Ok been on here for a few years. I was fighting for my marriage but om almost ready to throw in the towel. I feel so defeated, I just dont want to try anymore.

My wife and I went through hnhr in the summer and I did my best to fullfil her needs. This was very one sided and we seemed to fizzle out. We do have lb, but havent done it. I feel that my lb might have been interfering with my attempts at filling her lb.

So my q is should we start with lb instead? what tips do you have for someone who has many mnay things to work on? Me:-)

What are the problems in the marriage? Any affairs?

No affairs. Just busy. Wife teaches zumba classes everynight m-f. Very tough to have anytime toghter as we have to kids 6 and 2. At night it is crazy, wf gets home, get kids to bed then she needs to wind down, doest want any affection/sf.
I get up for work at 5 so need to be alseep by 10. Wife up till 11. She is a staay at home mom as well.

ryguy,

Priority #1 has to be time for Undivided Attention. And that time needs to be used to fulfill your spouse's top ENs.

How many hours a week do you spend on UA?

I would start with UA time AND eliminating lovebusters. I would get the book, Five Steps to Romantic Love and jump to the section on UA time. Tear out the worksheet and start scheduling your UA time right away. That will make the most dramatic improvement in the FASTEST TIME. In fact, Dr Harley says his program does not work without this step.

At the same time you are doing this, I would really focus on the first 5 chapters of Lovebusters to ensure you have eliminated any lovebusters.

If that doesn't work in a few weeks, I would go PRO and get phone coaching from Dr Chalmers or Steve Harley. When do it yourself doesnt work after a couple of weeks it is time to admit defeat and hire a pro.

A couple of weeks or 9 years ... either way. Depends on your level of love for insanity.

Thats the problem. My wife teaches every day except friday.night and sat. We love.spending time togethr. However, the dates dont go well. She is stressed that she has to meet my needs. So ua time ends up being a stressful affair. She admits our sf is not there but it isnt on her list and doesnt care or try to be better. It leads us to fighting and non affection

It takes one to know one, I didn't really get it until I had been here for 6 years. I was a little slow on the uptake!

Does she tell you it isn't on her list, she doesn't care or care to try to be better?

Mel, that is hilarious. I didn't remember that about you. Makes it even more funny after all these years chatting and you pulling out the bat.

That is where I would start then. Focus on getting in 20-25 hours of UA time per week. Order the book and show her the program. She stands to really benefit from this if you do it right.

The reason she doesn't want to have SF is because she is emotionally detached from you. If you would schedule the UA time she would fall back in love and she would feel like it again. But since you are not spending enough time together you can't possibly be in love. She probably cringes at the thought of SF right now. The UA time will change that.

My DH and I had a huge fight in the produce section of the grocery store when we were learning the POJA in 2007! Dr Harley even mentions it on his radio show some times....as a bad example!

ryguy,

If you and your wife love to spend time together then this is the perfect program for the both of you. It'll teach you to optimize your time together. So I would definitely suggest you ask your wife if she'd like to try one of the program options.

Getting into a program will help you get back on track meeting your W's ENs and eliminating those LBs. Again optimizing your time together. This may be something that lost a little traction lately?

It'll help you when you implement the POJA. You will work together to find a win/win. It's there somewhere. You just need to learn how to negotiate effectively.

I'll help you when you implement the PORH. It'll give your W the freedom to safely communicate all of your LBs. FYI if she's done that already then you need to get busy ... There is NO TOLERANCE rule for LoveBusters.

My W and I just started doing phone counseling with Dr. Chalmers about 4 weeks ago. I've been on this site for (ahem) a lot of years trying to do this program on my own and it just hasn't worked.

I like the counseling because it's a neutral party coaching us through the process. We do the program because it's what we want for ourselves not because I'm pressuring her or trying to teach her. We're learning together. We're a team now.

All she has said it is not a need for her but knows it is a,need for me. She doesnt care to meet it as it isnt high on her list

The reason she doesn't care to meet it is because she is emotionally detached from you. Even though it is typically not a top need for women, they do enjoy SF with men with whom they are emotionally attached. Women need 2 things to enjoy sex: an emotional attachment and the prospect of enjoyment. You can achieve the emotional attachment via UA time. You learn to satisfy her when you both use the radical honesty and she teaches you what she enjoys.

Have you read this article? The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage?

I agree with everything you all said. But it is almost impossible to get 24 hours of ua. We have 2 kids and like I said my wife teach every evening. With the kids it.is almlst.impossible to get 15 let alone 20+. I have 5-7 a week of.possible time, and wife.wants to wind down , after teaching and watching the kid all day. Any suggestion on how to get the time needed? Ive suggested dates on the weekend but we also want to see the kids too. I just cant seee how we get there.

I would start by shifting your priorities since they are all on the WRONG THINGS. Plan your time FIRST and then find time for the less important things like childcare and teaching.

She should be "winding down" WITH YOU, not somewhere outside of the home. The best portion of her day should be with you, not without you.

I would spend that time she devotes to teaching out on DATES with her. Hire a babysitter and go out.

How many hours a week does your wife teach class?

Here.
The Critical Importance of Undivided Attention

1 hour per night. here is our typical night. I get home small talk she leaves 5-10 minutes later. Comes home we get kids to bed. She is tired as she teaches 1-3 classes a day.

What are some ideas for ua time in an 1h to 1.5h while at home when kids sleeping