her father moved in. He stayed several months, then moved out. Then comes her sister and her infant son, moved in with us. Also around the time of her sister moving in, we found out we were pregnant. I was extremely excited. I was looking forward to a son!!! When my wife told her boss that she would need maternity leave in May 07, she was terminated for "inconsistant work".

My divorce was finally over in Oct 2006, and we immediately started planning the wedding. We were married in Dec and things were ok. Sister and her son were still living with us.

In Feb '07, we went to a routine Dr's appt and were floored. Something was wrong with the baby's umbilical cord and we were getting a baby........NOW! at 28 weeks. Our daughter was born 3 months early and weighed 1.75 lbs. She stayed in the hospital for 7 weeks. During this time, we had to ask her sister to move out so we could get the baby's room ready.

Daughter came home with NO HEALTH PROBLEMS, thank GOD. And things were great between the wife and I.

We went thru several more rounds of her different family members moving in with us for periods of time. And she still wasnt employed, due to a very tiny baby at home. I was making money, but it was barely enough. I put my foot down and said I couldnt support her family and ours too. So everyone moved out.

Finally, she got a job and was making some money and we were getting ahead. We bought a new (to us) car and now had a car payment.....and then she lost her job. She got another job and lost it and another job and another loss and so on.

I guess that is how our problems started. She would spend money like we had 2 incomes. I wasnt happy with it, but at the sametime, I wanted to give her everting she needed/wanted. I felt it was my duty as husband and father.

And I was ok with it till we started having sex problems. She would "not feel like it" or "have a headache" or "too tired". It was always some kind of excuse. Sure, once every 4-6 weeks, she would come to me for sex, but only on her terms.

That is when our fights started. We fight about money, we fight about sex. We go for days without speaking. We go to bed at different times and get up at different times. I absorb into the tv and she absorbs into her phone (texting) and into facebook and pintrest. I have tried to talk to her about how I feel, and we just end up fighting. So, I quit trying.

I have told her that I am unhappy, and that I know that she is too. I have told her that I am bored with our sex "routine".
But she says our routine is fine. She never wants to try anything new, and does not want to reciprocate in the action. I just dont know anymore.

Then, a few weeks ago, I did something really stupid, that put an even bigger wedge between us.......I texted my wife's friend and asked for a naked picture of her. She did not send me one, and told my wife (which I also told her). I cannot answer why I did it. I dont know if I was trying to get a response out of my wife, or if I was trying to sabatage our relationship.

Sorry for the long post, I condensed it as much as possible.

cope, tell your wife that you were texting other women asking for naked pictures.

What other things like this have you done that you did not include?

I did tell my wife about the text. We talked about it for several hours, and have talked about it since then.

I havent done anything like this before.

Have you seen these?

Financial conflicts #1
Financial Conflicts #2

Thanks for the links. I hadn't seen them yet. I have been reading so much info in the past few hours.

Yes, money is definitely a big part of our trouble. And it's not really the lack of it, its the lack of control. We, her more than me, but we, spend way more than we should. Part of our problem is her lack of cooperation. She refuses any ideas I come up with to help us. I have had budget ideas, relationship ideas, and I have suggested that we go to counseling. To no avail.

I can't get her to understand that minimum payments don't work. I have explained it to her many different ways. And at one time, she was taking out check loans to pay bills......without me even knowing.

Something else that just bothers me....once a year, we plan an away trip. Supposed to just be time for us. It has yet to happen that way. 1st year, she invited one of her friends and her friends daughter to go with us. Then informed me that they were going. I couldn't say no, without being put in a situation of looking like I was a jack@$$. The next year, we started arguing on the way there, and ended up not speaking the whole trip. Then this year, everything was looking ok, but then we got into a big fight....over sex. I wanted it, she didn't.

Just tonight, she walked in from work, didn't really say anything to me.....went straight to the computer and logged on facebook. It's the same thing every night. Facebook on the computer, facebook on her phone in bed. She would rather facebook than be with me. I have told her how I feel about it, and she will take a break for one night, then the next night, right back to it.

I have no concerns of her cheating. But I have to TEXT her if I want to tell her something when we are in the same freaking room!

I hate facebook and all the new technology. I swear that electronics are going to be the end of the human race.

Do you read her activity/messages?

How do you know she isn't talking to someone?

She's probably talking to someone on Facebook.
Read her messages without letting her know and her text messages too.check her phone records.
Don't say anything to her about it yet

I have read some of her texts and they were just to her friends or family. I check the phone bill online almost daily. No text or calls that I don't recognize. And we don't have a home phone, only cell phones. I can't check her facebook or email because I don't have the passwords.

Put a keylogger on her computer.She's always on facebook.

I guess I don't know how to install one. I read about it in the forum last night and I tried to put one on the computer and the virus software started popping up all kinds of warnings about potential threats. Don't know if it was a bad program or if I didn't do it right.

I really don't think she would cheat, but a lot of red flags are showing. She almost never leaves her phone available to me. She takes it to the bathroom. It's almost never out of her hands. And she does stay up very late on the computer.

I did catch her in a very small lie about her sexual history. A long time ago, I had asked her some things about her past. I asked again a few days ago, and two details were different. I didn't mention it, but it raised more red flags.

Hi Cope ... welcome to MB! What keylogger dod you use? I would try www.desktopshark.com as its pretty cheap and you can exclude it from your antimalware list. Infact if you use comodo internet security for your antimalware and antivirus it wont even ask about desktopshark.

I would quietly get some snooping tools in place. Do not confront. WHen and if you find something (i got a feeling shes is at least having an emotional affair, its pretty easy to have someone on the internet meeting her needs for conversation and then not needing you for that need. (check out my story .. my wife fell into that same trap with some guys in online games).

There IS something going on. But do this .. if you start fighting over sex ... STOP .. stop acting needy. Meet her needs (while your snooping) .. be the best man you can be. But you MUST kill your desperation about the sex. Sure you want it ... what man doesnt? But by being needy it will put pressure on her. By stop acting needy she will wonder whats wrong with you. Its a power trip.

Has your wife ever said " I love you but I am NOT in love with you?" if so .. you got an affair in the wood works, so dont dismiss the fact that an emotional affair is any less than a physical one . for the ladies (having a high need for conversation) its really easy for the contrast effect to take over in their minds...

1. Stop being needy ... let it roll off your back if she rejects you physicaly (for now). WOrk out ... get some juices flowing. Start acting like your the good catch. If she asks how your day went ALWAYS tell her "fantastic!" (she will wonder why and leave her wonder for a bit haha) Act a bit cocky and funny (in a playful way). When you go to do the dishes or help with domestic chores take your shirt off.. My wife teases me about this all the time especaily after i flex like I am the best in a cocky way.. and she gives me that tilted head look when i rip my shirt off and start loading the dishwasher. She will usually say something like " your so Hot when you do chores with your shirt off" and she then usually wants to put her hand on me or something. Do this all with confidence and a fun attitude.

2. Get snooping! Something IS going on

3. Begin plan A (while not acting needy AT ALL) It has to be no big deal... this will get her thinking something is different.

I made a few threads in the operation investigate forum for deleting passwords and work arounds to gain computer access .. check those out they may help you in the process. If you cant get a keylogger ON the PC ... buy the hard wire keylogger and tap the keyboard line.

for NOW ... dont tell your wife about this site until you confirm nothing funny is going on. If you find something agasint your wife .. bring it here and we can guide you with your next steps.

MNG

Edit: Also .. if your viewing porn .. STOP! It amplifies your neediness and will make you feel worse. It will generate a contrast effect in your wife and give you false expectations. Not only that but your wife will sense it.

Thanks! I will try it tonight. As far as the need sex thing, I am already doing that. I have not asked for or really wanted any since Oct 5. She has came to me twice since Oct 5 and wanted some.

As far as me being sexy, I don't see that I am. I am a bigger guy, but I have been working on it for the last two years. I deeply know that is some of it. She has never mentioned it, but I see how she reacts during certain movies.

She has also started reading "mommy porn" lately. 50 shades of gray and something called Naughty Nooners. She never had that kind of stuff around before, that I knew of. She doesn't have the actual books, they are on her
e-reader.

Oh .. if you want to lose weight fast and healthy ... I would cut carbs down and go for a walk daily. Get rid of white rice ... white pasta .. replace them with flaxseed pasta and brown rice or imperial rice (still carbs but has more fibre in it and 1/2 the carbs) eat more veggies and protein. Carbs are really just sugar... Cut carbs and watch your energy levels go up as you will no longer get a carb crash after dinner. Protines and veggies will not give you carb crash.

Steam your veggies in chicken broth but make sure to eat more of them.

If you start to do daily walks (encourage wife to join you!).. get a heart rate monitor. To properly monitor your heart rate (so as not to exhaust yourself) you want to make sure your heart rate never goes over 70% of your max. To determine your max heart rate its 220 - age = max. THen calculate 70% of that. Try and get your heart rate in that area for about 15mins of a 30min workout .. if it goes over .. your not doing yourself any good, slow down.

My wife read 50 shades .. its a fad. However it is porn for women and does create a contrast effect to some degree. I WAS going to tell my wife to get rid of it (since she is on board with MB now) but decided that i really didnt need to worry. We had some good talks about the books and it spiced things up a bit... i may read it myself actually. Some may not agree.

MNG

Oh .. and about the take your shirt off ... even if your overweight do it anyways..ACT like your the best body builder there is... becasue if your working on getting rid of it then she will notice it each time you take your shirt off. (just a fun idea)



edit: spelling shirt wrong haha

She hasn't told me about the books. I wanted to see what she was reading that was so important. I looked while she was at work. I was pretty upset that she would read this, but not want anything to do with me.

I do remember something she recently told me. She didn't actually tell me, she sent me a text. It may have importance or not. I really don't know what she meant, but she said "that she felt like she had lost herself, and felt like she didn't know who she was anymore".

Any insight on her statement?

See the part I bolded? ... Who cares if your not .. ACT like you are anyways! Your wife married you for a reason. In the meantime .. continue to improve yourself and ACT confident while you do it. You'll be surprised how far this goes with your wife and just acting like your the sexiest guy on the planet will boost your confidence.

Add this line to your vocabulary when your wife asks you do to something. "Its nothing I cant handle" Use it when your self improving aswell. Think your the best .. and your wife will notice, of course along with your self improvements along the way.

This is what I did .. when i cut the carbs down (i was 205 lbs when i started) I lost 20lbs in 3 months just cutting the carbs. Add in some walks and excercise and lots of veggies and protines and BOOM .. youll be sexier in no time.

That part she said is prolly this contrast effect she is feeling .. she is doubting herself and where she is in life and what she wants. Get the keylogger going man ... she needs you to lead her emotionally and be her #1 .. Your enthusiastic energy and attiude will rub off on her when ya get that going. Be playful ... your energy can control the homes general feel. If you dont let her down mood get you down .. it will lift hers and she will follow you emotional train of thought. She wants to FEEL you .. so start FEELING sexy for her.

But again .. you gotta find out whats going on in the background and make yourself the better choice and a better conversationalist.