The rubber band snapping is good even if you don't put $ in a jar.

Alternatively you could also pluck and eyebrow hair every time

WHAT? Jedi, are you drinking?

You buy something nice when you fill up a jar. That way you get stuff, and there's an actual benefit.

6877,

This wasn't a small break. This was the grand canyon of Plan B breaks.

Look what seeing him has done to you? What actions has he done to show you he wants to recover?

What are you going to do to?

Your right BH, is was the grand canyon of breaks. He was at the house again when I got home last night. Crying, saying he would do anything to make this right. He would have another wedding for us, blah, blah, blah. To please give him some time to get his stuff together before I file. He said that he broke all contact with Elvis and that he would call her in front of me if that's what I wanted. I could have all his passwords and that he would give me a key to his apartment and that I could stop over at anytime un announced to check up on him. He begged for the SAA book that he knows I've been reading. Again I told him his words mean absolutely nothing. I gave him the book and then I gave him the website. I told him to read the book and that he must post on her for guidance and that instead of paying for a stupid wedding he could pay for either the online program or phone counseling.

Hold your horses there!

This is unraveling quickly, and I'd urge you take a huge step back from this guy right now. Priscilla is nowhere near ready and is only at your door because Elvis is, seemingly, out of commission for the time being.

MB principles are that anyone can change and you can have measures in place to hold spouses acountible etc

But I assure you that there are eligible men in the world, in your state, in your town that do not have affairs 4 months into a marriage.

He chooses to be very selfish and uncaring.
If he knocks on the door again don't answer it, go in the room and call a girlfriend to talk to. If he doesn't leave after 30 minutes call the police.

If he is there when you come home keep driving

So, I thought I would update for those of you who are helping me, or at least so I keep posting and don't lose myself.

My WH is home right now, he has been home for over a week. We spend all our time together, I have all passwords, and he has begun to read SAA and he has agreed to coach with Steve.

I also wrote into the radio show and they read my email on the show which he did listen to. They did give me a little hope for us both although I am very aware that it is up to him to stay faithful.

This week has been very hard. He is going through withdrawal and is miserable. He is wanting to leave and go back to apartment at times but I also think he knows what I say is true, about the statistics of them working, about how he is miserable when I'm not there. I'm not trying to coach or train him, I'm trying to give him facts and then sit silently as he considers it all. Last night I had to work till 11:00, when I got home he had packed up all his stuff but was on the couch in his pajamas waiting for me to come home and watch tv. I guess he thought I was going to freak out and get mad and yell, but I didn't, I sat down and we talked. He said he was sad and depressed and he hates everyone. He doesn't know if he'll ever be the same and he misses her but he loves being home with me too. I sat so calmly repeating in my head that I MUST be the lighthouse for him. Basically he is waying the options, he wants to know for sure if he leaves me that him and OW will be happy. What's getting him is he knows I'm digging for information and facts so he knows when I tell him something that it's true, even if he doesn't want to believe it. He said, maybe me and OW are in the 5% who make it. He thinks that they would have a fresh start and trust would already be there instead of him working for it. I just calmly said that I will always be there in their minds, I am part of who they are, otherwise when I do leave as I have and gone dark, they both wouldn't come after me like two addicts looking for their dealer. That he still has to dig out with all family and friends and it will be worse, b/c he won't be standing by my side. He knows I'm right, he's just looking for any loop hole to confirm that they will be happy together.

Also, he did start reading SAA, and he got so frustrated while reading. I think he was triggering from reading about Jon and Sue. I agreed to wait a couple of weeks and we will begin again. It is not an option for us not to work this program.

We live paycheck to paycheck so calling Steve will be a charge straight to my credit card and I've read the first time should be a double session??

On a good note, I signed up for classes at a local community college. I've been wanting to for more than 10 years. This seems like the right time to start even if we don't make it.

He also thanked me when we went to bed for talking to him, talking it through with him. It was what he needed. It feels much better to be calm then to be crazy, even though the later is easier to do. I would've been calm even if he was sitting there ready to leave.

Sorry for the rambling.

Did he write a NC letter? Do you have spyware on everything? You're gone until 11pm and he was all packed? This screams of contact.

It's his actions you must see.

The NC letter is non-negotiable.

Is he on ADs?

Wow. Just, wow.

You would have done well telling him to hit door since he's already got his stuff packed.

Were you, seriously, discussing with him whether you or OW would be the better fit?



No, 6877. He does not get to "get frustrated" and put everything on hold.

This clown hasn't hit rock bottom and coddling while he's worrying about whether to go see OW isn't going to cut it.

Sorry, 6877, but this sounds premature. I'd tell Priscilla to get the hell out the very next time he mopes around pining the loss of OW.

Yes, he sent her a text message. Her number is blocked so she couldn't reply, but that's what he said happened. He told me that he said he was sorry. I know he was reaching out to her hoping she would make the next move.

So yesterday I sat down with him and told him that the rule was for him to come home was that he live with me and give up his apartment. He can't have one foot out the door while we are trying to work on things. He said he didn't want to go b/c he knows what route I will take by blocking him from my life(plan B). But again he was unwilling to ACTUALLY move in and work the program so I just told him he had to leave and he did.

He was the one who wanted to come home. He was the one on his knees. It took about 5 days before he really started getting depressed and changing his mind on everything. I don't know what will happen from here. He's blocked from everything and he knows what he would have to do to come home. I was fooled AGAIN!

The no contact letter has never been written and your right, it's non-negotiable.

He is not on AD's. I told him that maybe he should get on some while he goes through this and he flat out said no. It's almost like he hates it that I know what's happening.

My only thing is that I know if I made the appointment with SH, he would talk to him. Do I still do that, even though I'm trying to go back to plan B? Is me setting up the appointment and him talking better than waiting for him to do it, b/c he won't but he would talk if I set it up. Isn't that something?

What he is doing is what so many other WH's do on here: the bare minimum required to return to the status quo.

You can certainly set up the appointment and then go to Plan B at the same time. You could note in your Plan B letter that you've scheduled him an appointment--a sort of parting gift, perhaps.

Your absolutely right NW, he wants to do the bare minimum. He said he already knows how to make someone feel special, he doesn't need a book to do it, ha ha!!!!

I was discussing who is better for him. I thought I was doing right by not freaking out.

Priscilla is a perfect name for him.

What I meant was that by talking about her with him you're giving her validity and making it such that she matters and is worthy of talking about. It's as though talking about which person he should choose is even a rational question or an acceptable topic of conversation to begin with. You engaging in a conversation about her should be akin to talking about maggot infestations in the brain while you're eating spaghetti dinner in a classy Italian restaurant.

So, and my advice is worth what you paid for it , I'd proceed as though OW is a complete POS hardly worthy of your thoughts. That she should apologize to the world for wasting the planet's oxygen by breathing. That if your husband thinks that he can find better elsewhere, then go for it, bub, 'cause you aren't going to be anybody's "Plan B" (for lack of a better term) and sure as hell aren't going to sit there on the couch and console him while he goes all Bambi-doe-eyes on you.

And you did fine by not freaking out. It's pretty easy to tell someone to go cry a river elsewhere while maintaining civility.

Continue/re-start Plan B and let him go be sad someplace else. And that's my soapbox!

If you live paycheck to paycheck, i would not call the coaching center.
You were doing well.
But you never did do an actual plan B.

Do you want to be a parole officer for your husband your whole life?
This guy is just plain bad news.
You really need to go talk to an individual counselor and figure out why you feel you need him.

6877,

If he will not do is required to recover, the NC letter, then please get into a proper Plan B.

This is going to hurt your health and sanity. What can we do to help you get into a dark Plan B?

I'm in plan B now. Just 2 days in though. I do have an IM so that's all in place. My weakness is always when he comes to the house, I realize now that I have to just ignore the door. He has nothing in this house anymore so no reason for him to need to come in. Fortunately I feel more in control in plan B, sad and hurting, but in control. We've just been down this road 3 times now, I don't know what it's going to take?? I'll just keep moving forward, even on bad days

Letting him in the house is not plan B, no. That part will be the hardest to overcome.

No I do not want to be a parole officer for the rest of my life. I do believe somewhere in there is a good man, if he chooses to take the right path he might still have a wife, if he doesn't, he won't have a wife anymore at some point.

I'm over individual counseling. I've gotten more on my feet since the day I came across this website than any of the 3 counselors me and my husband went to see, and yes I saw all of them individually as well. I can already tell you why I hold on so strong to something that obviously isn't working. Hashing it out isn't going to help me anymore. I already know that my dad wasn't ever really around and I was raised to believe you stay in it during the bad to get to the good. Obviously my mind has taken all of that waaayy to far. I don't need to talk about my relationship with my WH anymore. All I need is to watch his actions, write on this board when I need to, and just keep plodding ahead with my reading and my life.

Reading other people's threads help keep me sane.

You changed the locks, correct?