Last time we talked i asked cor MIL mailing address so i can send him some clothes and Xmas gift. She stated that i could give it to him. So i guess hes coming back soon. BH any luck on posting my radio call? 14NOV12.

Talked to her again she told me all about her day and her new job etc. was a good conversation. Didn't bring up marriage or anything like that. I have two tickets to a comedy show was going to ask out on a date. Feels weird typing that asking my wife on a date. She made a comment of how DS his not depending on her as much. I wanted to say well this is what your affair cost you but I didn't just listened. She mentioned she wants to come home and work on our marriage but she can't cause she doesn't love me anymore. I said I'm sorry to hear that and you know the terms of rebuilding and left it that. Massaged her feet and then she left in tears. This is tough!

I read this and I felt like crying.
I literally massaged my wife's feet also. During a false recovery.
I think it is an act of humility and service.

I love to watch the Kung Fu show and in one episode young Cain learned humility through serving as well as being served by Master Kan.

You did good by not engaging in relationship talk.
I bumped a plan A thread for you. It has some good tips in it.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this, TD. But it is part of getting your wife back home. You're doing well.

Here is a link to great Plan A info:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...flat&Number=2400725&#Post2400725


The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Good link. Please follow this, TD.

Sent a small bouquet of flowers to her job with a poem asking her out to a comedy show this Saturday. Spoke to her about DS and she didn't mention it. Ill give her time to respond also I will practice my not disappointed face if she says no. Been cooking (I never cook!) brought her leftovers to her job and she liked it! She also liked the foot massage. Hanging in there!

Here's TranquilDark's show.
Radio clip of TranquilDark's Show
Segment #2
Segment #3

Update:
She did not go out with me per se but we spent an couple hours of UA time and I spent it well. Filling her ENs. The next day DS and I we t to church and she joined us. That went well also, we never went to church together and it was one of the things I knew she didn't like about our relationship. She never voiced it but in hindsight I see it. Did not bring up any relationship talk and I k ow she sti talks to POSOM. Shortly after returning to the marital residence,she did not come because she was feeling ill and went to the doctor, I sent her a text saying I hope everything is ok and I am caring for her always. She replied with this

TD please, don't mess it up. I'm not liking all the attention. I appreciate you caring but now is a lil too late. I know I can't stop you but please don't make me uncomfortable. I said I will keep you posted and I will, I'm trying to be civil for the sake of the children but please don't get your hopes up. It will be easier for you if you keep it real.

I replied with this:

All of us do things we regret. When I think of some of my past mistakes, I am extremely grateful for having been forgiven by those I've hurt. I want to be in the position to offer you that same grace. I have been forgiven, so I understand what it feels like to be in a position where you hope forgiveness is possible. It is possible. I am sorry for being the reason you were depressed. I am sorry for not showing you the love and attention I used to. I know my faults, I am not perfect but I am changing. I have hope for a marriage with you were both our needs are met. You still have the email of things I would like us to do to fix our marriage. I am willing and with time I pray and hope you will be too.

I don't know what to make of her message it's rattling around in my brain! The email stated the list earlier in my post. I am at a loss, is this normal WW talk? Can anyone offer any insight on this?

Thanks for posting the radio segments BH, God bless

That sounds normal ww babble to me.

So ignore and continue to meet ENs.

Well today is tough. I stop thinking about WW and what she doing who she is with. Feeling very depressed about this whole situation. I know what to do but at the same time I'm impatient. That grows to frustration then to anger and finally despair! Frustrated because I have to go through this. Anger cause she is doing this to our family based on selfishness. Are there any techniques I can use to stop these thoughts? Sent her a nice text message saying enjoy her day at work and she replied with we could be good friends aka more fog babble. Hanging in there I understand this is a day by day process.

If she happens to bring up talk about "us" should now should I approach it.

No. You can't discuss your marriage while the affair is ongoing.
Did you read the plan A links?
It's basically just all give and no take.

But you can allow it to teach you a lesson in humility as you plan A.

I would reach out to a older man, preferably an elder or pastor in your church, for support during this time. It helped me a lot.

You asked how to respond to these thoughts... What helped me was I just kept telling myself: I can't control the actions of others. I can only control MY actions and how I choose to respond to the actions of others.

I have prayed for your marriage and both you,your wife and your children.

So what should I do if she brings it up?

In my case I was encouraged to not talk about it.repeat one sentence to get through her thick skull: "I am willing to work with you to create a loving healthy marriage where both of our needs are met"

And as soon as she starts,

"I never really loved you" or "you are not what I need" or anything else politely (I learned this during plan a - how to be polite when dealing with someone spewing venom) politely look at her in the eyes, (don't interrupt), and when she is done speaking repeat the same sentence. Or offer her a cup of water.
The posters encouraged me to always offer her a "cookie" which I thought sounded messed up. I offered water, juice or coffee.

And start a new conversation.

WW called yesterday morning she was upset that her court case wasnt resolved. Tried to start an argument I stayed polite and respectful. after that she hung up and called back and apologized. We then talked on the phine abit about her health, day so far, and kids. She stopped by the marital home. We talked for about an hour usual stuff before all this happened. Her job, her day at work, DS and SS. Was a good conversation I'm learning to be a listener. Did an awesome job avoiding LBs I caught my self interrupting her and quick apologized. Other than that not much of an update just trying to keep DS safe. Teaching him his alphabet. Had a hard time sleeping last nite was missing my SS and WW. So this morning I went all out at the gym to keep me sane.

Regarding the gym, some have posted here that Dr Harley warns people on the radio to avoid exercising at gyms because of the women there.

However I did find a Radio Clip where Dr Harley encouraged couples to join a gym.
He said in his experience gyms at home don't work (which everyone knows).
He says people experience a release of endorphins occur when you exercise.
He said a lot of affairs start in gyms.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=03607#