1 year (almost exactly) out from second discovery. no contact has been in place since the second discovery and my former CS is remorseful and dealing with all the [censored] up things from childhood and family that got us to this point.

I'm still married but frankly miserable. I made the decision to stay for my kids. I grew up in a broken family and really don't want that for them, regardless of what that means for me. I also don't want to hurt my CS. Ironic, huh.

I honestly don't believe how I feel about my CS will ever get better. Our marriage is dead and I go through the motions. I respond with "I love yous" just because I don't want to deal with the hassle of explaining how I feel. I have sex more for the relief than the intimate connection. I'm lonely but I look forward to my time at work and hanging out in my social circle. I look at my CS with disgust and indignity.

This really sucks. I don't believe marriages can recover from infidelity. I know some people say they "go on to have better marriages". I just don't believe it in my heart of hearts. Once something like this happens it's over. And the decision to stay is based more on external factors than (kids, financial, fear of being alone, etc) than the marriage itself.

Anyway, sorry for the negativity. It's just been a [censored] few weeks and I had to get this off my chest.

Welcome to MB.

What does CS mean? Are you married?

MB does not advocate marriage at all costs.

RE: Staying "for the kids"

I was one of those who grew up in an unhappy marriage. My parents divorced when I was 26. My mother told me that she was unhappy for a long time but stayed "for us". Do you know horrible it is to be blamed for a parent's lifetime of miserable marriage? Because when you "stay for the kids", that is what you are doing. You are saying "it is YOUR FAULT that we live in a home of lies, no love, and why I am unhappy every day", because you would have left if the kids didn't exist.

Just a thought. Because kids are not dumb, they know their parents are not in love. And they learn that this is normal and repeat the cycle.

CS = cheating spouse and still married. And thanks for the welcome.

Thanks.

Are you the BW (betrayed wife) or BH?

How long married? How many kids and ages?

Acronyms and Abbreviations

I understand that it's not good for kids to be in an unhappy home but that's not really the case with us. We do fun stuff, go through the motions of being a family at dinner, vacations, co-parenting, etc. We are good together as parents. I am just not happy and don't see that changing. I've had a few happy days but in general that's not the case. I miss being "in love" and being excited to share my day, accomplishments and plans with someone I am fully connected to. That's gone.

Also, I would never tell my kids that I only stayed for them. I would not want them to bear that responsibility. If anything, I've learned that each is responsible for their own happiness and I have tried to teach that to my kids. I'm just weighing the cost to them against my perfect happiness, whatever that means.

I guess when I used the term "miserable" that implied something far worse than what it actually is. The fact of the matter, it's just a life without deep passionate love and connection.

Your WS should be providing you with Just Compensation vs dealing with all the effed upness of who knows what. To a WS, dealing with real and/or imaginary past grievances in not going to help you, him/her or your marriage. I'd be miserable too...your kids may be as well.

You are right that most marriages don't recover from infidelity. And that is because they don't follow these steps. There are many, many people here that have better marriages after than before because we followed these steps. Your marriage will not get better and your feelings won't change via fairy magic dust; you have to actually do the work. You will get out of your marriage what you put into it.

I would add that feelings are not truth when you say that you don't believe it can be done. Your "heart" does not have the ability to give you accurate factual data about marital recovery. You are looking in the wrong places for answers.

Who had the affair? You or your wife? What has been done to repair the marriage?

BUT... you don't have to live like that. That is your choice.

I did not have the affair.

So you're saying that my marriage is only what I put into it? Because I've poured more into my marriage and recovery from all this crap than I have almost anything else in my life. We've spent thousands of dollars on therapy (both individual and marriage). We've spent hours talking. We have tried to reconnect, etc, etc.

The reality is once this happens, there is no going back. I get it that people can be happy, I just don't see that all else being equal (with positive changes that a cheating spouse makes) that a marriage could be as good had the affair never happened.

This may be naive for me to say, but I don't think my spouse would ever do this again. The amount of remorse that has been shown is frankly humbling. So for me it's not a trust issue. It's simply an issue of connection and love. That was destroyed.

Are you the husband or wife? How long have you been married?

Ages of your kids?

Are you the husband or wife?

Are you interested in following the MB program? Because MB does not advocate marriage at all costs.

Have you tried Marriage Builders? It is completely different than any other program.


The reality is that there is way to make it much better AFTER the affair than before. I am talking reality here.


Remorse does not protect a marriage. Creating extraordinary precautions to prevent another affair does. Creating the romantic love in the marriage is the next step in recovery.

Are you the husband or wife?

Having ignored the question, this poster is likely a spouse in a same-sex relationship.

Have you posted here before, SIU, and if so, under what name?

You are being naive.

I don't really see how it's relevant, but I am the husband and my kids are tweens. I have posted on another board in the past but my wife also was posting there and I wanted a place where I could have a sounding board without having to explain my posts.

We have to know some basic facts in order to help you. Are you married?

I once described what you and I are going through as eating a poop sandwich everyday for life.

Sure, I didnt want to leave my kids and be a part time father. Their mother's shortcoming wasnt their fault.

And, despite what anyone says, we hold the get out of jail card forever. When I drop my youngest off at college a short 7 years, I could simply point my car west and keep going. And, whats even more ridiculous was while I was being ignored by my wife during her LTA, I used to dream of that scenario.

So what to do? I can stew forever for the abandonment and subsequent realization she was cheating on me. I could forever go through the details of her affair and increase my blood pressure and anxiety and live completely miserable. I could be a nasty F-er to her and challenge her to ask ME for a D. I could make our home life sucky for all of us.

Or, I could take her at face value and accept her sorrow for what she has done. I could let her make me whole. I could let her soothe me when Im angered. I could let her show me that despite its length, the A meant nothing to her. I could let fulfill her promise to make our bedroom life better than its ever been. I could let her be the wife she knows she can be. I can help her recover from a real bad thing.

I chose the latter option.

We are a stronger couple today. We dont speak of the A. We dont speak of him or his family. We act like it was ancient history. I took the opportunity to lay out things I want. I wanted a partner in the finances of the home. I wanted a sexual revolution from her. I wanted her to be more open with her feelings. I wanted her to stop "taking" verbal abuse from her family or anyone. I wanted to her to have self esteem, self value, self confidence all of which were at zero during her A.

I promised stuff too. I promised to get my career kickstarted after a lull. I promised to take her out more. And, I promised to get myself into better shape.

Its only because she has lived up to her obligations and then some that we are together today. Is your wife living up to hers?

Gender can matter. I suspected you were male because betrayed husbands tend to be less willing to admit their gender, perhaps it is a pride issue.

You'll see a lot of different reasons why people feel entitled to adultery but one thing that wayward wives do more often than wayward husbands is to romanticize their affair so much that they completely fall out of love with their husbands and make plans to separate/replace them with their new lover. It is really not uncommon around here to see women introducing their boyfriend to the kids as a "friend" and so on... wayward husbands can do this too but they are also more likely to go for sex-based affairs and don't necessarily seek a mother replacement.

So, if you continue to accept the conditions of living in an unhappy marriage and going through the motions, you may very well expect for this broken home to happen anyways, except at your mercy, and not because you made a stand for what was right. It's your choice, but I don't think you necessarily have the upper hand that you think you do.

MB is a specific program and as you can see from multiple signatures, there are people here who were in your position who HAVE recovered. I should point out that people here are willing to help you if you are interested in the program, but it's not really the place to rant that nothing will work and that you are just going to accept status quo. You can, but people will move on to help those who actually want change.