I had posted an update on my stitch a while back but I left out some details. I'm sure I'm going to get some 2x4's from vets so I will be in my duck and cover position. I have someone special in my life. For the sake of privacy we will call him CPA because that is who he is. He had been our (WXH & I) CPA since 2001. After WXH left & filed for divorce I got a call from his new assistant. I didn't want her to know my business so I asked to speak to CPA. She gave him the message and said "I think she is getting a D." He said no way because WXH and & seemed happily married (what a lie) He called & I told him what was going on. By then I knew marriage was over and my concern was what XWH did to finances. I was worried about audit. He gave me my options. File separate with no refund & XWH would have to pay or file joint and may get refund. Stupid me agreed to file joint. We went in separatetly to sign. I discovered WXH changed deposit to his own account so I didn't sign. CPA knew this but was bound by ethics so he didn't tell me. He was glad I asked where the money was going. XWH was livid & refused to change to joint checking. This saga went on for almost a year. Found out he lied to fidelity when he cashed in 50K Ira, said he was disabled. That meant 800 refund turned into $3000 owe. Long story short, I filed single in april. WXH now owes IRS 13,000K. Not sure if he knows that yet While CPA was e-mailing on status of 2010 taxes he would ask how kids & I were doing. XWH financially raped me, he had all financial control, stupid me. He was giving me $124 in CS for 4 kids. There was no court order, he's lawyer thew everything at me & now I know my lawyer didn't do what she should have for me. The utilities were being shut off. CPA offered to loan me money to get buy until I got court order child support. We both thought it would be a month or 2. It took almost a year. During that time CPA and I became friends. He was always there for me and as you may guess we became more than friends eventually. After XWH left that was the last thing on my mind. I was not interested & to tell you all the truth I wasn't attracted to CPA. Lifes a funny thing. I now have the relationship I have wanted all along. He is a what you see is what you get kind of person. I told him about MB principals and he looked a little puzzled because they seemed like common sense to him. As for his story, his marriage was always rocky. She filed for D in 2002. He was devastated 1st 2 years but now realizes it wasn't a good marriage. They get along ok for the sake of their children. She is happy for him that he found someone. I know I am leaving out a lot of details but I don't want to write a book.

Rebound

How much money did he actually loan you?

I read your story and it sounds like a fairy tale of a knight in shining armor rescuing a damsel in distress.

I know how it sounds, that's why I was waiting for the 2x4's. As for the money he loaned me, A few hundred a month when my parents couldn't get $ to me in time to pay bills. CPA has been a kiwanis member for over 33 years. Kids well being is one of his passions. The reason he lent me the money was for the kids. He couldn't fathom a father financially abandoning his kids like my XWH was. CPA said to me "You are a strong person, you will make it through this but right now you have to think of the kids & you are not in a position to refuse anyones help if they offer." I had to swallow my pride & wake up to reality. No job (I was a SAHM for 18 years), joint bank account in -, WXH reported my CC stolen. I had Nothing and I had to wake up to the fact that WXH would not do right by his kids, he still doesn't. He now has to pay state & they pay me. He is supposed to pay 60% of the extra's the kids need. I have not seen a dime. I have to take him back to court for that. My support team that has been there through this mess had a close eye on CPA in the beginning as they should have. My SIL (XWH's sister) has met him several times. She thinks he is great for me. She was there when I started to come out of the fog. She said "you're back, what did he do to you?!?!" (She has known me for over 22 years) She has disowned her brother because of what he did to the kids & I.

CPA did help financially at the start but pushed me to get it together & find a job. He has given me quite a few 2x4's himself.

What kind of things have you done for yourself to help you heal? You were D when you started dating CPA?

Good questions. Things I have done to help me heal. I think the biggest thing was seeing my marriage for what it really was & seeing my WXH for who he really was. There were signs from the beginning that I ignored. When he 1st left I thought it was classic alien affair. It wasn't that is who he is. #1 with him is money and status. I re-read my diaries from the last 7 years and it was eye opening. Over and over I said "why does he pretend to be someone he is not in front of people. If he would be himself then he'd know people like him for who he is." Truth is they wouldn't, sad but true. Talking to the kids about the truth was another step in healing. I apologized for putting him 1st. I didn't realize I was doing it & they understand that but it was wrong. I found out from our talks there were things I didn't know about how he treated them. We were all prisoners in his sick world of control, manipulation & lies. It's been almost 2 years so now they really see us as 2 different people instead of one. The truth is so clear to all of us. It's sad but they know he is not going to change, the oldest is 19 and lives 3 hours away. When he comes for a visit he stays with me & meets his dad for lunch, that's all he can take. The 16 & 17 YO have a countdown going until they turn 18. My XWH is mean to DD16. She has now become his target for abuse instead of me. DS17 had the hardest time at first, he idolized his dad. Now he knows he is a fraud. They all are ashamed & embarrassed by him and he doesn't even know it. Just getting away from him was huge for me. I have talked to my support team about what was going on in our marriage especially the last 7 years. That alone was huge in my healing process. Getting over the embarrassment for being so nieve and being in denial of what the truth was. I'm sure there is more, I will have to think about it more.

As for my relationship with CPA. The friendship started about 9 months after XWH left. Started having feelings after about a year. I told him I wouldn't have a relationship with anyone until D was final & annulled final. Did wait until D final but annulment is another story. As for the relationship, we have a lot in common. This is something I didn't expect but found out as we got to know each other. With nothing physical going on we did a lot of talking. Core morals & values being the biggest thing. Just seeing how he takes care of his ex was a huge sign for me. If she needs something he is there for her. He says "We may not be together but she is the mother of my children and I owe her the world for that." Before this comes up, yes I have met her. I have known about how their marriage ended for many years. She told him she wanted to meet me so we met briefly at a home coming game.

I did think of something else that helped me in my healing. Honesty. That is why I posted the update about my stitch. If I post here with out letting others know what is going on in my life what good would it be to other posters who are in crisis. My hope is to help others who are going through what I went through. I know from coming here a marriage can survive and become stronger if MB principals are followed.

I don't mean in any way to offend you.
But you sound like a fix it project for the CPA.

Trust me, no offense taken. I'm sure I was at first. I take that back, I know I was at first. I am still amazed at how far I've come and how strong I am now. Hard to get it across in a post. I am now working 2 part time jobs & manage to make it on my own. I do get court ordered support (state minimum) but I deserve that no matter what XWH says. I am the happiest I've been in a long time. I would be even with out CPA. He is my bonus. We have talked about that. We both feel we don't need each other we are blessed to have each other. I have been a great help to him also. We've talked about went wrong with both marriages & what we did wrong. I also help him with Kiwanis, boyscouts (he is a boy scout leader) and personal stuff. I couldn't pay him back so we found creative ways to "barter" I am what you could call a handy-woman. I encouraged him to (and helped) him jackhammer the ugly tile floor up in his office kitchen. (He works out of a house) We were so excited to see hardwoods in good condition. He is race co-ordinator for a large road race so I helped him with that taking off some of the pressure. I am his sounding board. He had big issues with his assistant. He ended up firing her, I was there to support him in that decision that ended up being the right one.

Have you thought about doing MB with him? Have you read optimism's thread? He and his fiance NG have talked to Dr. Harley and working MB into their lives especially with POJA and opt's children.

Have you thought about dating more men?

Have you read this? Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

We have implemented MB principals just by the nature of who we are. I have told him about EN's, Love bank etc and we do that but haven't done any of the papers found on this sight. He says they seem like common sense to him & every couple should treat each other that way. I am planning on printing out some of the questionnaires for us soon.


This made me laugh, I didn't think I would ever date again period. We both are committed to each other.

I have read that. When I was still in my fog I thought WXH was a buyer that turned into renter then freeloader. I know now he was a renter then a freeloader. I say he was never a buyer because he was never fully committed as a team. He always put himself & his needs 1st. When he did help out with the kids it was like he expected a pat on the back.

Edited to add... When it comes to all 6 kids (4 mine & 2 his) They come 1st. His are off in college so when they are home he spends time with them. 3 of mine are home. We spend most of the time my kids are with XWH together. CPA also spends time with the kids and I. The kids like him very much. DS17 has a lot of respect for him & says he is a great role model unlike his dad.

I know that this is hard to imagine now but when you meet Mr Right the kids will no longer come first. Your relationship will be first and everything, everything else will be negotiated. A lack of understanding of this fundamental point is the reason why blended families have such a high failure rate. No relationship can survive second best status.

If you feel you are not ready for that level of commitment, wait till your children are older.

Blended families are a whole other ball game.

Have you read these?
Blended Families #1
Blended Families #2

I think I know what you mean, we have talked about this. Right now we both are happy with how things are progressing. We have talked about the future. We both feel very strongly that we are meant to be together. That is why I brought up MB to him & I keep coming here. There has been a lot of changes in my life. New job, new home, kid getting ready to go to college. We make sure we spend 15 hours together (where did I hear that from?) Getting an annulment is very important to me as is getting married in the catholic church. He is not catholic but I do not have a issue with that and he has no issue with getting married in the catholic church. Annulment will take awhile, it's on my to do list. He is very supportive of my faith. I am a youth group core leader & a religious education teacher. He supports me in these things & comes to church. I support him in his volunteer work and I go. We had our separate passions and now that we are together we support, take an interest and help each other. I was at a Kiwanis event just recently and as he was handing me a hot dog to give to one of the kids he said "this is so much more fun with you." I may not have explained the kids come 1st too well. It isn't that if they call I drop him or vice versa. It is they are our children and need to be considered. I will read the blended family articles that were posted.

No I haven't but I will! Thanks.

Tell me what you think.

Here are some clips.
Radio Clip on Blended Families
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

"I think I know what you mean, we have talked about this. Right now we both are happy with how things are progressing. We have talked about the future. We both feel very strongly that we are meant to be together. That is why I brought up MB to him & I keep coming here. There has been a lot of changes in my life. New job, new home, kid getting ready to go to college. We make sure we spend 15 hours together (where did I hear that from?) Getting an annulment is very important to me as is getting married in the catholic church. He is not catholic but I do not have a issue with that and he has no issue with getting married in the catholic church. Annulment will take awhile, it's on my to do list. He is very supportive of my faith. I am a youth group core leader & a religious education teacher. He supports me in these things & comes to church. I support him in his volunteer work and I go. We had our separate passions and now that we are together we support, take an interest and help each other. I was at a Kiwanis event just recently and as he was handing me a hot dog to give to one of the kids he said "this is so much more fun with you." I may not have explained the kids come 1st too well. It isn't that if they call I drop him or vice versa. It is they are our children and need to be considered. I will read the blended family articles that were posted."

Well you are in conflict with the Sacrament of Marriage as a baptized Catholic.
I would like to share the following: (i do not in any way cast any type of judgement ; I am also divorced): however, your statement about annulment and remarriage baffles me because you are still married by canon law and in a technically extra marital relationship until annulment is granted. The Church of Rome does not recognize civil divorce:

Catechism 2382: "Between the baptized, "a ratified and consummated marriage cannot be dissolved by any human power or for any reason other than death." Mathew 19: 7-9

What about CPAs divorce?

Catechism 2384 (Saint Basil Moralia 73, 1: pg 31, 849-852):

I encourage you to speak with your priest and ask for guidance on this relationship prior to annulment

and please remember that if you are granted an annulment it will make your children illegitimate. Are you really going to tell them that your marriage to their father was not real?

Jedi_Knight,
Yes I am still married by cannon law. I have thought about this and have talked to one of the church leaders for guidance about this even before CPA. I am working to get an annulment but I feel in my heart my marriage spiritually was over long before it was legally over. The way I look at marriage is there is legal and spiritual but the spiritual is even more complicated. I have read lots of articles on line about annulment. Process takes average of 16 months & lots of paperwork. I have to admit the one thing that I have to take deep breaths about & prepare for is his response. He can be nasty. The other issue is our pastor, to be honest I am not really fond of him. There have been some issues with the church staff and I don't like the way he handled them. he's a conflict avoiding type. The person I am counseling with is helping me set something up to speak with the assistant pastor, he is awesome. In my heart I feel I went into my marriage thinking we both had the same beliefs but I discovered he was words not action. It wasn't his affairs that ended our marriage. I have learned from this website that those can be over come. For lack of better words, I didn't know him. It sounds so bizarre saying it but I know him better now than I did when we were married. The signs were there, he just convinced me what I saw, felt, knew wasn't how it really was. He can be very convincing, he fooled a lot of people. Our marriage was a lie that I discovered only after I got away from him and his control. Sorry for the rambling, I'm not good at getting feelings across in a post.

As for CPA marriage, she asked him to leave in 2002. He thought they were working on the marriage while apart. He moved in with his mom thinking it would be temporary. They went on a family vacation a few months later. She mentioned on car ride home she talked to a lawyer. He asked if she filed & she said no. a few days later he was served. They D some time in 2003. He said first 2 years were hard but realized she was right, it wasn't a good marriage from the start. Biggest thing for him to admit and accept is he was a sperm donor. He loved her more than she loved him. She had been married 2x before & was in her mid 30's. They had dated many years earlier between 1st & 2nd marriage. She moved 1/2 way across the country to get away from their home town. (Both went to same HS) They reunited after 2nd marriage failed, She got D and moved back to home town. She pushed for marriage and kids right away. After D he was not interested in dating until after his mom died about 2-3 years ago. He went on a couple of dates. He tells the funniest stories about entering the dating world.

This is a common misconception, I too was concerned.

"Does annulment make our
children illegitimate?"

No � children of a marriage that's determined to be invalid by a Catholic annulment, are still legitimate. (Code of Canon Law, canon 1137)

When a couple marries, they assume the marriage is valid and was entered into in good faith. Children conceived under this assumption of a valid marriage, are considered to be legitimate.

This fact does not change even if the marriage is later found to be not valid.

My reason for seeking an annulment was not so I could some day re-marry in the church. It was because XWH was having an affair. He moved in with her and then married her. Yes I now have CPA in my life but I had planned to and researched getting an annulment soon after XWH left.