I'm new here but am seeking some advise on how to deal with my girlfriend of nearly two years. This is a long distance relationship by the way. We are both mature people.


Some background:
I am very open with my girlfriend. I enjoy communicating with her. I tell her how I feel or what I'm thinking and have rarely held anything back, nor kept secrets from her. I believe I have a fairly well developed skill with communication and try to make it meaningful and respectful.

I have a good sense about people and can read them well. In the case of my girlfriend, I have told her what she felt, at times, before she knew it herself.

She has been through a lot with past relationships; abuse, both physical and emotional and has often felt like she cannot trust anyone. I understand why she feels the way she does and have gone to great lengths to help her trust again. She knows how I have strived to that end, but I find she still exhibits a lot of suspicion and times of mistrust, though unfounded.

I accept that her view of men is not the best, though she very much wants and needs me in her life, as I do her. I also accept and understand the dynamic of the abuse she faced and how it has impacted the way in which she responds to men in general and to me, specifically.

She has health issues which I know of. Some of them she has been unwilling to share with me. She knows I am very concerned about her health and have done everything I can to help her with them.

For the past 6 months or so, she has resisted discussions about our relationship or issues we have. I try to be thoughtful in how I talk with her. On many ocassions she simply doesn't talk at all, or when she does respond, she changes the subject quickly to small talk. When I ask her about her thoughts or feelings about what we were discussing, she says she doesn't know.

I have talked to her about why she doesn't feel she can be open with me, again, she does not know. If she does respond she states that if I knew what she had been through, I would understand. Yet, I do know what she has been through and have supported her in every way I know how to.

I guess my question is, is there something I can do to bring her out from behind the wall that looms between us?

Thank you in advance for any comments or suggestions. JV

Hi JV

How often do you see one another?

How old are both of you?

Welcome to MB.

Thank you for your responce black_raven and for the welcome.

We have not met face to face yet.

I am 55, she is 40.

You consider her your girlfriend of two yrs and have never met?

ETA: Please explain. I don't understand this.

Sounds like you are in a two year internet romance (?). I know you say that you know her very well, but maybe that is exactly the problem - you think you know her, but you never even met her, so all you know is what she told you. Maybe she realizes that you in fact do not know her? Two years is a very long time to maintain a romance with someone you have not even met...

AGG

You can get out from behind the wall of the computer screen for a start.

There are so many red flags here that it is untrue. You have never met her and don't know that she is who she says she is.

No wonder she won't answer questions about your relationship. She probably isn't the woman you think she is. She's probably a 6' footballer called Eric.

Have you ever given her money?

I've seen this in Internet / Mobile phone games.
I play a mobile game and players sometimes communicate strategies in palringo clan/ army chat rooms.
Sometimes players form emotional attachments with each other. Although nobody knows each other.

How did you meet? Is the scenerio something like what I described?

This is my guess. Some people love to con the vulnerable and/or lonely.

I met her on a chat site but we talk thru yahoo voice everyday. We have seen each other's pictures and done some web cam...nothing major, just to see each other.

Have you done a background check on her?

SugarCane asks a good question: have you ever given her money?

Dr. Harley has some Q&A's for problems that people have run into after having met on the internet. You might find these helpful:

Internet Marriage Letter #1
Internet Marriage Letter #2
Internet Marriate Letter #3

no I have not given her money