Overstepped Boundaries or ?

Hello Board. �Looking for advice and possible clarity, have been struggling and feeling confused lately. �Wondering if I am completely off target or if I have reason to worry.

Three years ago last month, a text message arrived at 11:38pm from a female coworker of my H. �His phone happened to be at the side of our bed that evening, we were on the verge of a rather large snowstorm and were watching the storm updates on the news. �Hearing the text arrive, I questioned who the heck that could be at that hour, only to find out it was his co-worker asking "How the storm was looking in his 'hood?"

Now prior to this text, I must admit, my H and I were not as connected as we should have been or had previously been. �Work, home, kids, and just life, were keeping us busy and ultimately in our separate worlds. �Our worlds would meet and we would reconnect, but then old habits would seep back in. �I definitely felt lonely and know I was not helping our marriage situation, we were in a rut, just getting through what needed to be done each day. �At that point in time, we had been married 23 years with four very busy children.

My H had a huge job change two years prior to the late night text arrival. �This was a wonderful move for him, I fully supported this move and was completely thrilled for him. He was leaving his prior workplace, over 20 years with that company. �I have always been interested in his job and enjoy hearing what he the different projects he is working on, etc... Not sure how or exactly when, but overtime at his new job, I did notice he was talking about and working directly with a particular female coworker. �Their positions, although completely different, do intersect and coordinate on projects. �I must admit feeling unsure, I would ask him questions purposely to try to figure things out and listen to what he had to say about this coworker. �I believe he figured out that I was bothered by his interaction, thus began to stop mentioning her in his work conversations. �Of course, this action made me even more bothered and suspicious of their work relationship. �Fast forward a couple months prior to the text message arrival, I was feeling very insecure and quite unsure about this woman. �I knew they were friends and my H was not being completely forthcoming with me, leaving her name out when chatting about meetings, travel, etc... �In fact, unless I directly asked about her, there was no mention of her name. (travel: no overnight travel, day flights, city car travel only)

I have no reason or evidence to believe there was any physical contact, or even inappropriate behavior, aside from her late night text. I know that there was a definite work friendship and work connection (go to person). There was censorship and omission on my H's part with discussions regarding work and this woman. �Obviously, she felt comfortable enough with him to text him outside of work at 11:30pm.

A few days after the text message, I did ultimately work myself up into a frenzy of worry and confronted him directly about her. Flat out asked him if he was involved with her, this was tough and very emotional for me, I was a complete mess. �He adamantly denied any affair or feelings for her. �He very much consoled me and comforted me long into the night, answered any and all questions. �Afterwards, my emotions were on edge for a month or so, my H was very receptive to me and concerned about our marriage. �He worked hard and went out of his way to help me feel secure. We did not seek outside help, although he was very open to it. �Things settled down and I began to secure again with him.

Fast forward again to the present, old feelings have triggered regarding this coworker. �Things triggered due to H's upcoming company Christmas Party discussion. �I do not want to go, H is okay with it, but would really like us to go. �This conversation brought up his coworker, whom he now does not enjoy working with, he tells me her feelings are mutual. �He does not respect her work or how she treats his direct employees, she has been disrespectful towards my H. �He has told me this quite a few times over the past couple of years. Since we were talking about her directly, I chose to ask him if he ever confronted her regarding her late night text. �He told me he did, said he asked her why she texted him that evening, something about the storm and going in to work, he was not her boss... �I asked him if he told her I had read the text and questioned him, he said he did not. �I asked him what she said after he questioned her, he says he cannot remember. �Hard for me to believe he cannot remember what her response was, after-all, this ordeal had a huge impact on our marriage. All of this just reopened a huge can of worms and I am again questioning what went on between them. �I find it interesting they dislike each other now. �He has since changed the way he relates to her, no traveling, no text, no non-work communication �during work, �etc... �He does admit he crossed boundaries of work friendship with her, but absolutely denies any Emotional Affair and gets upset that I even think or question such a thing of him. �I am questioning myself and wondering if I am blowing things up and sabotaging our marriage? �H is a good man, great father, not sure if he just misstepped with this coworker and has since rectified things. �He does want our marriage and have no doubt he loves me. �

Am I stirring the pot?

In what ways? MB insists on total transparency.



If he's being totally transparent then yes. There need to be boundaries/rules in place in order to move forward. Dr. Harley recommends not dwelling on the past.

Mr. Alias, Thank you for your response.

H makes an effort to touch base with me during the workday and calls to chat on his way home from work. �Definitely more connection and intimacy between us�now than before. �We also have a couple of driving kids now, so there is less "divide and conquer" time between us regarding kid activities, we spend much more time with each other during weeknights at home, running kids around, or waiting to pick them up.

H has given me passwords to his work cell phone and laptop. �I did not ask, he offered. �Phone comes home every night, his laptop usually stays in his car. �Phone has access to work email. �Honestly, I do not check, but they are there.

snowmom,

Welcome to MB. We hope you stick around and read. Are you familiar with Dr. Harley and the Marriage Builder's concepts? Have you taken the tour starting with the Basic Concepts? If not click the link above and start reading.

What snooping tools do you have in place?

Why aren't you checking his laptop?

Does he still work with the Woman who was texting him?

Please read. Are "Friends" a Threat to your Marriage?

From what you write, I would say it's possible there was an emotional affair that's over now, and your husband wants to put it behind him and work on your marriage. But his unwillingness to be open and honest about it is harming your relationship. He thinks he's protecting you but instead the suspicion is eating away at you. You would both be able to deal with it, learn from your mistakes and grow closer if he would confess what really happened. But this is a big step for him and he is resisting, hoping you'll just stop asking about it.
" I asked him what she said after he questioned her, he says he cannot remember." You are very right to be suspicious, of course he'd remember, given the importance of it. Such vagueness is a big clue. If there was something going on and they were texting all along, then he wouldn't have even questioned her.
I would get Dr. Harley's books (HNHN and LB), read them together and do the questionnaires. Pay special attention to the importance of being open and honest. There's also lots written about it on the website. You could also listen to MB Radio together. Hearing other people's stories really helped my husband to learn how typical his situation was, how holding back was harming us, and to finally open up. Search the archives for segments dealing with the importance of honesty.

You should consider going to the Christmas party. You can look fabulous and can strongly (and visibly) establish yourself as HIS lovely wife. You can observe how your H interacts with female co-workers and get a sense of any women you may have to slap a bit for overstepping boundaries. KWIM?

Hi snowmom.

You have not healed if this is still triggering you after 3 years. That is what will ultimately sabotage your marriage or at least your own personal fulfillment in the marriage. I think there was a poster recently who was haunted by doubt 30 years later.

Have you thought about e-mailing the show?

Mr. Alias, BrainHurts, black_raven, pokerface, thank you all for taking time to post.

Mr. Alias, I have read and reread Basic Concepts, very insightful. After reading these, I feel we are heading down the right road, but definitely could implement his concepts more formally.

Brainhurts, I did check his phone and email, prior to and a long time after the late night text arrived. �I eventually stopped due to a couple reasons: �I was not finding any text messages, phone calls, or personal emails connecting the two of them. The only emails I found were group business emails that multiple workers were copied on. �I found checking his phone created tremendous anxiety within me and perpetuated feelings of mistrust. �I was confident behaviors had changed and ready to let go and move on. � Yes, he does still work with the woman who sent the late night text.

Itsmeagain, Thank you for your words and advice. �I will look into reading the books you suggested. �You are correct that his actions of protecting me, actually stir things up and eat me away.

Black_raven, your comments made me smile, thank you. �I have never met this woman and really do not want to put a "face" on her at this moment in time. �I know this may sound crazy, cannot explain it, just my gut feeling.�

Pokerface, �You are correct, I realized this past weekend that I have not healed and it scares me. �I think this is why I took the leap of faith and posted my story here. �I am feeling very exposed by posting, a bit scared to read the advice that may come my way. �But, I am determined and hopeful to make my marriage stronger. �I truly believe my H feels and wants the same. I have not thought about emailing the show, did not know that was available. I have not listened to the program, thank you for the suggestion, I may check into it.

I think your DH may have gotten a bit too close to "the line", but now he has stepped back and has appropriate boundaries. He contacts you during work, he has changed how he travels with this person, etc. So he is truly doing what he should now. I woould say that you are holding on to this too long...Yes perhaps he was getting close to an emotional affair, but now he is doing the right thing. You cannot keep punishing him. You have the right to ask questions, butyou can't keep bashing it to death.

That being said, you should not look at he Party as "a place where that woman will be also", but as a chance to establish yourself as DH's fabulous wife.

I found this in the MB radio link:


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Sounds like fear and conflict avoidance...neither will help you. The best thing that you can do IMO is make your presence known as well as be an observer. YOU can see and hear what is going on...first hand knowledge is best. I hope you reconsider.