Hi, I'm hoping someone can give me some direction on what to do next. I've read His Needs Her Needs and I'm reading Love Busters now. I understand the basic concepts. I'm 49 and have been with my guy for over 3 years now, we live together. We are both divorced. I made it clear early on in the relationship that my personal values do not support living together they support being married. He agreed with this, which is why I initially agreed to live together, I thought we were getting married. Since then he claims he loves me, he cant live without me, etc., but when the subject of marriage comes up, he doesn't say no, just that he is not ready and gives a variety of reasons why. The current and most popular reason is that he wants to make sure his kids are accepting. They are 25 and 29. I have met his son, but not his daughter. His daughter had a tough time accepting his divorce from her mother a few years ago. He said that he needs to repair his relationship with her and his son before he can get married. I totally get this and respect that. The problem is that he makes no effort to fix it. I admit that earlier this year frustration got the better of me and I made some selfish demands about setting a date, etc. He reluctantly agreed to a September 2013 date, but refuses to discuss any wedding plans or make any effort change anything with his kids, etc. So I think I'm getting it, he has changed his mind. A few weeks ago I told him that perhaps it was better that we end the relationship since I was not happy with not being married and he was not happy about the prospect of getting married. He insisted he was fine with getting married, it was just this issue with his kids....yadda yadda....he was very upset about the idea of us breaking up and didn't want that to happen. That he loved me and wanted to marry me but that the time was just not right. He always seems so sincere when he tells me these things, but it seems it is nothing more than empty words with no action behind it. I'd like him to be more open and honest with me, I've told him this. He is insisting he is being honest, but I just dont see how that could possibly be the case. We get along very well and our relationship is good....as long as this issue is not discussed. He says he is a very values driven person, but somehow I cannot find a way to help him understand that his actions are resulting in me being conflicted in my values. I'd like to be able to be open and honest in our communications and find a way for both of us to agree like how its described in Love Busters. But its hard because it seems he is not being honest. I get the feeling that he is stringing me along with the marriage thing because he is afraid that once I figure he is not willing to marry me, that I will move on (which is likely). Any advice is appreciated, I'd really like to have an open and honest communication with him to find a way forward that works for both of us. Ending the relationship is not my first choice (I do love him), but I feel like my values and feelings should count for something. I never tried to fool him, I was very clear in our conversations early on in our relationship about my views on marrriage.

Start here
"Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders is the first book."

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2332882

Dr Harley is very anti living together as it tends to result in just the kind of awkward compromises that you find yourself in.

Your bf does not seem dishonest. On the contrary, he is telling you that his children are more important to him than his relationship with you. Also at this time he not able to resolve his problems with his daughter. Can you live with that?

If you cannot, you need to be honest and tell him so. There is a way for you two to solve this but he has to be willing.

Why did he get divorced?

I'll read that one, thanks.

Yes I did read his views on living together. When I started doing this a couple of years ago, I had no idea who Dr Harley was...

I really appreciate your honest assessment. It's quite possible you are correct about his kids. If he was actually trying to fix things with his kids, I'd understand. Yes, I could live with that for now if he is actually trying to I prove things with his kids. . I also have grown kids (but no issues). The piece I seem to keep getting stuck with is that he talks about it, but he never actually does anything about it. That's why I've started thinking it is just something he is saying to avoid marriage.

That said, I don't know if he is willing or not. If you are correct, then it would make sense that he would be willing. I know I'm willing. What do you suggest?

Thanks!

From what he tells me, they grew apart after the kids grew up.

I think it would be a good idea to split up and start over on a more solid basis. Living together has probably ruined your relationship by turning you both into renters. Living together is a renters agreement. It is ruinous to relationships, because it solidifies a tentative, month to month renters agreement. You can change that, but not by living together. And if you just get married, those poor traits will just be cemented.

Check this out: Living Together Before Marriage: Compatibility Test or Curse?


This is a confusing statement. If your personal values don't support living together, then why would you do that? I don't see how he can be expected to respect your values when you clearly don't.

At the time I believed he was as committed to being married as I was. So, yes I did compromise on my values back then, if that is what you are getting at.

I just saw the rest of your message. Thanks for your honest assessment about living together.

Do you have proof that he is really divorced?

Does he ever travel or spend the nights away from you?

Yes, I know he is divorced. His ex lives in the area. He travels for business, sometimes I go with him, other times I don't. It depends on my work schedule. Honestly I don't believe he is unfaithful.

Mel is right. You have to rebuild this from the ground upwards. Start by reading as much as you can here. You will definitely need to move out. You did not know what you now know about why this was a bad move. Explain to him that you want to do this properly. You can recover from this mistake.

I'm betting he cheated on his XW and his daughter has not forgiven him. Doing this right is the best way to repair things with her and will also set an important example for all your children.

Eventually, if you use Marriage Builders, not only will he get his relationship with his daughter back but you will be first in each other's lives. Your adult children must come second to your relationship with one another.

Thank you for your response. I will take it under consideration.

Atwitsend, if you will get the book Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders, you will find a whole chapter on this issue. It will teach you how to change the dynamics in your relationship. That is IF your boyfriend becomes willing. I know I learned so much from reading that book and I think you would benefit too.

Good luck.

Here you go.
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders