Is this how you view your wife? I ask because your view of her will color every single interaction you have with her.

This comes across as contemptuous. All the more so since she was actually married.

I see some progress that is actually a little encouraging, and then other comments, some directed at posters and a few even at your beleaguered BW, that show some very foundational changes you need to make.

waiting.....

Scotland,


I am going by our sesions wih steve harley. He said that it was any time that we could spend alone together and give us a chance to talk or focus on each of us. Steve said as long as its something that you like doing it counts.

KISS

As long as it allows you to meet the four intimate ENs and you are ALONE while doing it, not with children, friends, etc. DrH has stated that going to the movies, and watching TV doesn't count, because you aren't focused on each other. As I stated, it's not about just being in the same room.

So, what does the UA schedule look like for this week? How many hours are you going to get in? Texting, and phone calls can count towards it.

A call about Your spouse should be your favorite RC.

Radio clip about Your Spouse Being Your Favorite RC

Our UA time this week:
Monday: 2 hrs played games started to watch MB video
Tuesday: 3 hrs went to diner and shopping
Wednesday: family time went to city
Thursday: 1 hr wrapping presents talking
Friday: 4 hrs shopping and diner
Saturday: 2 hrs going out to breakfast
Sunday: 3 hrs MB video and alone time

This week is tough because we had Wednesday with the family all day and Saturday I work 11 am till 10 pm. Then Sunday I work 9 am till 8 pm. RQ has off on weekends and that's when we get the most time together.

KISS

Good, now please answer my question of a few days ago -
What precise actions are you taking to directly address RQ's key ENs?

NeverGuessed,

I answered this question to Scotland on page 103 along with her top EN's.

COPIED FROM PAGE 103:

Things I have been doing to meet RQ EN's:


Conversation

1-Calling her at least twice a day when we are working

2-making sure to engage in conversation when I first get home about her day

3-ask her questions to stimulate conversation about her favorite subjects

4-make conversation about us and how we are doing. (especially how I am doing meeting her needs and expectations)

5-Texting her throughout the day when we are at work


Honesty and Openness

1-making sure that when ever she has questions give her the 100 percent truth

2- Let her know what I am thinking and feeling

3- letting her know where I am and what I am doing every moment.


Affection

1-always hold her and kiss her

2- message her every night (feet, back, legs, what ever she wants)

3-hold her when ever I get a chance

4-stop her in the mall or where ever we are just to let her know how much I love her and give her a kiss

5-always hold her hand

6-bring her coffee at work


Admiration

1-bring her flowers

2-stop her from what ever she is doing to let her know how great she is(great mom and wife)

3-let her know constantly how beautiful I KNOW she is.


Domestic Support

1-take care of the dishes

2-clean the kitchen

3-clean up after the kids

4-help her make diner

5-call everyday or night on my way home to see what we need from the store

6-help with laundry

KISS

I have a question. I have been working on trying to be a perfect husband. I have been trying to do what ever it takes to make RQ happy and make that the number one priority. Every decision I make i think of her first and how it affects her.

So her best friend is here from Georgia. She hasn't seen her probably in about 5 years. So RQ told me a week ago that she was going to meet up with her witch I thought was great. So a couple of days ago she tells me that when I get home on Saturday night from work that she is going to be going out to a bar with her friend. She never asked me about it or what I thought about her going.

I have not brought it up at all and I do not want her to feel bad about wanting to see her friend. I am just upset that we went through my EP's I put on their that I would not go out with my friends without her. Or maybe if they where going shopping or to diner. I just wish that she gave me an opportunity to offer some kind of say it it.

Should I bring it up or should I let it go? I do have flowers out for here with a letter expressing my love and admiration for her so when she gets home from being out with her friend she will she them.

I will not bring it up until I get feedback.

THANKS

KISS

I realize now how much it sucks being the one at home while your spouse is out with friends. The more I focus on RQ and put her first and reflect back at my decisions in the past I realize that a lot of my decisions was always about what I wanted or what made me happy. RQ was not a priority even though I thought I was a pretty good husband and provided for my family. I may have financially but not emotionally.

I figured I would get the kids to bed and relax and go to sleep early but here it is after 2 am and RQ is still out at a bar and I can't sleep or stop checking to see if she pulled in yet. I wonder if she felt the stress or the uneasy feeling when she was home when I would go out with my friends. Its not a feeling of untrust but an uneasy feeling about the enviroment she is in. I am some what happy that she went out tonight as it kinda put me in her shoes so I could see what I had put her through in the past. I do miss her dearly though.

KISS

The time to discuss her going out has passed....

We must discuss these things BEFORE they occur.

There is no way to POJA after the fact.
Do you understand that the time to complain is prior to the event?
She shared what she wanted to do and you offered no objections.

The reality is POJA occurred..

That being said... Did POJA occur in a good way?

Probably not.

Are you going to get it perfect?

Probably not.

Will it take many, much, practice?

Yes.

A lot!

on a different topic,

EP's are established to eliminate the conditions that led to an affair. They are not ordinary boundaries, they are EXTRAORDINARY PROTECTION.

Did your wife have an affair, or did you?
EP's are there to give her the safety to return to the marriage? They are about Just Compensation!

Do you want her to call or check in with you when she goes out to visit with a friend that comes in town every 5 years? Sure, why not, but you establish these things ahead of time, not after the fact.

I not sure you have anything to bring up, other than asking if she enjoyed her time out.

If she tells you she's going out again in 5 years, you might want to remember to discuss expectations ahead of time, OK..

I object; EPs are put in place to protect not just a Betrayed Spouse, but to protect a MARRIAGE damaged by infidelity. It is not only for just compensation, but to protect the marriage from future infidelity on the part of either spouse.

Object away.....

Healthy Boundaries are what protects a marriage from infidelity.

Extraordinary Boundaries are what a wayward puts in place after demonstrating he/she does'nt have healthy boundaries.

Waywards have affairs because they have NO BOUNDARIES! Therefore EP's are necessary.... Read what Dr. H has to say about EP's.... They are necessary for the wayward to adopt in order for the BS to re-enter the marriage after infidelity has occurred. It's part of Just Compensation.

BS's are always willing to continue to demonstrate healthy boundaries, so EP's aren't really necessary for them.

That being said, many BS will put some of the same EP's in place after an affair.... Not out of necessity, but just out of care & protection....

A lack of boundaries does lead to affairs, no question. However, just because one spouse has an affair does not mean that the betrayed spouse has better boundaries. Sometimes it simply means a betrayed spouse simply lacked the OPPORTUNITY. That, again returns to boundaries and EPs; proper precautions prevent opportunity from being created.

For instance; one baseline EP is for spouses to NEVER have over-night separations. In marriages that involve travel the steadfast rule is that the spouses either travel together, or the travel stops. This distinction does NOT change depending on if the traveler is WS or BS... It remains the same even WITHOUT infidelity. PoJA, RH, and UA are NOT applied unevenly based on just compensation.

Applying these concepts poorly only has one result; a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage.

So you think waywards should demand EP's from their betrayed spouses before moving back home and/or ending their affair?

Of course I know that's not what you're saying, but it's what Kiss may hear if we keep going down that rabbit hole....

I agree that all couples need to live in ways that protect their marriage!

The problem on this thread is, Kiss has had a struggle with his tit for tat attitude.... IMO, He's still struggling with feeling like RQ is being a parole officer, because he now must have EP's. It's as if he wants equal footing.... Kinda like if he were to borrow money and not pay it back, and then still feels entitled and justified about defaulting..... And then wants his credit to be equal with a person that's never defaulted on a loan.... After-all....Anyone is capable of defaulting on a loan if the conditions are right yanno.... So in his opinion, his credit score should be expunged.... or drop everyone else's score down to his level.


Much like Dr. H describes here-----> Can't We Just Forgive and Forget? #1 - Dr. H on EP's and JC




I agree with this above quote 100%, always have.....

Here are a couple more links on establishing EP's after an affair ----> Recovery After an Affair - Dr H on EP's and JC

Surviving an affair article - Dr. H on EP's and JC

He Kiss,

great to see you post to others!

I look at it in the same way I did a few months ago; KISS will either cure himself of his rectocranial inversion, or he will lose his wife permanently.

I'd agree...

It's hard for me to post to other people because I feel comfortable with what I have learned so far but I am in no way an expert. I don't want to mislead or give any wrong info so I am very intimidated on doing so.

Thanks for the feedback.

KISS

I am in no way an expert.

Dude, the only "expert" here would be "Ms 60,000+ Posts" (though she'd probably accept Dr H as her peer)! Oh, dear....

Posting here does not only mean "telling" the readers things. It might also mean asking questions, extending discussions, proposing tactics, offering support.

Are you familiar with "Bloom's Taxonomy"? It represents the intensity of learned content from "Knowledge" through "Evaluation". One does not migrate though the levels without work, and practice.

Welcome to the laboratory, Kiss.