I do not know the details of the Canon Law on this subject but I do know that when my father tried to encourage me to get an annulment, I instinctively felt that this would be damaging to the children and unhealthy for me. Even without the legitimacy issue (thank you for pointing that out), there is still the problem that your grounds would need to be that the marriage contract was faulty.

It is always tempting to rewrite the past when things have gone wrong. Would it not be best to see what you did and did not do in the light of what you now know through MB and then put it behind you?

You don't have the authority to invalidate the Holy Sacrament of Marriage.
You say that the marriage is "spiritually over"; but that's only in your mind.
According to your church you are married.

You are in a spiritual state of adultery until the Church no longer recognizes you as being married.

You also mention that it is important for you to be married in the Catholic Church but you currently don't show any respect for the rules.

Having only read about you for 5 minutes, obviously not knowing you at all, my opinion probably isn't worth a nickel.
But I think you should immediately stop seeing CPA and clean up your side of the street, reconcile yourself to the Church and if it takes 16 months to do so then so be it.
Dr Harley has told numerous posters to wait a year or so after divorce. Now keep in mind he is a Protestant and does not address Catholic rules but if you email him for his opinion he may encourage you to decide what your priorities are

I feel the opposite as you. I realized after he left the whole marriage was a lie. If it was just we fell apart I may have felt differently. He not only lied about things in the marriage but everything including his own family. After he left lots of people reached out to me and we talked. It was like putting a puzzle together when he held most of the pieces and some people saw a piece along the way. I have talked about annulment with the older 3 and they think it is the right thing to do for all of us. They also were victims of his controlling manipulative lies. They feel (as I do) his actions show he does not grasp the sanctity of marriage. His current marriage bothers them for many reasons including the fact that he is still married to me in the eyes of the church.


I'm not sure what you mean by put it behind me. Could you explain?

I do not feel I'm trying to re-write history. I know I wasn't perfect in the marriage, who is. Good times and in bad, you work together. I have gone through our marriage over and over with counselor. We went all the way back to the start. It was extremely helpful. I had read a lot of things posted on this site when WXH first started last affair. I am in the process of doing a refresher course. I think MB principals are great to implement in other relationships also.

What I mean by this is to move only forwards. We can only start from where we are now. You are divorced with children and putting your life back together for which you are to be congratulated. But I hear lots of justifications for your current relationship based on your past experiences in your marriage. When you have fully recovered, you will see both the good and the bad of your marriage and will no longer look for a partner to compensate for what you did not have but will find one to complement who you are.



MB principles are great but they are also very dangerous. Because these tools are so powerful, it is possible to create love when it is not with the right person or the right time. The most tempting of all is to stay in buyer mode when you should become a freeloader.

Thank you JK & LW, you have given me things to think about.

"I feel the opposite as you. I realized after he left the whole marriage was a lie. If it was just we fell apart I may have felt differently. He not only lied about things in the marriage but everything including his own family. After he left lots of people reached out to me and we talked. It was like putting a puzzle together when he held most of the pieces and some people saw a piece along the way. I have talked about annulment with the older 3 and they think it is the right thing to do for all of us. They also were victims of his controlling manipulative lies. They feel (as I do) his actions show he does not grasp the sanctity of marriage. His current marriage bothers them for many reasons including the fact that he is still married to me in the eyes of the church."

It seems like a contradiction for you to justify annulment because the kids are uncomfortable with his current civil marriage because he is still married to you...yet you are having an extramarital affair with another man!

This is where you must decide what lesson you will teach your children. Because they WILL remember this for the rest of their lives.
Do you walk away from the Church and say, I have a civil divorce and the entire marriage was a lie?
Or do you say, Marriage is a Holy Sacrament and I am responsible for MY actions and I will respect the sanctity of marriage and the Word of God?

Read the book of Job.
When the Devil says, Watch this time, he will deny you now. He will sin now. ,,,,apply that to your situation.
I am speaking to you as a brother in Christ and In brotherly love, not as MB advice.

You husband is gone.
You must set the example of Godly living for your children. I know it's difficult. But if you don't then who will? Certainly not their father.

Do you teach them to respect civil authorities more than Church authorities?
30 years from now, when you are an old lady, how do you want to look back at this time?

Nobody (that I am aware of) on MB has valid priestly orders.
This is a matter that you need to discuss with your church authorities. And please do it soon. Teach your children to be accountable for their actions.

Someone else here who is getting civilly married before an annulment is complete (which is perfectly fine in my book) got a congratulations from the same people who are giving LGLG grief. Why is that?

My personal opinion is that this is a Marriage Builders website, not a Catholic one. The advice on here should be MB specific and I don't recall LGLG asking for opinions about the validity of getting an annulment. Standing down from my soap box now.

Travis

My comments are not MB based. My comments to her are as a brother in Christ.
But I think if she emailed Dr Harley he would also tell her to determine what her priorities are.

Read page 84 in Buyers Renters Freeloaders