Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum
This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at
mbrestored@gmail.com
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 510
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 510 |
I have a question about today's show and the first caller and getting your needs met. Still trying to understand that you need to make it enjoyable and not sacrifice yet not manipulating. I wish Dr. Harley had given her a more specific answer.... I still dont understand. So you don't give them their EN unless your EN is met?? But isn't that punishment which he said isn't a good motivator. But you use the EN as a reward for meeting theirs?? Isn't that the same thing?? I'm so confused and trying to understand.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,788 Likes: 2
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,788 Likes: 2 |
I can't find the show but I'm betting that Dr Harley said that getting your needs met needs to be enjoyable for your partner. Otherwise your spouse is sacrificing or manipulating (doing it so that his/her needs are met) and that will not work.
The process of meeting your partner's emotional needs has to be pleasurable for you.
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 510
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 510 |
Well in the show all of his needs were being met. She needed more affection and he never gave a specific example of how she could get that met need. So let us just say his need is sex and domestic support ( she didn't say so I'm just using this as an example) He told her to reward him when he did affection and that affection needed to be enjoyable for him.
So... hugging, telling her she loves him, etc How can those be made enjoyable for him? Do you see what I am saying. Dr. Harley kept saying to use the reward system but then are you saying if you are affectionate, then I will give you sex?
Do you see how I am confused
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Ok, I have read your question 5 times so far and I don't get it. He told her to reward him when he meets her needs in order to encourage him. So, instead of just giving him sex all the time, do it as a response to his affectionate overtures much like outlined in the newsletter, How to get the sex you need. He was saying to meet needs in a more strategic way in order to encourage her spouse.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 510
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 510 |
But that isn't being manipulative? See I gather that she was meeting his needs already. So she was giving him sex whenever he wanted. ( Once again, I don't know what his needs were. I'm just using a common one.) So basically Dr. Harley was telling her to say I will not have sex with you unless you are affectionate. Does that make sense?
Last edited by tiredwife45; 11/28/12 03:33 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
But that isn't being manipulative? See I gather that she was meeting his needs already. So basically she is saying, I will not have sex with you unless you are affectionate. Does that make sense? No. I know I like being rewarded for my efforts, don't you? Of I am rewarded, then I am much more motivated to meet his needs. That helps us both. He didn't tell her to threaten to withhold sex so I don't know what you mean by that.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 510
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 510 |
I do but since she was already doing it all then she is basically STOPPING what she was already doing until she gets what she wants. But that isn't being manipulative? See I gather that she was meeting his needs already. So basically she is saying, I will not have sex with you unless you are affectionate. Does that make sense? No. I know I like being rewarded for my efforts, don't you? Of I am rewarded, then I am much more motivated to meet his needs. That helps us both. He didn't tell her to threaten to withhold sex so I don't know what you mean by that.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 510
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 510 |
Im about to ask a question related to this on my own thread.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
799
guests, and
103
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,524
Members72,042
| |
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|
|
|
