I've just found this site and started reading the related material.
Mine is committed relationship for part 3 and half years. Every years 3 month prior to his birthday our disagreements start and last for most of the 3 months. Aside for this being a mystery as we don't have any holiday related stress (we don't go full fledged on presents etc), I've come to realize that I'm expecting his to communicate.

We have a disagreement and if he continues to disagree with me I feel my needs are not met. I go in a silent mode and expect him to solve the problem. He stops talking and stays on the sofa for days until I just sweep what's bothering me under the rug. This happens until the weeks following , the cycle starts over.

What's the best way to start tackling this?

Welcome to MB.

Are you living together? Any children? How old are you both?

Are you married?

We are living together and no children. I am 33 and him 37

Please read Living Together Before Marriage #1
Living Together Before Marriage #2

Tell us what you think.

Also please read all the letters in this.

Choosing the Right One to Marry #1

I think it is fair to say that not talking to each other is a communication gap.


Stop giving him the silent treatment. You can't control what he does but if you don't talk to him, he likely figures why bother talking to you...and the crickets chirp. If he doesn't want to talk, be a part of the solution then you should look at ending the relationship.

I noticed my thread got moved by one of the mods. We are married.

Blackraven
I don't know what else to do to make myself feel better, when talking or not talking neither make a difference.
Is it possible that his behavior towards my silence is to avoid having to listen me when I feel hurt about something?

Hey Wearld

It seems like you are not the only one hurt here...

Have you tried to meet ALL your husbands emotional needs recently?

Are you sure he is not having an affair?

Wearld,
I am a little confused. Do you mean this happens 3 months before you husbands birthday every year?

Yea LGL, consistently 3 months every year since I am can recall since I've known him. Weird overs elevation too I know
Must be an affair. Sad but possible

How long have you been together? How long have you been married? The fact that it happens every year at the same time made my mind jump it emotional or BP issues. I am no expert, I hope one of the vets can help you.

Hey Wearld

If you are married, click "Notify" & ask the mods to move it back to the married-section.

My BPD ex had exactly the same thing: every year, same period.

Her father died when she was very young; I knew that, but what I did not know was that it was actually a yearly recurring grieving process that started at least a month & a half before the actual date. I was completely unaware of it for years until
I "caught" her once laying out al the personal items she had inherited from her dad: his watch, belt, buckle & glasses.

Did your husband go through any childhood trauma you are aware of? --------------------------------------->Notify hereunder!

I think there was confusion about whether you were married or not, but I see you've cleared that up.

Hit notify and ask them to move this to MB101.

Have you snooped to see if he is having an affair?

No I have not snooped as I dont have his passwords.

Maybe he still grives for his father but I don't know to be sure.
I've asked him to involve me in the process when he is making plans with his mother and brother. But I am not getting results.
I can be doing the Poja but how long till I ignore problems and my hurt till he would listen.

You must first eliminate the possibility of an affair. Go to the Operation Investigate forum and start reading. The best is to put a software keylogger on his computer. Can you do this without his knowledge? If you do not have acess to his computer at all, you might ask for the master password so that you can use it because 'your computer has frozen and you are in a rush'. Once the keylogger is on, you will get every password and can see all his activity. If you cannot get his master password, you can use a hardware keylogger instead but he might spot it so leave it on there just long enough to get what you need and then remove it. After you have the password, you can snoop to your heart's content of course.

Both of you should have full access to each others computers including all passwords. Anything less than that is a red flag that you have a problem.



Start at the other end. Show him how the POJA can work for him. Start small; for instance, what time to get up on Saturday morning. Afterwards be sure to tell him how great it felt for you and ask him if negotiating worked better for him too. I'm sure you are making decisions all the time that ought to be POJAed first.

Gradually increase the use of POJA until it becomes a reflex for you both. Your goal is to eventually POJA every decision in the family except those you have agreed not to POJA (what you have for lunch, expenditures of under $50 etc) for the rest of your life.

POJA does not work unless you are totally honest. Conflict avoiders have a very hard time telling the truth. If something bothers you, you must say so but without nagging. So if he makes plans to see his mother and does not tell you, be sure to state calmly that you would have liked to know and another time could he bring you into the process earlier please. Then change the subject to something cheerful, no sulking either!

So the concept here is to demonstrate how much better things are in your marriage if you do not ignore problems and negotiate them instead.

I was trying Poja and then stopped and will retry again. I got the book His needs, her needs. I started reading on his needs #2 as #1 is he has refused last time. This has happened before more than once.
It will take a while to get the passwords.
He is currently out of work and our main support is his family.

At the same time I can't figure what else I do as when I ask why he wud not discuss little things or share wts going on, he remains quite. I too don't have another support other than be respected in this relation.

Being out of work is painful and demoralising. Can you give us any more detail on why you stopped using the POJA and what it was that he refused?