My wife said the same things and she was having an affair.

Have divorce papers been filed?

No divorce papers filed yet.

Is she self sufficient?
How is she paying her bills?
As for the custody is it a legal agreement or just an agreement you guys worked out?

we have agreed on everything on our own. We do 50% parenting time. She pays all of her own bills with no help from me. The same on my side. She moved out and I have the house.

We have had no problems agreeing on anything other then she is done with the marriage and I'm not ok with it. She lost her dad this last January and is still not able to properly grieve the loss. I noticed today that she posted on his facebook wall "I love you dad" I feel for her and wish she would get help. She needs help, but she doesn't ever ask others for help. She does everything on her own.

Do you know her top emotional needs?
Try to meet them as much as possible
Give it all you can. Ask for nothing in return during this time.

You may want to email the radio show and ask for Dr Harleys opinion.
It is free.

Thanks for the advice! Here's one I've been pondering. I give her a few specific outfits of the girls every couple weeks for her to wash. (her idea) as neither one of us want to buy more clothes due to me ruining them:) I was thinking about giving her a gift certificate as a thank you. I figured it would be a nice gesture and I really do appreciate her helping me with that!

How do you ruin them? Is it the way you wash them?

They are just the expensive sweaters, etc... that have to be washed with whoolite, etc.. It's just easier to let her take care of that. She doesn't mind and I think she likes doing it to help out.

Do you think she would like it more if you did them yourself and did them the way she likes?

It's been a while so I wanted to update. My W and I have been talking more and she came over yesterday after church for 3 hours. We played with the girls and had pizza. That's it. I'm not discussing anything as I want the atmosphere to be laid back. I asked her about 3 weeks ago if she wanted to take the girls to an indoor water park on new years eve. She gave me an answer this morning and said she would like to do that, but she won't be spending the night. That's fine with me.

Any advice moving forward. Just continue to take it slow and get her to open up? I don't want to read into this as it means anything and I don't want to push, but it's better then where I was a month ago!

**EDIT**

Moderator note: please do not caution posters to "be wary of the regulars here" or otherwise criticize other posters. Please simply advise using Marriage Builders concepts. Thank you!

[quote=hume174]**edit**

I appreciate your honesty and no offense taken. I am at a stage in this process that I am happy again and it kind of scares me to even give anymore energy to someone that seems to value me as a person so little. I haven't been on here or other sites that much lately because honestly I'm starting to just not focus on all of this so much and just living my new life. I don't pursue her anymore like I used to and it's not because I'm playing tricks, or games, but because I'm moving on.

This isn't saying that I've given up completely either. I'm just not basing my future happiness on whether or not my marriage is resolvable.

Did you ever email the radio show?

Your only hope is If you actively plan A.
Wouldn't your children be better off with their parents in a model marriage?

I am seeing small changes of my wife opening up, but I still don't know what to do. I talked to her a week ago and told her that I needed to let her go if that is what she really wants and that I need to learn to respect her wishes. I sent her a link to divorcewriter.com that evening and asked her if this is something we could work on together as it would save us both money and we have been cordial with everything and know how everything would be split up, so we don't really need to involve lawyers. She said that she is still praying about things and needs more time to think.

This is what she tells me everytime. She never gets back to me though. She is doing more with me, but it is only when the kids are involved. I don't know if that creates a safety for her, or if she is just missing the girls more lately.

She is coming over Christmas night to see the girls. She is also doing something with all of us on New years Eve. I just don't know what to do. I give her the chance to move on and have told her that I won't fight a divorce and she just doesn't seem to want it. She doesn't want to be with me, but she doesn't want a divorce. I'm so tired of this that I am ready to move on with my life if that is what she wants.

Any thoughts on what she is thinking and why she is acting like this?

Have you seen a lawyer?

Have you done any Plan A?

Maybe you can get her to fill out the needs questionaire if you tell her you have obviously been blindsided for years an that her leaving you has been an eye-opener.
You can say that you now realize that you have done wrong many things and you want to become a better person than you have been in the past.
Tell her she would greatly help you is she would fill out the lists so you can see where you have been lacking in the past. Tell her that you are determined to become a better person, regardless if she decides to never give you anothe chance - and mean it.

Because if you learn to be a better husband ( even if your wife may have had her own issues in the past) you will lead a better life. Either with your spouse or in a new relationship. If she does help you with pointing out where her needs where not being met, you can of course use that to try to win her back. Anyway use this chance to become a better person and a great catch.

God bless, Happyheart

I have talked to her about us not assuming we know what the other wants and she is opening up a little.

She actually opened up a lot and told me something that has been bothering her for 3 years she says. She has told me that she doesn't have enough money and that I would never listen. (we have seperate bank accounts) She told me tonight that she has been to scared to open up to the fact that she built up a decent amount of debt.

She said that she has seen that my life has changed and that she wants what I have. She said that she is going to get back to church and wants to live the life that she knows she isn't right now and get back to doing the right things. She seems remorseful and all, but she still seems to act as the only way is to do this on her own.

What should I do to make sure I support her and don't cause more problems at this time?