Why hasn't your husband cut off all contact with her? Your husband does not need "professional help" to get rid of her. He needs to cut her off. It is not complicated to do. If your husband refuses to end his affair, then Dr Harley would recommend that you separate from your husband. All of these labels are cute to say but don't address the situation in any meaningful way. They are a distraction and an excuse to take action.

I will tell you that if you continue to allow yourself to be exposed to this abusive situation, that you will suffer emotional and physical harm. This is how women end up with nervous breakdowns. Really, there is absolutely no excuse to live like this.

Your husband does not need "professional help" to get rid of her.

The only "professional help" he might need could be a "legal professional" to have issued whatever passes for a restraining order Down Under, and thereafter "law enforcement professionals" to deal with her if she chooses to break it!

Meanwhile, I'm still trying not to laugh about an ex-prostitute now claiming to suffer from PTSD!

Why do you cling to a toxic relationship?

*OW turns out to be mentally ill with Borderline Personality Disorder
*OW also has complex post traumatic stress disorder from her many years as a prostitute!
*he was diagnosed as Aspergers
*I have been diagnosed as Neurotypical.

Congratulations. You have developed a system of thinking which works for you. You are 'healthy & normal' while the others in this sick triangle are ill. If your husband coped better with this situation, you would no longer be superior.

Allow me to translate:


You are not working on "marriage stuff" because you do not want to. That is the only reason. All of us, every one of us, does what we do because we get some sort of pay-off. If you really wanted things to be different, you would be fighting FOR change, not fighting to maintain the status quo.

I am not being critical of you for this. I actually understand this very well. It reminds me of how I chose to behave when my husband was an active alcoholic. I too was 'polite' and made all the important decisions while he was disabled. As a matter of fact, it was much more difficult for me once my husband became sober and wanted to participate in the decision-making (POJA). I, like yourself, enjoyed the superior-martyrdome status.

When you categorize your husband as too ill, you avoid POJA. I 'get it'.

I simply want you to recognize your role in keeping things "as-is".

Please read.
Conflict Avoidance is the kiss of death

What does Dr. Harley recommend you do in situations like yours?

Have you checked into Dr. Harley's free daily radio show? I find he often covers more complicated situations on his show that may not be addressed directly by the books or articles. As Dr. Harley mentions in one article:


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7100_counselor.html

Dr. Harley ran a large chain of mental health clinics for years so he has literally seen almost everything: mental disorders, addictions, situations requiring hospitalization or medication, depression, vocational counseling issues, affairs, anger management, etc. He is a great storehouse of solution information. If you listen to his show you can listen for what he recommends for people in your situation. Here are the links to the show:

Show webpage:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

Show archives (paid):
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/

Hi Brainhurts,
Thank you for replying. As I said above, this is curly. The direct answer is no. The reason is that he is being advised how to deal with her condition, having an abrupt ending doesnt work with these people, only makes them keener or they suicide. As I said, not much anyone on this forum can do, we are dealing with severe mental illness. The upside is that he is home and dealing with her, more settled, with support from two mental health professionals.
All I can do is just hang in. Am rereading the books and applying what I can to the situation now, in order to be ready for a recovery when she has moved on. She is also having counselling about it.
The upside about this is that he has been severely burned emotionally, and if we can resurrect a marriage I wont have to worry about any other affairs after this!! (Lots of other things to cope with with AS of course but that seems minor now).
We are also getting along much better than we ever have, he talks to me a lot now about his feelings and so on.
As I said, I just came on to the board to let you know how I was doing, I'm not expecting anyone to solve anything for me, this is mental health stuff.

Sera, you are in deep denial, my dear. unfortunately you are being played and are actively enabling an affair. There is no excuse for allowing an OW to countinue to assault your marriage like this. You and your husband are not responsible for her mental health. But you are responsible for your own marriage. Why you have abandoned that responsibility is mystifying.

An abrupt ending most certainly does work with these people. It works if you and your husband remove yourselves from the situation. Your husband in using this as an excuse to continue his affair. With your permission. I am sorry that you choose to live like this.

Has he written and sent a no contact letter?
Have you two thought about moving?
Have him change his phone number to avoid texts and phone contact.

Have you thought about, discussed, and implemented ways to ensure no contact with her? If not, you are allowing the OW to kill you by a thousand cuts plus one.
If she truly is mental, a restraining order seems appropriate.
Really, there's no way that either you or your husband should know one thing about what's going on with her. There is no obligation to "help" her, not even to keep her from committing suicide. Call her bluff and CUT HER OFF!

What sort of mental health professionals are these?

I've worked in mental health crisis and emergency services (policing), I can tell you that a restraining order is absolutely the remedy for a person who you suspect is mentally ill and threatening suicide to keep contact with a person. MENTAL ILLNESS IS NOT AN EXCUSE TO HOLD PEOPLE HOSTAGE.

Suicide is a very common tactic thrown out by people who won't let go. Do you know what real suicidal people do? They kill themselves no matter what. I'm guessing these mental health professionals have no experience dealing with people using suicide to manipulate and certainly do not know the true background of the situation.

Either these "professionals" are desperate to cover their butts from any lawsuit or your husband is not telling you the entire story. I suspect both.

Your husband could end this TODAY by filing a restraining order but chooses not to. You seem to have accepted this. I'm sorry you are holding your life hostage by two people playing games but that is your choice.

What happens if he picks up a prostitute and gets arrested?
Will the police say, Well he's mentally Ill so we just let them have sex?
No! They arrest him and he is still responsible for breaking the law.

Using your philosophy, you may as well invite the woman to live with you

I see you have chosen to completely ignore my suggestion that you find out what Dr. Harley, a mental health professional, recommends for this situation. I have heard him discuss this kind of situation before and I know what he recommends, but it appears you aren't going to read my posts or listen to me, so I can only hope you'll check out his stuff and find out what he recommends. You won't find it in the Marriage Builders books alone, but thankfully the rest of the resources are free.

There is help for your situation, but not if you won't help yourself and keep whining that noone can help you. My sympathy goes way down in such cases and I probably won't help much more if that's all you intend to do, other than to point out to others that this is how people get stuck and choose not to make their situations better.

Serandame, I have no expertise in personality disorders, but agree with the advice you have received to save your marriage from infidelity. AS maybe one of the issues you face and I am not minimising the associated issues, but it is not the reason your WH had the A. There is a very narrow path to recovery from an A and ensuring your renewed M is affair proofed.

Why don't you at the very least email Dr Harley for his advice. He can give you expert advice to help save your marriage. He has 40+ years experience with addictions, mental health/personality disorders and infidelity. He is the best person to seek advice from as he has had success counselling in all these areas as opposed to someone who only counsels for personality disorders. He can help recover your marriage and help your WH.

Once you receive that advice, you could post here for support to implement his advice.

ok it is over a year later. I have survived. She is finally out of the picture. He is recovering from PTSD. I have made a lot of new friends during this crisis period, as I went out deliberately to meet new people, and experience new things, to take my mind off focussing exclusively on the affair and aftermath. I let him sort it all out and sort himself out, while I sought a new life for me, more expanded than I had been used to.

I stopped focussing on him and us, and focussed on me and that felt great. In fact, it is so good, I don't think I will change it. I have joined Toastmasters and am having fun there. I go kayaking regularly. I am learning Latin dance. I have renovated parts of the house and am enjoying getting to my garden again, after I neglected it. I have gone to church after a break of 40 years, and find I enjoy it now, and I like many of the people I have met there. Many have become friends.

I no longer expect or want him to fulfil many of my needs. That may change if he gets completely well, but I am not counting on that. PTSD is always there waiting to rear its ugly head with an unexpected trigger. He had it years ago but had settled it down, but this episode set it off again. He also has the aftermath of shingles hit him with the slightest stress.

But... we are starting to do things together again, like playing golf, and visiting family, and playing with our dogs. Life is not perfect, the relationship is not perfect, but it is pretty good all things considering. We talk and we don't fight, although things get strained sometimes. When I think of the bombshell that hit my life, when he left, I never thought we would be this far back together. I thought it was finished but finding this site, buying and reading the books, gave me hope and a plan. I worked on ridding myself of love busters, although it was hard at first identifying them. I have worked on trying to find out, then fulfil, some of his needs. I can see more clearly what they are from reading the books, but there is much more work to be done there. Baby steps.

Thanks to everyone who has commented and given me advice. I did consider carefully every thing that was said to me. I saved my home and home life by not giving in to despair although I felt like it many many times. I have done a lot of crying, a lot of praying, a lot of walking by the sea, a lot of reading. I have grown. I think my daily exercise habit of walking the dogs, has kept me sane.
Every day I say the Serenity Prayer to myself.
God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. God Bless.

I am so sorry it hasn't worked out, serenadame.

You have not recovered your marriage. But you have developed an independent lifestyle that will further drive a wedge in your marriage.

Independent behavior is a love buster.
Spending time in recreational activities away from the spouse depletes the love bank.

I'm sorry that he has not come around. Has he been introduced to Marriage Builders? Would he be willing to start a thread?