When I was wayward I wonder if I would have responded to an approach from my wife-at-the-time with "neither of us are happy in this relationship right now. Let's refocus on each other for real, with NO distractions, and see if we can build the marriage we both dream of, with each other. Let's do it for US and our kids and family. I have found a plan that has helped other couples in the same situation and I'd like us to try it together, what do you think? If it doesn't work with real effort, then maybe it's time we talked about going our separate ways, but let's work together first."
I have a feeling my now-ex might have responded differently to the above. But I didn't have the wherewithal at the time to give that a go.
Very good point Opt.
Cope, first and foremost eliminate the question regarding an affair. Snoop hard.
As far as these other ideas � save your money. The flower idea only runs the risk of confusing yourself more. If you want to know what she�s doing then be 007 and snoop like crazy. Follow the advice given by the veterans here and quit listening to buddies who have no concept of how to handle affair snooping.
You�re driving yourself crazy with your speculating. Get busy. Find the truth. Do it today. Until you know the truth we won�t know how to guide you through your struggles.
While you are doing that stop with the demands.
If she�s not in an affair then you making a demand �me or the phone� is only going to create more distance between you. There is a kinder, gentler, more respectful way to go about this. Opt gave some great examples. The intent is to get agreement from her that things could be better. Agreement that the M is the most important thing and that, right now, it isn�t being handled as such.
There is a list of questions you could probably ask her (survey type questions) that would give you an understanding of where she places the M in relation to everything else in your life. If she has friends and visits often it isn�t the end of the world or all that bad AS LONG AS you two are getting in enough of your own UA time. And that the M is the priority over all else.
Dr Harley preaches where the M should be placed in life�s priorities. Do you believe them to be true? Do you state your beliefs to your W? Would she agree with them?
�Honey, you are the most important person in my life. I value our M more than anything else. It is my belief that I dedicate my life to being with you and having our time be the most enjoyable thing in my life. Having friends is great and are important but they come second to you. Do you see things differently than that?�.
The conversation can take off from there. Seek to gain her perspective of where you fit in her life. If she doesn�t believe as Dr Harley does (and all of us here) maybe you can ask her if she thinks the M can survive if it isn�t put as the top priority. What would that look like? Where do you fit in, etc?
