Hi,

I am a new member. I am a 41 year old female with no children. I recently left my spouse, we have been together 20 years, 10 years we were married. For the past six or so years our relationship deteriorated to the point we did not communicate, no intacy, connection and we both admitted to being lonely. My spouse is a binge drinker. I left and it has been three months. We have since entered marriage counselling but I feel in order for the relationship, if it is salvagable, to proceed at some point. We both need to do some work on ourselves. I am in individual counselling to work on myself but he feels all he needs to do is stop drinking, which he has. He does not feel the need to talk with anyone because he doesn't know what he would talk about. I have spoken with him three times about this, our marriage counsellor has spoken to him as well. I am ready to give him an ultimatum, either go and get the help or we are finished. He refuses any help for his addiction, although he does not consider himself and alcoholic or for the contributing factors that led to the demise of the relationship. During the marriage I had made several attempts to help the marriage but it did not help. Things stayed the same. I would like some feedback on this matter, it would be helpful.

I would skip the counseling since it is a distraction from your real problems, which is a crippled marriage. Why focus on the peeling paint in the girls bathroom when the Titanic is sinking? You don't' need to go to counseling to change the destructive behaviors that are wrecking your marriage.

The basic problem in your marriage is that you have fallen out of love. If you take the steps outlined in this program, you can fall back in love again. We can help you both eliminate the destructive behaviors that led you to this terrible place. And we can show you how to fall in love again.

Counseling is destructive to marriages and will just be a distraction that won't help your marriage.

Check this out: How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

The binge drinking is a serious problem and it is essential that, having stopped it, he does not drink any more.

Others with more experience of alcoholism will be able to tell you whether you should take this any further and insist on AA, or whether his stopping by himself is enough. If you are not living with him, can you be sure he isn't drinking any more?

Is it the goal of both of you to move back together and rebuild your marriage?

I encourage you to attend an AlAnon meeting.

I have gone to more Alanon meetings than I can count.

K.

MB (Dr. Harley) would say that you are fighting an uphill battle until the other person involved commits to quitting the ETOH. There is no marriage recovery with drugs/alcohol; it is more important to the other party than the marriage. Always.

He would also say that you cursed your marriage by living together for some time (up to 10 years from your post although perhaps it was a shorter period). Have you read the article here about living together prior to marriage?

No kids? You're young. Why don't you consider plan B (read about plan B separation here -- it's different than simply separating in the conventional world), and then healing/moving on and then divorcing if nothing changes?

What things are you working on for yourself? In counselling? Have you read about Lovebusters on this site? Have you listened to any of the free radio rebroadcasts from this site? they can be very enlightening.

You know from alanon that you have to keep your side of the street clean (and not be concerned with the other side). MB provides some great tools for looking at yourself and your relationships in a different and Way more healthy way.

Happy reading! Tell us what you think of the material.

opt

Check out this article:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8110_cohabitation.html

You are right, I am not sure he has stopped drinking but this is what he tells the counsellor and I. Since we have separated, he has been visiting with his family three hours away as his Dad took very ill around the same time.

Under the advice of our counsellor and myself, we do insist he go for additional help with an individual counsellor or to AA. Over and above the drinking issue what has caused alot of conflict for us, is everything else. The lack of intimacy, connection, he doesn't know how to communicate. I have been making a 100% effort to try to get this relationship working while I was living with him and I still feel as though I am doing the same thing. He refuses to get any additional help to work on his issues. As I mentioned, I am working with a team of counsellors for my different issues so I can stay/get healthier. I have told him that if there aren't any changes, the relationship will not work. We would just be stepping right back into our old patterns. He doesn't know what he needs to change and wants me to tell him what it is so he can work on it. He refuses to take responsibility for his part in making this work. He is quite selfish but he does not see it. The simple fact that he refuses to even go talk to someone about our marriage breakdown and his contribution to it, is selfish. I am exhausted. If there aren't any changes, there is no way I could go back to the way it was. I started to sink into a depression and found the strength to leave.