Thank you for anyone willing to help provide insight or advice.

My DDay was in September, after months of suspicions and feeling my WH growing cold and distant. Looking back, I saw so many red flags, but was in complete denial. I chalked it up to his anxiety and stress dealing with his temporary relocation across the country for new job training. He was away from home for 3 months. He began an EA one month before coming home, and ended it by being physical with the OW just days before he came home.

Upon coming home he continued to be distant and irritable despite my attempts to be supportive and loving. Turns out while I was trying to support him for what I thought was depression was really supporting him while he continued his A under my nose for 3 more months while the OW was still across the country.

Then the OW moved closer to our home (about 7 hours away) and my WH saw her a few times and was physical with her again before ending it. Next followed a pathetic NC attempt of regular texting, which began a month before DDay and continued until 2 months past DDay when he finally came out of the fog just enough to realize NC was no joke in order to truly heal.

So here we are 2 months post DDay and a week into the first true NC. Finally we are starting the real healing after several false starts. He has seemingly done a 180 (in a positive way). He is now seemingly out of that awful fog and acting like the supportive, remorseful, and caring husband I always hoped was still in there.

Its a welcome relief to my incredibly painful 2 months of Plan A. It feels like the demons that possessed my husband for the last 7 months have finally given him back. But I am not naive, I am still in self protection mode and waiting for the other shoe to drop. But I expect this is normal for BS and I'm hoping this slowly goes away as he continues to earn back my trust.

Our goal is to keep fighting and lean on each other to get through to the other side of this nightmare and be a stronger couple for it in the end. We are trying to support each other, heal each other, be strong when the other needs help, be honest with our needs, and above all keep fighting for what neither of us wants to lose.

I'm having a hard time dealing with my many triggers even though he is now being very supportive and loving. I hope that with time and the creation of new memories that these triggers will start to be less painful. I'm also still having trouble with obsessive thoughts, and find myself incredibly hypersensitive. From what I can tell this is normal, but it certainly doesn't feel that way!

SR, a good first step in fighting affairs is exposing the affair to your family and friends. The more people who know, the more people to hold him accountable and give you some much needed support. I would also expose the affair to the OW's family members. If you can find her facebook page, you will likely find several family members there.

The most important first step is, of course, no contact, but that has to be managed by changing the environment that allowed this affair to take place. That means no more overnight travel without you and giving you complete access to his email and cell phone. If the OW contacted him via text, email or phone, I would change those #s and/or block her access.

Additionally, will your husband send her a no contact letter? His willingness to send her this letter will be a good indicator of his sincerity. I will post the no contact letter in my next post.

I would pick up the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program in there. Most marriages do not recover from affairs. They might stay together but they limp along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage and often have more affairs. You don't have to be like that if you follow this program.

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

FB exposure letters to OP's contacts

Should be done to the OP�s facebook friends via private message. This is a very, very effective exposure because it is a collection of the OP�s closest friends and family. SPACE THE PM�S OUT 60 SECONDS APART SO FB DOES NOT SHUT YOU DOWN FOR FLOODING. Before you begin, copy and paste all the contacts into a WORD doc. Change your fb picture to a picture of you and your spouse and children.

Dear friend of JoeScumbag:

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BH

***********************


Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that OW is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with OW to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW

Thanks Melody. Yes he has already sent the NC letter, we used a similar template found on MB. I helped him write it and we both sent it together. He also changed his cell number and blocked the OW on Facebook and his email.

We have not exposed the OW.

We have told a few of our friends but none of our family members. At this point, I don't know that adding to my WH humiliation will help as he has been feeling very humiliated since DDay and he finds the more people we tell the more awkward and isolated he feels.

Is the purpose of exposure to help get the WS get out of the fog and get motivation to go NC? If so, we are already there.

What is the value of exposing the OW? Is it to ensure that people around her know and can encourage her to leave him alone? I worry that this would stir the pot. The OW is quite a bit younger and we have no friends in common. According to the OW she has kept the A a total secret except for telling her two closest friends.

Another thing is that my husband and the OW work for the same company (across the country, not in the same local area). So he is worried if anyone else finds out he will be reprimanded for misconduct or lose out on future opportunities.

Well you not exposing on OW's side has helped cover for her. She doesn't have any responsibility, so she has no reason/motivation to keep NC.

Dr Harley always recommends telling the family members so you can get support from them and so they can help hold him accountable. Your families can be a great support for your marriage. Keeping it secret helps no one. And of course he is humiliated if he has any conscience. That is a good thing, not a bad thing.

Read this:

He is not there at all. He has only ended contact very recently. And keeping his affair a big secret for him keeps him in the fog.


Exactly. Telling others enables them to hold her accountable.. The goal here is prevent another affair, not to keep the peace at all cost.



Yes, that is sometimes a consequence of an affair. I think your goal of protecting him from any and all consequences of his affair is very destructive and only serves to enable him. Do you want to help him or not? What you are doing is not helpful.

How else will your husband learn to not be so unprofessional in the future? Those who have workplace affairs are a special class of stupid. I mean, my GOD, has he never heard the phrase "never get your honey in the same you get your money?" Having others know will help your husband not be so reckless in the future.

Please don't enable your husband to be a bad man by hiding his affair for him. And most certainly don't help that skanky OW hide her affair. Tell her parents and family members.

This is what Dr Harley says about exposure: