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#2689007 12/07/12 03:45 PM
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My husband and I have been together for 18 years married 11 of them. We have 8 children together. The end of October (while I was still pregnant w/ our 8th child) he admitted to me that he has been talking to a woman at work and that they have kissed on several occasions.
He said he was going to leave and move in with her, that he can't take the stress of our money issues. Our house is currently in foreclosure we have a mediation appointment in a couple weeks and one of our vans was repo'd he's also been sued for a furniture payment and has several past due credit cards. We consulted a bankruptcy lawyer in june who told us to stop all the payments (only the house was behind at that point). Around July I was put on pelvic rest from my ob and the stress of the house, 7 other kids and everything caused him and I to drift apart he said he thought we were over, well around that time he started training this woman at work.
She is 11 years older and supposedly going through a divorce herself because her husband is gay. She has 2 grown sons 1 of whom is autistic and still lives with her.
He confided in her our problems and she told him he could move in with her when her divorce was final or her husband moved out. He said he still loves me but wants to try something new and different.
He promised while I was pregnant that he would not continue the relationship and he told her that I want to work things out she told him she understood but would be heartbroken. I am not sure if he kept that promise or is still seeing her, I do know that if he is as of now it is only at work, he comes home for lunch and really does't go anywhere by himself when he's off and on the weekends.
I spoke to a coworker and friend of his who he respects a lot and he told me that he couldn't see Joe leaving me and his family over this woman. He said everyone knows how she is and kind of laughed, I'm not really sure what that means. Everyone who knows him says they can't imagine him leaving me and the kids but no one would have ever thought he would do this.
So know I have a million questions and desicions here.
Right now the only thing I know for sure is that I do want my marriage to work, but how do I know if he wants that when he is acting like a jerk? He's been even more distant since the baby has been born.
Do I confront this woman?
If things do work out between us how does that affect his job? This job is perfect for him in that it is a couple minutes from our house so gas costs are minimal the nearest he can find something with comparable pay is about a 30 minute drive.
Do I take the kids and leave? I have been a sahm for almost our entire marriage and any job I get will not be enough to support us.
If anyone who has any advice or been in a situation similar to this has any advice I would appreciate it!

jct94 #2689010 12/07/12 03:50 PM
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Originally Posted by jct94
My husband and I have been together for 18 years married 11 of them. We have 8 children together. The end of October (while I was still pregnant w/ our 8th child) he admitted to me that he has been talking to a woman at work and that they have kissed on several occasions.
He said he was going to leave and move in with her, that he can't take the stress of our money issues. Our house is currently in foreclosure we have a mediation appointment in a couple weeks and one of our vans was repo'd he's also been sued for a furniture payment and has several past due credit cards. We consulted a bankruptcy lawyer in june who told us to stop all the payments (only the house was behind at that point). Around July I was put on pelvic rest from my ob and the stress of the house, 7 other kids and everything caused him and I to drift apart he said he thought we were over, well around that time he started training this woman at work.
She is 11 years older and supposedly going through a divorce herself because her husband is gay. She has 2 grown sons 1 of whom is autistic and still lives with her.
He confided in her our problems and she told him he could move in with her when her divorce was final or her husband moved out. He said he still loves me but wants to try something new and different.
He promised while I was pregnant that he would not continue the relationship and he told her that I want to work things out she told him she understood but would be heartbroken. I am not sure if he kept that promise or is still seeing her, I do know that if he is as of now it is only at work, he comes home for lunch and really does't go anywhere by himself when he's off and on the weekends.
I spoke to a coworker and friend of his who he respects a lot and he told me that he couldn't see Joe leaving me and his family over this woman. He said everyone knows how she is and kind of laughed, I'm not really sure what that means. Everyone who knows him says they can't imagine him leaving me and the kids but no one would have ever thought he would do this.
So know I have a million questions and desicions here.
Right now the only thing I know for sure is that I do want my marriage to work, but how do I know if he wants that when he is acting like a jerk? He's been even more distant since the baby has been born.
Do I confront this woman?
If things do work out between us how does that affect his job? This job is perfect for him in that it is a couple minutes from our house so gas costs are minimal the nearest he can find something with comparable pay is about a 30 minute drive.
Do I take the kids and leave? I have been a sahm for almost our entire marriage and any job I get will not be enough to support us.
If anyone who has any advice or been in a situation similar to this has any advice I would appreciate it!
Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Please read this.
Exposure 101


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Everyone knows now, except his workplace and her family. Do I expose to his workplace? I don't know anything other than her 1st name to get info on who she is and contacting her family. I contacted a pi but the one who guaranteed they could get the info want $500, I don't have that money and my husband won't give me any more info on her, I have told him hat if he won't I will go to another coworker of his who I think will tell me, that didn't make him happy, but I will do it if I have to after I am cleared by the dr to drive.

jct94 #2689058 12/07/12 06:31 PM
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Yes, you DO expose to his workplace.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
jct94 #2689059 12/07/12 06:35 PM
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Originally Posted by jct94
Everyone knows now, except his workplace and her family. Do I expose to his workplace? I don't know anything other than her 1st name to get info on who she is and contacting her family. I contacted a pi but the one who guaranteed they could get the info want $500, I don't have that money and my husband won't give me any more info on her, I have told him hat if he won't I will go to another coworker of his who I think will tell me, that didn't make him happy, but I will do it if I have to after I am cleared by the dr to drive.
Did you read the exposure thread?

You also need to tell OWH. Him divorcing because he is gay, could be a made up story your WH spun to tell you.

Expose all at once and do not forewarn your WH.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE!!!!!!


Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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Jct94 welcome to MB I am sorry for the pain that brings you here. You will find lots of advice, encouragement and support.

You need to expose to your family, friends, OW family and friends and the workplace. Exposure is important for accountability and providing you with support. It is also a key factor should you recover your marriage. It is important for the truth to be told as your WH & OW will put a spin on your relationship and how theirs began.

A are an addiction and waywards will sacrifice anything of importance to maintain the A. They will re write history and denigrate the BS to justify their A. An A happens when a wayward has poor boundaries and the marriage has not been affair proofed by EPs. There are reasons but never excuses. Your WH A is 100% his responsibilty it is NOT your fault. Some WH will leave their BW others may remain, their pre A behaviour and character is no guarantee which path they will choose.

Readind all the articles on this website will help you can an understanding of MB principles and A. If you read other MBer's threads you will see how similar our stories are and the script waywards seem to follow ... this can be useful when dealing with a wayward.

Try to eat, sleep and look after yourself and your children. Post here anytime you have questions or need support.


Me 46yrs
WH 46yrs "Isildur"
Married: 22yrs 8mths
DS 9yrs;DD 19yrs;DS 21yrs
Bomb drop:marriage not working don't know if ILY 12.11.11
DD:26.11.11
WH moves to OW house 28.11.11
Formal MB Plan A 14.4.12
Plan B 27.4.12
D:20.7.14

"There are moments in life that make us & set the course of who we become. Sometimes they're little & subtle,sometimes they're big & we never saw them coming. No one asks for their life to change, but it does. It's what we do afterwards that counts & we find out who we are."
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I'm reading it now, I'm not sure his work will care as they don't have phones to talk to each other he does have acsess to a computer but he programs from it and she does not have acsess to one.
The kisses from what he told me were after work in the parking lot. There are other couples who work there also, he is a private person though.
I wouldn't be able to keep it from him though because I have to go to his coworker to find out her last name. Even if I don't tell him why he'll know because his friend told me the other guys on his shift had been previously teasing him that she liked him.
In this situation should I go to higher ups or just leave it with this coworker who I know will tell others.

jct94 #2689077 12/07/12 07:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley to a SAHM
"I have not read everything in this thread, but I want to make it clear that I am in favor of exposure of an affair in the workplace when a spouse will not leave the job after or during an affair with a fellow worker. An affair is such an egregious violation of marital trust that ending it trumps employment and even possible legal action. While most companies will cooperate with the betrayed spouse to separate unfaithful employees, some do not. But it's still worth pursuing considering the suffering that affairs cause. And it definitely speeds up the death of an affair.

As for proof regarding an affair, the more you have, the better. But even if you have no absolute proof, but solid circumstantial evidence, a visit to the head of personnel can alert others to be on watch."

Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
here

Workplace exposure letter - be sure and send to 3 key people and cc each on the letter. Good targets would be the Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both affairee's supervisor. This can be sent via registered letter or even via email!

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney--

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,
_________________________


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Sorry if this is long but I really need advice.

WH started talking to a coworker sometime last August/ September (this woman was married but has since divorced, it became final in feb.) He told me in Oct. while I was pregnant w/ our 8th child. He promised he wouldn't see her while I was pregnant, but that I needed to give him time to think right, (yeah right, he was seeing her the whole time).

Baby was born 11/27 by csection (my first surgery) after he was born WH started acting very different, mean and even more distant. I should add that since 6/12 we had not had sex because I was put on pelvic rest.

New years eve we were in the er w/ our newborn who was dx with rsv, on the way home WH started a fight saying you know I am going to live w/ her.(He told me all along that is what he wanted and he would leave 2/5 so he would be there for our childrens bdays).

His behavior got meaner towards me the following week.I was a basket case. I honestly felt like I was going insane constantly wondering if it was o/t h was working or if he was w/ her (he never saw her outside of work time. After work he would go w/ her or talk to her but never on the weekends or before work. I know this for sure because he really never leaves the house without me or the kids and they would have said something)

Jan 5 I wake up around 2 and he's not home. Fridays he hardly ever works o/t. So I decide to go up there. They pull in a few minutes later and we have a HUGE fight. Even after our fight he still tries to get in the van and come home with me. I told him I was done with this and kicked him out.

After a couple weeks he started hinting around that he missed us. He wanted to see the kids a lot and he wanted me there. The schedule he came up with was several(2-4 we live 5 minutes from his work)times a week he wanted to come on his lunch break, it's at 8 our 4 youngest's bedtime is 7:30. Every weekend from 11 or 1 until 8-9, saturday and sunday, and once we got another van (i took the one we had it was actually his, but I needed it for the kids) he wanted to come over some days at 11 and hang out until it was time to go to work. I asked him how I was supposed to move on if he was here all the time, but he didn't get it. He also caled every afternoon to "talk to the kids" but it was usually be he talked to as our oldest were at school and at the time our 2 & 4 year old have limited phone skills.

I honestly saw how it killed him to be away from the kids, I saw him cry because our dd wouldn't speak t him for a long time. I never dated or talked to other men, but I was going to go out with an old friend from high school (a woman & 2 of her friends also woman) and he was convinced I was going on a date his voice choked up and he said please don't let him touch you. I know he cares or did.

So on March 12 he came back home, I wasn't sure if it was a good idea because he was supposed to come home 2/2 but said he needed more time. It was rough at first, then things seemed to be getting better. He doesn't use email or anything just a prepaid phone which I checked and it was always good. He didn't switch jobs, I wanted him to but we do have 8 kids to think about, he was supposed to go on another shift but didn't. She ended up going to 3rd, he works 2cnd so they do overlap.

Several weeks back he started leaving his phone at work, I asked him why and he said it was out of minutes and dead. I called it and it rang, I was under the impression that it would go to vm if was dead or out of minutes.

He also started blaming me for mor A related stuff which he wasn't doing previos, and saying I would never get over this. 2 nights ago we have a huge storm and a tree falls into a house on her street. Of course it is her neighbore house and of course she is the one the news interviews. I was in complete shock, it's really the first time I see her that's not in the dark and is a complete face shot, I taped it and rewinded her segment for 3 hours I watched it over and over trying to figure what she has that I don't. When he came home I was still watching it. We had an argument, I asked him why he wouldn't just put his arm around me and hold when I'm upset, why he's hiding his phone and being defensive. He says his phone is in his workbag go ahead and charge it and look.

So I get it and charge it in the morning. The 1st number is hers they talked for 16 minutes. First he said that it wasn't on the phone, and I was like it's right here, then he said he didn't know how that got there. I made him look me in the eyes (he avoided looking at me before he left and again a few weeks before this happened) and I told him that if he ever cared about he needs to tell me the truth and I will go to his work and question everyone. He finally admitts that they talked at first it was just then, but when I asked how he could give me the phone and let me find out that way he slips that he thought he deleted them all.

So now I find out that since his phone is dead they also are talking at work again. She wants him to move back in and I believe he told her he would, he says that now he can see I won't be able to get over this. I don't honestly feel like he tried at all, and I could have gotten over the affair, honestly it was all the crap that was said and done after that I was having a hard time dealing with. If I thought I couldn't get over it I never would have let him back and put my kids through this again. They were all heartbroken. He knew that to and I don't know how he could put them through this again.

He says he doesn't know if he wants a divorce, is that what I want. I asked him if he still loved me first it was yes, then he didn't know what he felt about anything, then it was anything he says I will use against him (when I kicked him out I told her that just 3 nights ago I asked him if he still loved me and he looked me right in the eye and said yes i still love you) I asked if he tells her he loves her and he looked away so I think he does. I ask him what it is he wants and he doesn't know. How could he really not know??

I spoke to one of OW exh and he told me this is what she does she met him at work while he was married and broke up their marriage and her next Hwas met at work and he was in a relationship to. Why would someone do that, over and over? She knows we have kids WH never wanted them introduced to her, but she knows there are 8 of them whose worlds are being ripped apart because of the 2 of them.

WH and I had a few what I thought were honest talks before he came back and he had critical things to say about OW, I asked if he could see himself w/ her on holidays and he said no it was me he cod see himself with. When he was gone I saw a divorce laywer and even though he was already hinting about coming home, that really made him think more about it.

He always said how uncomfortable he felt over there, and there was never any food, he only had $100 per week and she wanted 50 for bills and rent he left the rest of the money for us.

I know that he will regret it if he does leave, and I know 100% that I want my marriage to recover from this. But how do I get through to him? He is reluctant to change jobs, even before this he was offered the job he has now, making a good deal more than his previous job and he almost didn't take it just so he didn't have to start over.
Do I kick him out? I don't think I could do that to my kids again. I can't live here like this again it is only a matter of time before it starts eating away at me again, but right now he is sure that we aren't going to be able to work past this and that she is the best option.

He's on vacation next week and we are supposed to go camping next week. I told him I don't know if I should go but he should go and take all the kids, he says he'll need my help and I should go to. He needs time to think. The problem with that is his idea of thinking time is still seeing her and me not mentioning any of it.

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Jct94:

I am sorry for the reason you are here. But you are in the right place.

Go to the first entry in the "Surviving an Affair" column, called "READ HERE FIRST - WELCOME ABOARD" read everything there.

Veteran posters will be along shortly to help you.

Keep your posts MUCH shorter. No one has time for a novel.




Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
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Hi jct, did you follow the advice on your previous thread to expose the affair?

The affair should be exposed to everyone. Your next steps should be to ask him to leave and go into Plan B, which is a completely dark separation. Did you get the book Surviving an Affair?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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jct, one of the biggest problems in this scenario is that you are enabling him. It is very hard to save a marriage when you enable your spouse. I would pack his bags, put them on the porch and change your locks. Then send an exposure letter to his workplace like we advised. Expose the affair on their facebook pages, everywhere.

And then send him a Plan B letter telling him to not contact you again until he ends his affair and leaves that job.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I have exposed to everyone except the husband she just divorced. Work included. They pretty much told him they can't control his personal life but to keep it quiet at work. Neither one of them have facebook pages.

Last edited by jct94; 06/28/13 07:52 AM.
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Originally Posted by jct94
I have exposed to everyone except the husband she just divorced. Work included. They pretty much told him they can't control his personal life but to keep it quiet at work. Neither one of them have facebook pages.

So you sent a certified letter to Human Resources and cc'd a key VP and their supervisor? What did they tell YOU??



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I'm not sure what cc'd means but I did send to the president (he's hands on) vp, and their supervisor. Their supervisor tried to have a relationship w/ OW prior to my husband so I was expecting nothing from him, but I heard nothing from any of them.
I know making him leave is the best option, but I don't know if I could do that to the kids again. My 3 yo was 2 at the time and woke crying for his dad every night, he would cry on me for hours sometimes, and sometimes he would sit at the door and cry for him.
Ow drives a very noticeable car a yellow bug, my 6 yo would always be on the lookout for it, at the school drop off we would sometimes see one and she would get so upset. I know this is his doing but how can I watch the pain in my childrens eyes wondering where their daddy is. My older kids know and they understand if i kick him out, but they still hurt to. I know it's going to come to that, but how can I do that to them? How can he? He looked me right in the eye before he came back and said he was 100% sure he wanted to come back, and I believed him.
I do have the book surviving an affair, lovebusters, and another on that I can't remember the name of plus the workbook.

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jct94,

you have to expose wide and far, everyone and then you have to give your husband a choice all contact stops or you are out of his life ...........if he won't stop kick him out and go to plan B a dark one. You are enabling this to go on and as long as you do he can have both lives together at the same time both women. You need to go dark, no contact at all he needs to know what it is going to be like without you filling any of his needs, the best way to end the affair is for them to both see each other a 100 percent having to fill every need for the other, it will blow the fantasy out of the water, he will have to quit his job as well, no contact with the OW forever.
Listen to MelodyLane she can walk you through this every step of the way, if you want to save this it is a narrow road to recovery.
please listen


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
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Originally Posted by jct94
I know making him leave is the best option, but I don't know if I could do that to the kids again. My 3 yo was 2 at the time and woke crying for his dad every night, he would cry on me for hours sometimes, and sometimes he would sit at the door and cry for him.

Plan B is your best option because living with your abusive husband will destroy your mental and physical health. You are probably already experiencing health problems because of it. And you are all your children have. Their father has essentially left the marriage. Where would your children go if you have a nervous breakdown? It is not in ANYONE's best interest for your husband to remain in the home while he carries on his affair, especially your children.

I would get his bags packed, call the locksmith and put him out. Once he is moved out, you can give him a Plan B letter telling him to not contact you until he has ended his affair and left that job.

Do this for your children. And be sure and tell them all it is because of their dad's affair and the pain it causes you. Allowing him to hang around while having his affair hurts you ALL.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Oh believe me I will listen. I followed bits and pieces from several sources last time and I know that I need to follow it exactly this time. Should I re expose? His work knows that he has come back home? He told me the day I found out not to go to his work, that everything was starting to blow over. Family knows again, and we have no friends to tell. He has 1 friend at work that I would expose to also, but there is no one else.
Also when I kick him out and go plan b should I do it right away or wait until he gets paid next week so I can make sure to get money.

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Originally Posted by jct94
Oh believe me I will listen. I followed bits and pieces from several sources last time and I know that I need to follow it exactly this time. Should I re expose? His work knows that he has come back home? He told me the day I found out not to go to his work, that everything was starting to blow over. Family knows again, and we have no friends to tell. He has 1 friend at work that I would expose to also, but there is no one else.
Also when I kick him out and go plan b should I do it right away or wait until he gets paid next week so I can make sure to get money.

I would inform his workplace that the affair is active again. As part of your plan b letter, you should work out a visitation schedule with child exchanges at someone elses home. [your parents?] Also stipulate that your children are not to be exposed to his affair. He would have to continue to pay your bills, so make arrangements for him to deposit a certain amount each week in your account. If you don't think he will do that, then you need to hire an attorney and get an agreement in place. He can't just stop supporting his family.

here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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