I believe I am in the correct forum area, but there is no saving the marriage at this point, so if it belongs somewhere else let me know. My questions are below and in order of importance. Thanks in advance for any advice or recommendations you all may for me.

1. Should I tell my 4 kids (ages 8-16) that their mother had an affair or not at all � even if they ask?

2. I know what I need to do is move on and focus on my kids and myself and get going on my new normal life � but how does one get through the fact the wife of 20 plus years appears to have no regrets (other than being caught) about her affair with a married man with wife and two kids who is 16 years younger, and states our issue is not about the affair but about her and I and her not loving/caring for me for a long time.

3. Do I tell her affair partner�s wife about the affair?

4. Does telling the guy�s wife affect anything with divorce proceedings?

I will need to give you all some background info. 3 years ago my wife told me in a tearful manner that she loved me but was not in love with me. I asked if she was not in love with me if she was with someone else � she said I swear on kids there is no one else and kept that story even after numerous crazy incidents (hotel weekend that she lied about and I caught her in the lies, sending kids to sitter while I was on business travel and not telling me, out with friends and sitter is at house while I am away, etc.).

I did a lot of research, reading, soul-searching after this all started and my conclusions (along with the marriage counselor) was that she was in some sort of emotional or physical affair. But she urged me to find a marriage counselor and wanted to go marriage counseling to try and get these feelings back. We went for a year and she said all the right things in the sessions � I�m a great husband, father, her best friend, doesn�t want to lose me, will lose her friends, family and will be alone if we do not stay together and could never mention divorce, that she loved me for sticking with her and loving her for her during all this.

Our counselor at one point told her these issues were not about your husband but about her � that if we did not stay together and she found someone else that is complete opposite of me, that in time she would feel the same way about him b/c it is not about him but her issues and she needs to correct or continue in this cycle.

Although what my wife said sounded right her actions were not even close to right. She worked late 3 days a week, went on weekends with girlfriends (found out later it was at hotels with her married lover), did not like sex any more (but she meant sex with me) or even showed physical contact, went on vacations w/kids but asked me not to go, did a few body makeovers (tats, body grooming, etc.) to name a few � Yes I know I was in denial but committed to save the relationship and marriage, lost tons of weight and basically thought this was all my fault.

I know better now that no one is to blame for cheating except the cheater � there were/are many, many other choices to make instead of an affair.

Two months ago I found out she was having an affair with someone in her office who also worked �late� and on weekends. He is married, wife, 2 kids and much younger than she is ... she of course denied it, but finally admitted to affair but that it was just bad judgment on her side, �just� hugs/kisses and no sex. I have text messages, emails, hotel receipts (she always paid and in cash � of course!) I confronted him as well and he said the same thing � no sex, just getting attention they were not getting at home, etc.

She does not want to reconcile and asked for divorce. Her �deal� is 50/50 custody of kids, buys me out and pays me equity of home and she keeps the family home. We told the kids and our families. Older kids do not want to talk about it, with the two boys appearing to be mad at me and the younger ones just want to ask why.

We are nesting and in mediation. She wants out super fast but will take a year in the state we live in � I want it fast now as well and feel I can do it by filing for divorce adultery grounds � everything is upside down � right is wrong, wrong is right � I assume this is typical and it is a matter of time before the new normal sets in and we all recover.

BTW � I found the sight searching for �recovering from infidelity� and result was a post from �NewCreation2011� � posting about being the other women and what an �affairage� will get you down the road. It was illuminating to say the least and thought this was a good place to ask for help.

You have all the power to end your WW's affair in your hands.

1) Take all those texts, emails, etc, put them in a package.
2) Put together a mailing list of everybody of import in your WW's life - family, friends, clergy, coworkers, etc.
3) Put together the same list for POSOM - starting with his WIFE!
4) Write cover letters to your WW's contacts to the effect of "Sorry to bring you tidings like this, but WW has been committing adultery with Mr. Scumbag. I hope to save our marriage, and ask you to interced with WW to end her illicit behavior. Call her at 111-222-3333."
5) Do the same for POSOM.
6) Hit "send" to both packages at once, to the respective lists.
7) Listen for the screaming. Smile. Stay calm.

Welcome to MB.

Read this and come back and tell us your plan.
Exposure 101

I would focus on killing her affair. You might not be able to save the marriage at this point since it has been enabled for so long, but you do have a slim hope if you will expose the affair.

You should not lie to your children or anyone else to help,your wife hide her dark deeds. That helps no one. A child over the age of 4 understands the concept of adultery. Yur children need to know that their family is being destroyed over her selfish affair.

Tell the OMs wife, his parents, his family and friends. If he has Facebook account, you should find all his contacts there. Please read the exposure thread linked in my signature.

Thanks but the affair i believe is over according to her but she wants out and we are already nesting and in mediation for divorce.

I want to tell his wife about it and give her all the emails, text messages, receipts, etc. but do not want to cause damage to any divorce agreements down the road ... she does think she holds all the cards.

Prior to telling the kids a lie "we do not love each other, we do not want to stay married, etc." and not the truth - her girl friends (once our friends) urged me to NOT tell the kids the truth and called her affair lover a scumbag.

I asked them all if he was a scumbag what was she ? - they were to pc to reply. All of them have had affairs and ended their marriages when their husbands found out. I feel like a fool.

I see that you went to a marriage counselor. They are typically destructive to marriages and a disaster when there is an affair.

Did you read the exposure thread?

That is fine, you should expose her affair anyway. Everyone should know. I have no idea what "nesting" means.


Yes, you should give copies to the OMs wife.

"Prior to telling the kids a lie "we do not love each other, we do not want to stay married, etc." and not the truth - her girl friends (once our friends) urged me to NOT tell the kids the truth and called her affair lover a scumbag."

They don't care about your kids or you and their opinion is irrelevant.

I feel like a fool.

So did we all. The salient difference is we here took action to fight the devastation.

But let me ask you a few purposely pointed questions: You asked for, and followed, advice from a bunch of adulteresses whose infidelities destroyed their own marriages, and are surprised it has not helped you situation? Well, how about now that you've asked for, you try following, advice from folks here who successfully recovered and repaired their marriages?

Yes reading exposure now and yes the marriage counseling was ineffective - she was already checked out and her priority was her "excitement and fun" - not marriage, not kids, not husband or family.

Her "true"friends are the ones that share her similar experiences b/c those are the ones she can relate too.

Ok well I am going to tell my kids and share the information with hsi wife. Do I go into details with the kids? Do I do a face to face with the guy's wife or mail it to her?

Thanks all - read a post earlier I have to grab my "cojones and run with this mutha" - from a Mike - I have to say i have not laughed much during this all but that made me laugh. I will not be the fool or victim here any longer.

Dr. Harley on telling the children:

here



here

here

I'm betting I could (in your shoes) get this all done in about a day - two days, max:

1) Take all those texts, emails, etc, put them in a package.
2) Put together a mailing list of everybody of import in your
WW's life - family, friends, clergy, coworkers, etc.
3) Put together the same list for POSOM - starting with his WIFE!
4) Write cover letters to your WW's contacts to the effect of
"Sorry to bring you tidings like this, but WW has been committing
adultery with Mr. Scumbag. I hope to save our marriage, and ask
you to intercede with WW to end her illicit behavior. Call her
at 111-222-3333."
5) Do the same for POSOM.
6) Hit "send" to both packages at once, to the respective lists.
7) Listen for the screaming. Smile. Stay calm.

So, how about it?

Good for you! But please branch out beyond the OM's wife and your children. Share this information with her family and your family, and most especially HER EMPLOYER. Follow the guidelines in my exposure template.

If you just do a little trickle exposure, you will not do enough to damage the affair, but just enough to piss off the infidels. Go large or go home!

They are not "friends," they are accomplices. They are the kind of "friends" who would give a shot gun to a suicidal person. A true friend would not enable her friend to destroy her life.


Tell the kids enough detail to convey the meaning. Explain the meaning of the term adultery and tell them why it is immoral. Tell them this is why their mother is breaking up their family. Tell them you do not want a divorce.

I would call the OMW, disguising your phone # using *67, and tell her all about the affair. Tell her you have the evidence and make arrangements to get it to her.

Take the same evidence and send it to the Director of Human Resources and 2 key executives in her company. Make sure you cc them all on the letter. There is a template letter in my exposure thread.

It would be optimal if these exposures hit in the same 48 hour period in order to create a tsunami effect. Open up holy hell on these infidels.

NLB you have received great advice so far. Exposure is really important not only to kill the A but should you reconcile in the future it is a key factor in rebuilding your M. It is also important to tell the truth as waywards always put a spin on the M and separation, apart from being unfair this can have a negative impact on the children of the M.

All - thank you - profoundly thank you!!!!

Melody Lane - "nesting" - the kids stay put in the primary home and the parents nest in and out typically on a 2-2-5-5 schedule: I get them for 2 days, she gets them for 2 days, then I get them for 5 days and then she for 5 days and then we go back to the 2 days.

So she told me she had ended it as soon as I caught her 2 months ago ... it was a lie. Our daughter was home sick for three days with flu/stomach virus and it was her weekend ... she was out with her affair partner and when I called the house my daughter said she was out working.

I thought that was odd so I searched and found her at her watering hole with her affair partner but did not confront her. Per the advice, I went to his house and knocked on door to expose him ... the wife and daughter were home but did not open the door. I think with all the horrific details of the CT event on Friday they were concerned about a stranger at the door.

I spoke through the door and told her who I was, wife's name and that my wife and her husband were having an affair and that right now they were together at a bar. She did not open door so maybe she did not want to hear it. Their home number is unlisted so I cannot call her.

The husband called my wife after he got home and she called me asking if I had gone to her affair parterner's house ... so maybe his wife did hear me ... my wife's excuse was it was work related their meeting and it was over - RIGHT! She said his wife will involve our children, etc. - I said No that I will tell the children (which I have NOT done - very afraid to do this).

Also I will be going to his work - he holds a clearance so I will speak to his manager so that they are aware of potential blackmail issues - not that I will do that but it is part of the exposing.

So PLEASE let me know how do I now reach his wife? I cannot stack out there home but think I do need to tell her in person. I canot believe she is STILL seeing him!!! She is lost and adrift.

Do I tell her parents?

Thanks again all!

Why do you keep asking "What should I do?" when you have (three or four times!) pointedly ignored the advice already given?

It's too early to spend any more time on this note.

Go back and re-read your thread, and instead of deciding you know better, trust the knowledge of the folks here who do.

All of the exposures need to be done NOW. TODAY. Don't trickle them out over several days. Expose to her parents, friends, family, to the OM's facebook friends, just as my exposure thread says..

And your "nesting" idea is ludicrous. All it does is facilitate your wife's affair and allow her to bring the OM around the children. Why should you leave your home and your children to facilitate her affair?

Don't tell your wife you are exposing and forewarn her. JUST DO IT. She should not have been told you were exposing to the children. Just do it.

My friend, you need to buck up TODAY and get this done in a HUGE WAY or a storm of shy** is coming your way. You have done a trickle exposure, which is the equivalence of bringing a pea shooter to a gun fight. And what happens when you bring a pea shooter to a gun fight? You get your a** shot off.

Did you even READ my exposure thread? Did you read this part?

When you expose a little on Tuesday and a little on Friday and a little more when the stars are perfectly aligned and the spirit moves you, you give the infidels time to pre-empt you. They tell others that you are a crazy, jealous nut who imagines your spouse is having an affair. So when you do expose, people hang up on you because they think you are a kook. So you had better get to work TODAY.

TODAY, expose to these people:

1. the OM's wife
2. the OM's workplace
3. your wife's parents [call them and use the talking points on my exposure thread]
4. send an email out to other friends and family telling them about the affair
5. copy and paste the OM's facebook contacts and send them private messages, using my template - try and reach his parents
6. your children

And STOP leaving your home. It is bad for your children for you to facilitate your wife's affair.