So, Melody, KT, and EmilyAnn, I am listening to your advice thank you. We've been in this place before, where I thought everything was going to be ok, safe from now on, and I still felt a little nervous about jumping back in. Here's what Prisca said then:



So...it's been 7 days since "the break." I think I'll be more comfortable moving a bit slowly and cautiously until I feel more trusting and safe, and will try to relax and enjoy some UA in the meantime.

If should take MONTHS, if not years! for you to feel safe again. Your marriage can't wait on that. The best way to start that bonding is to get right back to it. If you continue this detachment he will become demoralized and you don't want that to happen.

Melody is right. You don't want to take weeks, months, and/or years before you start. I know that would start to possibly feel resentful or that I was that only one trying. So as he continues to show improvement, you should encourage it by meeting his ENs and avoiding LBs.

Z, it doesn't have to be one or the other, it can be both. You can focus on having fun during pre-planned UA and FC time while still making backup plans. If your H is truly remorseful and sees domestic violence as something he is leaving in the past, he will understand why you are making backup plans. The recidivism rate is so high it wouldn't make sense to put all your eggs in this basket anymore.

I don't know if I told you, but I grew up in a house with domestic violence. The *worst* most heartbreaking part of it for me was when my mom took us to go stay with a friend, and then took us back with her to go back my stepdad when nothing had changed but some meaningless empty promises that us kids knew not to believe in. The getting your ducks in a row is important so that once you make a decision you can stick with it.

I agree with Mel wholeheartedly. Bond.

And I agree with NED:
Be prepared for what you will do if he AOs again. Make a plan, and stick with it.

I may have missed it ... did you hear back from the Harleys?

Thanks everyone! It's all great advice, very helpful.

We are spending UA time and my H seems pretty happy. He's been consistently kind and caring - almost like a different person - and I'm being nice back. It's encouraging and we're bonding.

To your points, NED & Prisca, I still have my back-up plan in my pocket and I won't hesitate for a moment if needed. BTW NED, "recidivism?" AWESOME vocab, chicka!! That's one of the reasons I like you so much.

I haven't heard back from the Harley's, but you all have been so helpful that I feel like I know what to do (at least for now). Thanks so much!!

Off to bond...TTFN

Z,


Be mindful. The trip from withdrawal to intimacy is not instant, and conflict lies between. Resist the urges of your taker to fall into LB habits!

Yep.

Thanks HHH & CWMI, good reminder.

HHH,

Somewhere on your website I read that understanding why things moved to the place they are will help to lessen the hurt we feel .. I am realizing the truth in that statement now ..

couldn't find that webpage again.

NB,

The reason that post may have brought that thought up in your mind, is it is part of the basic concepts; specifically The Three States of Mind in Marriage.

Those three states are Intimacy (the state of Romantic Love), Conflict (when your Love Bank has fallen below the threshold of Romantic Love), and Withdrawal (well below the threshold, and a point which you may not be able to make deposits at all).

Furthermore, it is explained in the basic concepts about The Giver and the Taker, that it is typical in the state of Intimacy for the Giver to be "in the driver's seat." This is because your needs are well-met, which motivates you to meet the needs of your spouse without much expectation for return. In conflict, the taker is running the show - your needs aren't being met as well, and your taker wants them met... so one may resort to Love Busters.

In withdrawal, the giver is silent, the taker is in Plan FU, and it is very difficult to make deposits.


The trick is recognizing these feelings, and assessing the state of the marriage and how it can be improved;

How much UA time are we getting?

How is my spouse meeting my top 3 needs?

What, if any, Love Busters is my spouse slipping in to?

What are my spouse's top 3 needs? How am I meeting them?

What Love Busters might I be committing.


You will notice that UA time is THE FIRST thing to assess. It is the keystone of the whole shebang here, and if you aren't making sure to meet that requirement, it will be very difficult to restore or maintain romantic love in the marriage.



Sound about right?

How are things Zhamila?

Hi Anointed - haven't checked in here in a while.

Things are better...though my fears sometimes still rise up. He has been really nice. I am trying not to worry that it'll crash again, though that's been the pattern. We'll see.

6 weeks, nothing scary of note. I'm cautiously optimistic.

I will check your thread! Hope you are well.

Yay Zhamila! So glad to hear it!

OK, so it's been about 12 weeks since I asked H to leave & he promised to change. (he stayed)

Overall things have been ok, and we talked to Steve once. Steve made it pretty clear to me that it's not about whether he's being "nice" but whether he's taking ownership and - most crucially - whether he's being respectful and empathetic.

I am still a little nervous with him, and a bit withdrawn. I think he got fed up last week, and had an AO last Friday...he apologized afterward. It was just yelling and saying a couple of disrespectful things - I left the room.

I am trying to be encouraging and notice the good things - he says he needs more admiration - but frankly there's this little part inside of me that can't relax. I know he's trying, and I'm trying to let it sink in.

This is not an easy road - but we're still going!

Z, thanks for the update. I totally get it that it takes time to relax again. If you look back to Friday, there were probably times that each of you could have noticed the mood escalating, and make a choice to disengage earlier. Are you all doing that more often?

If you take a step back, out of the day-to-day, is your family set up for success now? Is your H still doing anger management? Are you all getting light, fun UA and FC time in consistently? What signals are you looking for to tell you when it's okay to relax again? Are you two in the habit of doing meaningful thoughtful things for each other to meet each others' ENs?

Is he doing things that are admirable? That was a problem with me and my H; he wanted admiration for who he thought he was rather than who he actually was. Once he aligned that, I found it easy to admire him. Have you told him what you admire in general?

Thanks for your responses, CWMI & NED - sorry I didn't write at the time...it was not "safe" to do so.

After that AO, he had a few more, and I suddenly realized: This is the boundary line I drew, the thing that meant I would separate from him the next time he AOs.

So I asked him to leave Thanksgiving weekend. The last week he was here was brutal: AOs, disrespect, slamming things around, demands, screaming at me, accusations, telling his daughter, "Don't worry DD, you won't have to be around 'her' ever again."

I asked him for 30 days no contact - I need time to heal. I'm amazed that I wake up in the morning....happy! It's such a relief not being surrounded by his anger, frightening behavior, blaming, demands. I don't think I even need my ADs anymore - I actually have ENERGY again, and I'm soooo enjoying my time with the kids, our freedom to just laugh and joke at dinner, eat what we want to eat, have their friends over, everything lovely. And just lying in bed by myself, without being afraid or torn up inside anymore - what a relief!

In 30 days I'll meet with him and assess whether he's done work on himself - enough to consider "dating" him from afar. I told him he must complete a year of batterers intervention classes before he can move back in. The day he left he said, "My therapist says I don't "need" batterers intervention." I said, "That's fine, he's met you 3 times. I've lived with you for almost 4 years. My condition is that you attend that class for a year if you want a chance at saving this marriage." He screamed at me, "So you think you know MORE than an EXPERT because you read your stupid books on ABUSE?!" I just calmly repeated my conditions for our recovery. Sheesh.

I attended my first support group for domestice violence last night. Those dear women have been through so much & some have no jobs, no education, lots of kids and can't see a way out. I am so blessed to have a way out...but it still took 2 years for me to realize what was happening & get the courage to ask for change! Why is it so hard to believe I deserve better?

Thanks so much for your support, everyone. I am also very thankful for Steve Harley, who made me feel "seen" and "heard" for the first time in YEARS. I'm moving forward, loving on my kiddos, strengthening my friendships (women only!). I even booked a vacation for the four of us next Spring - so excited!

NED, I would love to meet you IRL someday. You're an inspiration.

I'll keep y'all updated on any progress. Cheers!

That is very good.
Now you will start having doubts about your decision or need for him. When that happens really reach out to that support group. Ask for their advice on any relationship changes

Thanks Jedi. Good advice, I will.

You know, I reset the garage & security codes myself, decorated for Christmas inside (and out!) by MYSELF, and I'm in the process of organizing/cleaning out all the closets, cupboards, and cabinets. I've got a budget & I'm watching every penny...It feels good to do everything on my own. I can't imagine settling for all that pain/abuse again: but I betcha there will be days of doubt...so I'll watch out for 'em and get the help I need.