Hi gettingoverit. Honestly, it does not sound like you are getting over it and it is not surprising since this OW is allowed to continue to spit in your face.

My story is almost the exact same as yours including the self righteous OW who was one of the other mothers and thought I needed to be more adult about the adult issue. It was really only her lame attempt at damage control.



What snooping tools do you have in place?


I'm not even going to ask you if your WH has committed to NC for life because that would be impossible given that your kids are in the same school.

Do yourself a big favor and get the book Surviving An Affair... do it right after you inform the BH the truth about his life. He can handle the truth...it is the lies and deceit that he cannot handle. He cannot protect his family if he does not know what the problem is.

Thanks (not so much ) for reminding me, KR.

But yes, Gettingoverit, karmasrose has it exactly right: An affair that isn't properly exposed, and where the affair partners remain in any form of contact, is an affair that's very likely to stay undead. Halfway through mine, before it went physical, I made a half-hearted effort to break it off. Half-hearted, because I didn't cut off all contact. And not too long after that, I (last person in the world you'd have thought would have an affair) was slipping cash to hotel clerks so the charge wouldn't show up on a credit card statement. So much for breaking it off.

Had I self-exposed to my wife, had it been exposed to the other woman's husband, and had there been implementation of no-contact all at that point, then I might've been able to save a few shreds of honor. Instead, it resumed, lasted 5 more weeks, went physical, and I crashed all the way to the bottom, which is a helluva a place from which to start back up. And if there's still contact, "up" is gonna be a helluva long road for you & your husband. He needs to realize this.

Thank you GloveOil for your continued help on these boards.

And thank you for bearing my question so well, GloveOil. I knew if anyone could help her figure out the NC issue it would be someone who had been in her H's position.

Gettingoverit, I hope you take on board the excellent advice you have been given so far. The only chance you have to recover and rebuild an even better marriage is to expose and for your H to have NC with the OW.

It is also really important for OWH to know about the A. He is entitled to know there was/is a 3rd party in his M. OWH can also become an ally ensuring NC and helping end the A if it is ongoing.

thanks everyone for your comments. they have been helpful. it is very hard to continue to act like i trust my husband and it is an act. He has started going in to work 3 nights a week to pick up more hours and my mind is constantly creating havoc while he is gone. I really have no way to verify if he working. we only have one phone because money is tight, so i can't call him. When he comes home, we usually always have sex and I guess I thought of this as a good thing, but one night I was sick and in the morning I found loads of porn on his ipod. I don't know why it bothered me so much, but I felt kind of betrayed. He just said he couldn't go to sleep without a release. But they were girls 10 years younger than me and it was just a shock I guess.
On a different note, a friend of mine gave us the book His Needs, Her Needs and that is what I have tried to work with my husband on understanding. That I meet his needs, which I am doing 10 fold and in turn he should meet mine, but I couldn't even get him to read more than the first chapter and whenever I bring it up he just gets mad and tells me it is stupid that I think we need to do it just because it is in a book.

what do you mean by "snooping tools"

Snooping tools, like spyware on his phone and keyloggers on his computer.

Please read this. Carrot and Stick of Plan A

You need to follow both the carrot (meeting his needs) and stick (exposing the affair).

It causes me great anxiety to tell the ow husband that my husband had sex with her when she was 4 months pregnant with their son. Like I said in an earlier post, I have to see her a lot and so i generally act like she doesn't exist. I am worried about the backlash if i tell him. When i replied to her message about "getting over myself" she told me that i am obsessed and i guess that in some ways it feels like I am and I don't want her to be right. it feels like i should be moving on, but i am stuck in a vicious cycle. I know i would want to know, but I am worried about what will happen if word gets out too public. In this small town your reputation is tied to your families. I am a teacher trying to find in employment and people would just eat it up to find out my husband had an affair. how do i go about it discretely and what do I say?

Try and keep things on one thread, people may get confused.

You NEED to tell him. He deserves to know what is happening to him.



There is no discretion here. You are throwing a bomb into the Pig-Rutting BUnker and it will be blown all to heck. Your marriage is under attack and you are afraid to fight back for fear you will be labeled as bad.

You MUST do this. You CAN do this.

I don't have proof anymore. My husband broke his phone during the initial time that I found out, so no text messages and I was stupid and deleted all of the messages she sent me on facebook bc I didn't want to see them, and i wasn't aware of how you can archive them then. I read the exposure 101 link and I know she has already told her husband things about me that aren't true bc he gives me dirty looks when he picks his daughter up instead of her. I have often wondered what she said to make him not like me. do i write him a letter? Send him a message on FB?

Try FB if you think that it will be better. He has to know.

Expose to everyone you can on FB, even without evidence. Do you have access to your H's phone records online? You could try looking there.

Listen,
If you know that he is having an affair you don't need written evidence to expose.
I'm unaware of anyone asking to see the evidence.

You need to expose it ASAP.
An you do it this weekend on Facebook?
Read the exposure 101 thread and then prepare an exposure letter and post it here for review first

what do i say? How can I be the one to hurt him so much ( i mean it isn't me, but I am the messenger and I don't want to get shot!) I want to tell him have wanted to since I found out, but how do I do it with tact?

You tell him the truth.
The same way a mechanic says that your tires need changed.
Same way a doctor says you have heart disease and need treatment.
You don't beat around the bush.

You tell him

You are not the one who has hurt him, remember that. It's his WIFE who is doing it.

During my wife's affair, I believe that family members may have actually concealed the affair and kept it a secret.
I wish they would have told me.

He has a right to know

heres a draft:
You don't know me, but we have seen each other in passing a few times and every time the guilt that grips me is hard to take. I have been wanting to tell you this for months, but I did not know how to do it without causing you pain. I realize now that saving you from that pain, is not honest either. You deserve to know that our spouses had an affair with each other. I found text messages from Sarah to my husband that were sexually suggestive. But I was naive and I wanted to believe them both when they told me they were just friends and it was all in fun. In February last year, I sent your wife a facebook message forgiving her for what I thought was just inappropriate texts she sent to my husband. She blew me away when she responded that it was a heat of the moment thing and only happened once. I guess she thought I knew more than I did. I confronted my husband and he admitted that they had cheated on one occasion.
Now what?

it is a past affair. they are no longer involved with each other.

Ask him to contact you if he has any questions. Give him a link to MB so we may help him.

What about your family and family of OW? I would expose to them also.