I don't think I'm looking for advice right now (but feel free to give it), I'm currently seeing a counselor. I just need to vent more than anything. I'm dying inside since finding out last week that my wife of 22 years is having an affair with another middle age man like me with three kids.

I found out in the worst way. I knew that she was having an inappropriate relationship with this man (flirty text messages on her phone, sitting together in our car talking - yes I have been spying on her). I confronted her many times. She kept saying there was nothing going on. So I hid my ipod in the car last week and recorded the day. Sure enough, when I listened to it that night, I heard them having sex. Awful!!! To hear my wife respond to another man sexually in a way that she never responded to me is so gut-wrenching! I keep replaying the sounds in my head.

I responded too late to her hints that something was wrong in our marriage. I'm not a bad guy, I'm just very passive and have never learned how to appropriately respond to my wife who has a very dominating personality. I would turn into myself or lash out at her rather than figuring out how to maturely respond to her and meet her unmet needs. Most of our problems stem from what I didn't do rather than what I did do.

By the time I finally started counseling three years ago, her heart was closed tightly and the lock was thrown away. She went to counseling with me for a year. I felt like I made significant changes, but the damage was done. She would not respond to me no matter how hard I tried to reach out to her. She says she doesn't love me, and probably never did. She married me to please her father who really liked me.

This man meets her need for non-judgemental acceptance and conversation - something I always struggled to give her. She knows however, that she has always tried to have that need met by men in inapropriate ways - flirting, dressing inappropriately, etc. She never felt like her dad accepted her the way she is. I personally believe that she needs a man to fill a hole that he will only be able to partially fill.

Where we stand now:
1. She is willing to see a counselor by herself to work on issues that she knows she has. She has no interest in meeting a counselor with me and I am fine with that - not indefinitely though.
2. She has agreed to end the relationship and have no further contact with him although she hasn't yet told him which worries me. She says she knows there is no future with him and doesn't want one. She's afraid that if he exits her life, she will just find another man.
3. She knows in her head that she has hurt me and is sorry, but feels no remorse in her heart towards me. She is extremely angry with me.
4. No one knows except my counselor and a pastor from my church.

I never understood the pain that many of you feel until now. I have a lot of respect for you. Thank you for your amazing courage.

One day at a time!

LC-

Welcome aboard the Good Ship Misery. However, what you will learn over the next few days and weeks is that you can over come that which SHE CREATED.

I enourage you to go into the store on this site and purchase Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. You read them, then she is to read them.

Next, you will learn not only from these books and articles on this website but from everyone who will follow me that there is an exact set of procedures to be followed that will, in more case than not, result in a better marriage.

First, she is to end any and all contact with this a-hole. This is to come in the form of a letter telling this guy that she regrets every minute and it meant nothing and was a mistake and never to contact her in any way. YOU are to approve it and mail it.

Next, you and her together are to expose this affair to family (yes, your kids), friends, and anyone in position to help keep her on the straight and narrow. This one is usually a bone of contention with newbies but aint no way to get around it.

Then, you are to have all her contact info changed: cell phone, email addys, facebook page closed, etc. All new passwords are to be given to you. You are to diligently watch for any slip ups.

My friend, there is much more to do but you can start here.

Be strong and know YOU HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS. She let someone not you to meet some needs.

Keep us posted on the exposure.

The first thing you need to do is expose her affair to your kids, family and friends. Also expose to the other mans family and friend s
Where did she meet him?

By the way, yours was not the worst way to find out. My wife's boyfriend secretly video'd her servicing him and his wife found the videos on an older cell.

Feel better?

I want to clarify something.
You expose without her.
Mike posted to expose WITH her but this is a do it yourself project.

I sat with my wife and called her mother and brother. She called her friends.

My mother was at my house when dday happened. She witnessed it. As did our kids.

But, technically I guess youre correct.

Thanks Mike & Jedi. I know this will eventually have to come out. I'm prepared to tell family and friends that need to know. The issue is 1. My wife and I are very public figures in our community and church 2. The other man's wife is emotionally unstable and won't hesitate to tell the world. This could literally be known by 500 people within a week. I just have to really think this through with my counselor.

Well, I'm sorry you have to be here, but happy you're HERE.

Have you ever fought the addiction of your wife to anything as strong as the strongest drug? No? Okay then, do us all a service and start by understanding that you know NOTHING of how to fight, and possibly win, this fight.

Getting right to it, here are the bullet points you made, with some editorial comments that you need to hear:

1. She is willing to see a counselor by herself to work on issues that she knows she has. She wants to pay money to a person whose livelihood depends on making her feel good about decisions she has already made. Whorishly reinforcing illicit behavior does not redeem it - it just makes it easier to continue. She has no interest in meeting a counselor with me and I am fine with that - not indefinitely though. You should NOT be fine with this - she's diverting attention from the only issue that matters - she screwed another man.
2. She has agreed to end the relationship She's lying. and have no further contact with him although she hasn't yet told him which worries me. And you know she's lying. She says she knows there is no future with him and doesn't want one. She's afraid that if he exits her life, she will just find another man. She's threatening you: "Let me have my one boy-toy, or I'll start giving it away to many other men."
3. She knows in her head that she has hurt me and is sorry, but feels no remorse in her heart towards me. She is extremely angry with me. Trust me when I tell you that if she's ANGRY now, she's going to be off-the-charts LIVID when you do what must be done.
4. No one knows except my counselor and a pastor from my church. Annnnnnd, we have reached the tipping point. Here's your game-plan (I've crossed out parts you don't need):

NEVERGUESSED'S BETRAYED HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. ("Eblaster" can cover #4 as well.)
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take "personal" calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and "on" whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife's contacts, to the tune of: "I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333"
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM's contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.

The folks that have the "stones" to follow this plan have a shot at winning. The others.....

Dont go there, dude.

Do as I say, please.

You are going to hear this in no uncertain terms about marriage builders: the person who developed it has a particular set of steps for post infidelity recovery garnered from the counseling and study of 1000s of couples. Your counselor has not.

Im going to warn you to hang on for what's about to unfold here on your thread.

This program works. Thats the bottom line. You came here for a reason.

And, be a man. Toughen up. Take care of yourself. Go to a Dr. and get the once over. If your negged out ask the Dr. about Anti depressants and anti anxiety medication.

If you dont excercise, start.

If you do, do more.

You marriage stinks like mine did like all of ours did, today is your luckiest day. You found the way to a better one.

What makes you say this?

The other man's wife is emotionally unstable and won't hesitate to tell the world. This could literally be known by 500 people within a week.

Dude, if this is true, you were born under a lucky star, on a bed of shamrocks!

The best way to virtually guarantee this guy stops humping your wife is for this woman to know.

I have no doubt given that her husband is sneaking around with your wife while gaslighting his betrayed wife at home.

What a mean thing to say about the second victim here who has no idea of the real reason for the unhappiness in her home.

Icrc, Your are getting very good advice. Right now your wife sees you as weak and not caring about your marriage. You would rather let her resume "dating" this guy or another without anyone knowing. Keeping this all a secret lets it continue and tells your wife you're afraid of people finding out. You have nothing to feel bad about, she does. When you expose, hopefully those 500 people that respect marriage, will change her mind about what others think of her auto hook-ups. You also bring it to HIS wife's attention. The story of her mental well being are probibly so OM can get tail vs reality. Your wife most likely told OM stories about you too.
Right now you have to get your exposure letter ready. Get your list ready and strike all at once. Let everyone know that would be suportive. Call your wife's parents in person and yours too. The OMW should be called if you can. She may want to know when the car activity happened so she will see you are telling the truth. The added benifit of exposure is it throws cold water on this OM and most likely any others. You need to take the wheel of this bus.
dan

He will throw your wife under the bus when his own betrayed wife finds out.


Why continue to do the same thing for years when it doesn't work?


You need to learn how to start meeting her needs. Today.



Again, why keep spending loads of money on something that doesn't work?


This is all typical fogbabble meant to manipulate and distract you from interfering in her affair.



Exposure is your most powerful weapon in killing the "fantasy" of the affair. Affairs THRIVE on secrecy and keeping it a secret only enables it.



MB can teach you how to rebuild the trust and romantic love. You need to kill the affair first. Don't fool yourself lcrc...this affair is not over.

If your WW claims to have a need for non-judgmental acceptance...that is silly. She wants a spouse to accept anything and everything she does? That's called being a doormat.

BR, as long as she can dismiss any worries about her BH taking her to task, whatever loony-tunes "need" a potential WW would concoct would be satisfied by a POSOM willing to feign the supply to score a piece of strange tail.

Are you listening, lcrc?

lcrc,

In my experience the OMW is "crazy" because the OM has driven her that way by having one affair after another.

It's much more likely that OMW is a good person who is only able to endure the OM because of her basic decency.

The OMW sees constant evidence, but because OM is a "good liar" he keeps deflecting all questions.

This was my MIL who was driven crazy by my FILs constant girl friends and lying, ending up with my FIL have a second secret family. Almost everyone knew, but everyone just allowed the lie to get bigger and bigger.

Do the OMW a favor and let her know the truth about her life.

God Bless
Gamma

"This man meets her need for non-judgemental acceptance and conversation - something I always struggled to give her. "

I don't think she would have been non-judgemental or accepting if you had been the one cheating. I will bet OM's attitude would change if he was exposed for the dirt he is.

See how accepting your social/church group is. Expose.
dan

I know. I was pointing out to OP that if his WW says this to him, that he shouldn't believe this silliness and sign up for being a doormat. Some BSs actually fall for this.