Hi all,

I am hoping to get some advice about my marriage which is seriously on life support if even still alive.

It is my opinion that my wife has basically stopped caring anything about me or our marriage. Basically we both work, me full time her part time and we have a wonderful daughter who is 6 years old.

Basically for the last 4 years since she took this job she has things have been getting worse and worse. It started as a good job to let her work from home to be with our daughter to now having become all encompassing and I mean ALL encompassing. Basically she is working all the time. Now I don�t even mean a normal 40 hr work week I mean I come home she leaves. When we are both home she goes upstairs and lays in bed and talks on her "work phone". Basically I do any cooking that gets done, all the house cleaning, outdoor work, laundry (although she now does her laundry and leaves mine and my daughters). She up in the bedroom on the work phone constantly until 1,2,3 AM most nights either talking or texting. When she has "meetings" she sometimes does not return home until 2am in the morning.
If I say anything at all about the job she goes into orbit. Something along the lines of �well if you made enough to support us then I would not have to work� or �find me another job where I can have this flexibility�. What I don�t understand about this is since our daughter�s birth I have paid about 80-85% of all the bills. Even at the expense of draining my savings. That has not changed as she contributes no more no less to the household bills then she did when she was working 9 hours a week. She just builds her account balance up higher faster. Actually she was never negative on her accounts that have continued going up from day one. She does not need to do what she is doing to make end meet from her end. She could easily do that with a part time job during the day while our daughter is in school and have evenings with us. But if I try to make the point that she does not need to work so much as she is revenue positive I again elicit an angry outburst. The real kicker was when I confronted her by saying �you care more about this job than about us as a family� her angry retort was �I do not care more about the job than about my daughter�.

Now I don't want to have this sound like I am saying I have no culpability in our marriage issues because I do. We actually sleep in separate rooms because I have severe allergies and my sinus issues used to keep her awake so I went to the other room to alleviate some of those issues. Also there has not been a lot of sex going on as I have some issues �down there� and now (well for the last couple years or so) I find no interest in it with all of what has been going on. I also have to admit that I am not an overly outwardly affectionate person and am a bit introverted but I have always been this way.

Basically I feel that she is only staying around because of our daughter and financial considerations. Basically at this point I guess I am feeling the same way. I am just kind of tired and depressed at this point. It just seemed that everything changed with this job when she took it 4 years ago and now that is all she thinks about 24/7. All for a low pay rate and no benefits job? Everyone I talk to about it says there must be more going on that just a job. Any thoughts?

Dad,

Welcome to MB. Sorry you find yourself in this situation.

This is a great place to learn about healthy marriages and what you can do to clean up your side of the street.

Have you read any of the materials found on this website? If not I would encourage you to start with the Basic Concepts link at the top of this page.

You and your wife aren't romantically in love and are going down the path all couples go down when that love is gone. Independent Behavior, you aren't meeting each other's needs, you're doing things that destroy love.

The posters here are going to strongly encourage you to work the program that is defined as part of this site. There will be little help given to you unless you�re are willing to try this proven program. You can implement a plan for your marriage by simply educating yourself here with this free material, implementing its principals from your side of the marriage and then hopefully persuading your wife to join you.

If you like what you read here Dr. Harley has a long list of very helpful books that all follow his simple program (albeit sometimes difficult to implement for newbies). If you fail in doing this alone or on your own as a couple the next recommendation will be to hire the services offered by the Harleys.

So get busy reading and keep posting. You�re not alone and your situation isn�t unique.

Hi Dad. There are certainly many red flags here. The only way you will know for sure if something else is going on is to snoop. Don't confront because she will not tell you if there is something else...and it will alert her to be better at hiding it.

Ruling out an affair would be a good place to start...along with a good plan A.

Thank you for replying to my post. I am going to start looking through that information later today. Thanks again

Dad

She up in the bedroom on the work phone constantly until 1,2,3 AM most nights either talking or texting. When she has "meetings" she sometimes does not return home until 2am in the morning.

Who texts about "business" at 2 am??? There is a very very strong possibility your W is in at least an emotional affair.

Don't confront your W yet, you need to snoop and gather evidence, if you spill the beans now she will just go underground and hide the affair better.

God Bless
Gamma

Dad,

Has she ever said, "I love you but am not in love with you" or some variation on that.

Are most of her texts to one number?

Is she overly protective of her phone or computer?

God Bless
Gamma

Hi Gamma,

Thanks fo the replies. Unfortunantly I have no way to know with whom she is talking or texting as she is using her work i phone. I cant really check on her when she is out till 2 and 3 am supposedly in "work meetings" as I am home and my daughter is in bed so I am stuck. But can anyone tell me of any meetings that go on past 2 in the morning? Especially in retail?

As to the emotional affair aspect I have very strong suspicions about this. Case in point, a month or so back i find out that she and my daughter went with a male coworker to pick up pumpkins, go through a corn maze and have ice cream. All while i was at work. When i fould outthrough my daughter saying something she said oh yeah it was supposed to be a trip to pick up pumpkins for the business but that only that 1 coworker came. When I expressed how pissed i was about it she later actualy appologized. Well 2 weeks later my daughter is telling me about how her mommy and that same co worker went to the mall and then home so she (daughter) could go to the bathroom then to eat and then to do what the supposed work activity was.


Thanks again for the reply

Put a VAR / GPS in her car (easily available at Best Buy, Target, Walmart, etc.) Can you hire a PI?

Also put a VAR in the room where she is sleeping.

The truth about those calls is easy to discover. You could solve this in one night. Hide a voice-activated recorder in the room.

Dad,

Case in point, a month or so back i find out that she and my daughter went with a male coworker to pick up pumpkins, go through a corn maze and have ice cream.

Would you take your child on professional "team building" outing with a co-worker? What do you know about this OM? Is he married, is he her supervisor, etc.

You need to keep your suspicions to yourself for the time being, as you gather evidence as the other posters have advised you to. If you are wrong in your suspicions then no harm, if you are right then you have the cause of your W's distance. Taking a child to see an OM is a way to introduce them to their "new dad".

BTW, no one wants to admit that their spouse is cheating on them, until it is almost too late.

God Bless
Gamma

Soon as I read the first post I could say what everyone else says.

The constant working, the staying out late, the late night texting, the sleeping in a different room, the fun activity with your daughter = at least Emotional Affair

He is not married, is actually a subbordinate and is significantly younger than her (by about 20 yrs).

I do try to keep suspicions hidden as best I can although there was another nice argument just last night about the job before she left for another 5pm till midnight "meeting". I feel it is either an EA full on A or just totally getting self worth from job. But i mean this weeks schedule of
Sunday 5am til 1am monday
Monday 9am till 1pm
Tues 10am till 2pm then 5pm till midninght
Wed 4pm till ?? (at least 10 or 100pm)
Thurs ??
Fri 4pm till ?? (at least 10 or 11pm)
Sat all day, all night (like last sun)

is nuts no?

You need to get some snooping techniques in place. What do you have?

Keylogger, spyware on phone, VAR and GPS? Get this on ASAP.