I'd add that your merely asking her where you should stay is very much a loaded question. But you already know that or you wouldn't be asking.

Guilt trips and loaded questions tend to piss people off.

Northwood8900,

You are right. I will do that starting tonight. I will just assume that I'm going to my buddies. The only thing is that if I just get up and start getting ready to leave that she might be mad also. I don't want her to think its a power move. Like I'm trying to get her to cave in and beg me to stay. I am definitively willing to try it.

IS their a better way to approach it?

KISS

NeverGuessed,

I will do what Northwood8900 has suggested. I will assume that I am not staying and I will say goodbye and get ready to leave. I will leave without hesitation unless she asks me not to. I am just worried that she thinks I'm pulling away from her or she takes it the wrong way. Any advise on how I should leave? I don't want it to feel cold.

KISS

Pretend that you're at a friend's party, that it's getting late, the host is starting to bag the trash and that it's time to go home.

Alright, looks like it's getting late so I'm going to head on back now. I had a good time, maybe we can try to meet for lunch sometime this week, talk to you later.

Any advise on how I should leave?

Dude, you already have all the experience you need, and a spitload more than any of us can offer!

You COURTED her at one time, right? You went out of your way to be considerate of her desires and feelings. You were attentive to every nuance and inflection.

DO...IT...AGAIN!

I concur

Here's the show of the call from kiss.

Radio clip of the call from kiss
Segment #2
Segment #3

bump

BrainHurts,

Thanks for the clips. I will listen to them tonight. I have been anxious to here it again.

THANKS,
KISS

Last night I had a conversation with RQ. She questioned me if I was doing enough to help her recovery. She said that she needs a plan for recovery. I have done all of Dr. Harley's things for recovery. The affair was ended March 5t. We sent the letter to the OW. I have put my EP's in place and I live them everyday. I put 100 percent into meeting her emotional needs( she said that I'm doing this well). I make sure I'm posting on my thread everyday and I will finish reading Surviving An Affair today. I also listen to the radio show everyday. We discuss how we are doing everyday so I can get feedback and adjust if needed. I have stopped being defensive, I avoid being disrespectful and their are no angery outbursts.

I told RQ that their is no plan for recovery besides the things we are doing. She said that the flashbacks and painful memories are very difficult for her. I told her that Dr. Harley said that with that it just takes time and she needs to change her mind set and think of the future and try not to keep jumping back to the past. I unfortunitly their isn't any amjic potion. She jokingly asked if I could find one.

Is their anything I'm not doing or something I could change to help her? Please give guidance.

THANKS,
KISS

BrainHurts,

The clips of my radio show helps a lot. I have relisten to it again and It helps me understand that I need to have patiance. It's going to be baby steps. I have to go slow. I can't have the exspectation of going at recovery at 100 miles per hour. I need to know when the car needs to go forward and when I need to let off the gas and let the car slow to a turtles crawl. I have not become defensive and have learned to control my excitement when discussing any kind of issue with RQ. The book surviving An Affair has been a huge help also.

I just bought Fall In Love Stay In Love on audio CD. I am going to start listening to it today on my way to work.

KISS

Boy kiss, wouldn't it be ashame if your false recovery and lack of previous actions killed whatever was left of her feelings for you? So sad.

Okay, dude, enough navel-gazing. No more talk.

What did you do TODAY to show RQ that you are on your way to being a worthwhile use of this planet's oxygen? Did you

- wash her car?
- send her flowers?
- clean the gutters?
- write a note to her family apologizing again?
- go to church?

These are things that do not have to be done in her presence. Do something like them every day.

List out, by number, the things you are doing and then we can give some guidance.


There are things you can do!

One is called soothing....

You need to come up with some ways to help sooth your wife, not just deliver a DJ that she needs to change her mindset....

Does RQ know that you viewed porn a couple months ago?

I listened to your radio clips...you told Dr H you did nothing to warrant RQ calling the police and requesting an OOP. If that is true, has RQ dropped the OOP?

From HPB's EP thread:

I didn't answer because (a) I was shocked you didn't know what this was after being here for so long and (b) I wanted to see if you would take the initiative to find this out yourself and tell us what, if any, issues you have had/are having with it.

So?

Kiss, you have over 100 pages of advice. Have you re-read your thread, writing notes with all of the things that people suggested to you to do? Also, I am extremely SHOCKED that you haven't finished reading SAA.

Write out every thing that you do every day to meet RQ's ENs. It may very well be that you aren't actually meeting the ENs in the most effective ways.

Before you start any of that, how much UA time are you spending with RQ?

Just to give you the benefit of my distasteful experience, BR, in the pig's rectum that is the legal process in NY, an OOP is not "droppable" at the sole discretion of the initial requester. It requires a hearing before a judge, with an ADA present.

I'd give you the background on how I came to discover that, but someone will scream, "Who cares?" If you want that story, let me know, and I'll attach it to my thread in Other Topics.

NeverGuessed,

Today all I did was things we discussed last night. I posted and what im trying to do is ask queations when posting so i get more feedback and it gets me more questions back so it keeps me posting more. I finished reading Surviving an affair. I listened to the radio show. I also started listening to the audio book how to fall in love and stay in love. I had to work today from 1 to midnight so i am going to do somethings tomorrow for RQ. As i am off. Then friday we are going to spend the day together shopping and having fun.


KISS

Black_raven,

Yes she does know that i did. We did discuss it a couple of weeks ago. I discussed it being talked about on my thread and the reaction of everyone. We talked about it being something I added to my list of EP's as i wanted to make sure that i put together complete list as HerPapaBear said in his EP thread. She said that she would hold me to it.


She said that she sent a letter to the court requesting the oop to be dropped. We havent heard anything yet.

KISS