What Plan A efforts are you making? How long have you been Plan Aing?

After three weeks, if he is still this unremorseful and has not got up off his backside to make amends, you need to have Plan B ready to go. See my sig regarding Plan B.

Give him the following as conditions for staying in the marrriage. Write it out and tell him you expect him to be on board if he wishes to stick around.

Tell him:

I want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and I will NOT stay in a loveless marriage. I am willing to give you an opportunity to earn my forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take:

1. End all contact with OW for life - send her a letter that we write together and is mailed by me

2. No more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. Complete transparency - cell phone, passwords,finances etc

4. No more opposite sex friendships

5. Complete honesty about your affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. Commit to a program for marital recovery of my choosing.

This is what it will take to keep me in this marriage. You will have to have willingness and ability to make radical changes in your life if we are going to be married. Your lifestyle must become an open book, holding nothing back, these precautions are to prevent another affair. I love you and have no doubt that you are capable of meeting these requirements

Noted!

He claims OW intends to quit after the bonus payout.

"What if she doesn't?"

"Then I'll quit."

He said they don't contact at all now. It used to happened at FR but they got back together! I still don't feel good that they are in the same office.

But he doesn't know exactly when's the bonus payout, as he's not under the scheme. Mine's around Feb 2013.

I doubt his credibility though.

He starts to tell me his whereabouts after I requested, but reluctantly it seems.

At times,he'll look into the empty space and blank out, and other emotional acts. He still refused to open up and talk nothing more except kids. He even claimed he hopes to die soon. (Feel so insulted!)

Is that withdrawal stage?

I don't see anyone can last doing something against their will and not something they wanted to do. I don't sense his repentance and he's back cos he had too.

That sounds nothing like withdrawal, that sounds like there is contact and he is determined to get you to back off.

Maybe they are so truly in love

Paging BrainHurts: Can you locate the "Schmoopies" thread?

How about the website instead....

https://soulmateshmoopies.wordpress.com/2010/11/06/part-1/

Can't locate thread but in meantime until the Queen of Links arrives google soulmate schmoopies. It is really good for a laugh and a BS sanity.

Thank you.

DD, you should watch the cartoon on that website. The characters have the same basis for "love" as your WH and the POSOW have.

But, you're not real big on following suggestions are you? How's the nuclear, everybody-including-his-barber exposure coming along?

They aren't in love, you need to realize. This is pig-rutting, roll-in-the-hay, secret-dark-slip-cash-to-hotel-clerks lurrrve.

It's shameless pig filth love.

dduchess we all understand how you feel about exposure but your really need to do this. As you've been told exposure is the greatest tool in ending an A, it is also a key factor in rebuilding your marriage.

Exposure is the only way to get the truth out there don't let WH & OW put a spin on this and portray you as crazy of the bad guy.
If you don't do a full exposure you are enabling the A.

An added benefit of nuclear exposure - if the truth is out in the open WH & OW can't use your children to normalise the A.

Here it is.

Soul Mate Shmoopies

Hi

Thanks for the link, cracks me up.

So far the affair was exposed to his and her family and some friends.

And he "returned" and claimed "wanting to try".
So I was thinking to give him another chance to expose to their office and rest.

Am I not hard hearted enough?

dduchess, do you mean give him another chance to expose (I doubt he would do this unless he is remorseful and willing to do what it takes for recovery) or do you mean give him a chance before exposing to work (full nuclear is more effective, than trickle exposure)

Glad you enjoyed soulmate schmoopies ... its a sanity saver, good to have a laugh and put into perspective how ridiculous the wayward behaviour is.

I mean give a chance before the nuclear exposure at work.

Oh wells, I do question myself that I deserve a much better than this changed man.

And why am I wanting to save our marriage (or him), when I know I deserve better and should just leave.

Dislike being such a wimp

Btw, if they are no longer together, but WH isn't still remorseful, I don't see the the need to expose anymore?

Well, he's told you to endure months of uncertain pain while he does absolutely nothing but spin you lines. Exposure is needed straight away.

Even if the affair is broken up (which it isnt) and he is totally remorseful (which he isn't) and there is a plan in place to ensure NC with OW (which there isnt) you would still need to expose.

Exposure is the light of day. Most sane people know that if they start an A, people will find out and think less of them. Adulterers are not sane people, they think what they are doing is fine and reasonable. Exposure helps return that sense of realism and sanity.

And you need to have this out there so it stops being a dirty, heavy secret, that YOU are responsible for.

You need his family and friends to make it plain what he is doing is unacceptable. You need his workplace to condemn it. You need the support of your family and friends. You are still so much in shock and so much in the dark, you have no idea what blam for the wounds it is to get some backing.

Your H is working on the very arrogant assumption that you will suck up the pain all on your own, wave him off to work to meet the OW every day and hide all his dirty secrets for him so he can continue to pretend to be a good man. It is a very bad idea to let him keep this arrogance.

Make it very clear to him that you will not hide messes of this nature from world for him, it is his mess to clean up. After exposure of course.

People tend to stay in the fog without exposure. Or slip back into adulterous habits.

Like lying to people about who you really are!

Dr Harley recommends exposure even if the affair ended YEARS ago: