I pay for just about everything. She works part time. That covers food for the house and her Cellphone. I pay for everything else. There's no money in savings and a pile of bills. When all this started I was snooping and found cash in the house. It wasn't alot but enough to help pay one of the back bills. She claimed to have no money. So I opened and account in someone elses name and started packing away money. I needed to protect myself. I walk around without money in my pocket and buy only what I need

Ok good that gives you the upper hand. You pay her car and car insurance?

Do as NG said and take her plates off her car and stop paying the insurance. You demand her to stop her affair or she can leave (without the car or any money from your children's mouth) and then change the locks.

You tell her she will not conduct her affair on your watch. Stand up to her.

finally a plan that will say you wont put up with your wife having her affair right under your nose.
you have already lost your wife and live with the alien she has turned into due to her affair fog.
time for all that crap to stop, she wants out, you help her by making her fend for herself, right now you enable her. let her feel what life without you actually feels like. let reality hit her square in the face.
tae away what you can and tell her you are finshed supporting her affair and you will do what it takes to save your marriage and family from her affair.
let her fight you however she has to, let her figure out how she will pay for a lawyer and whatever she needs to exit the relationship like she says she wants.
you will see when you push her into that corner she will see her future pretty quickly.
you get behind the wheel of your life and take control in every marriage from time to time one person has to carry the other when they cant take care of themselves its your turn.
listen to the experience here, so far your losing on your own, follow the plan dont be afraid, come here for support.
start today,

In your initial post and at least one other comment, you mentioned your wife's approach to sex: "She only wants it for the physical part. No emotion." That is very unusual for a woman, and it made me wonder if she could have a hormone imbalance. I know realize this is a minor issue compared to everything else you are dealing with. I'm only mentioning it because it struck me as odd.

No you aren't screwed, you can file for divorce on grounds of adultery and ask your attorney to get her out of there. You are not perpetually chained to this alley cat in heat.

In the meantime, start exposing the affair in a proactive way. Just saying "everyone knows" is not exposure. That is a a lazy man's conflict avoidance.

Something else that strikes me as odd: You said that her affair with the other man has been going on for a long time, and yet it is strictly emotional, not physical. I would assume the OM is meeting her need for intimate conversation, but which of his needs is she fulfilling? How do you think he would feel if he knew that she has been asking you for sex? This could be a terrible idea, but I'm thinking that recorder of yours could help you drive a wedge between them...

If it is illegal to secretly record conversations in your state, maybe you could simply tell the OM that your wife has been asking you for sex.

Women do not ever love a man they dont respect.

Are you suggesting he should continue keeping that a secret for her because it allows her to respect him? Seriously?

Hormone imbalance, respect, sex for pleasure vs "love".....

Seriously, folks, it would be best to keep his eyes focused on HIS recommended (necessary) actions.

Does the "scorched earth" strategy resonate with you, LML? I hope so, because even though your chances of saving your marriage are low, without shocking her out of her cake-eating complacency, they would be in the "zero" range.

(BTW: If you do pull the plates to her vehicle, explain that if she "takes" yours, you will treat it as "stolen" and report it as such. And then frickin' DO IT!)

Telling the other man that she is still having sex with her husband would seem to fit in with the "scorched-earth strategy," wouldn't it? I think she would be shocked to see her husband directly attack her relationship with the other man. It would show her that the rules have changed, and she is no longer controlling the situation.

I think that she was suggesting quite the opposite, JC: that his wife will not respect him if he is weak and does not stand up for his principles - and especially the one that says that there is room in his marriage only for him and his wife. She WILL respect him if he fights for his marriage and his children's happiness, and confronts the other man and puts the fear of God into him.

A lazy, conflict-avoiding, wimped-out BH is not likely to gain any respect from his wife. If her affair ends of its own accord, she is not likely to go running back to a husband who behaved like such a wuss when the affair was in full swing.

That's what I thought initially, but then I noticed that her comment was a "reply" to my suggestion that he tell the other man.

A lazy, conflict-avoiding, wimped-out BH is not likely to gain any respect from his wife.

Hear, hear...

I wish every BH lacking the "ruthless" gene would listen to you on this.

Thanks sugarcane.... Exactly.

Stop being a wuss.
Fight the affair.

I've known of you a long time, Lexxxy, although we have rarely posted to each other. I know enough about you to know you would never support wussiness!

Please tell us about the first affair (that you know of). Who was OM, what did they get up to and how did it end? Was OM married? Did you ever expose that affair?

I would guess that, if you left that affair to die of its own accord like you seem to be doing with this one, you never asserted your values in your own marriage and your wife never gained respect for you then. That gave her the confidence to start another affair years later and do just whatever she pleases, right in front of your face.

From what I can gather, this current OM is divorced, and therefore free to pursue a life with your wife if he wants that. What does it tell you that he hasn't moved nearer to your wife, or persuaded her to move in with him, already? After all, it has been months. She has certainly checked out of your marriage, so why isn't she with this OM/ex boyfriend/love of her life?

I'll tell you why: it's because she ISN'T the love of HIS life and he is not burning with enough love to want to make a new life with your wife. He is very sexually attracted to her but does not want to take on her resentful children, her youngest son with special needs, her promiscuity, her flakiness and her lack of earnings. He wants sex, phone calls, flattery and fun with her but he does not want to pay her mortgage or provide a room in his house for her 7 year-old, whose needs he will have to cater for and whom he will have to spend hours in the park playing in the freezing cold, and let's not think about the teenaged years...

OM are the ultimate freeloading cowards (and yes I am talking about my own husband, who was an OM during his 3.5-year PA). If you force an ultimatum on them, they will, most of the time, walk away from the complicated, oh-so-depressed, unhappily-married, low-hanging fruit that is the married woman he got involved with. That woman is so desperate for a love affair that she makes an exciting person to have in his back pocket, but as a wife...er, no.

If you force him to declare his intentions about your wife TO your wife she will soon find out that his interest in her is limited to sex. That might be enough to force her out of her romantic fantasy that OM is her soulmate, and with the progress you have made in addressing your LB behaviour and learning her ENs, she might be prepared to give your marriage another try. But while this weasel is still on the scene, reinforcing her fantasy that they were meant to be together and that circumstance and responsibilities are keeping them apart, you and your marriage stand no chance.

Confront him. Run him off, and open her eyes to what a dog he is.

What's with you man?

I have forgiven my wife and we've moved on BUT I think about rearranging her boyfriend's face nearly everyday. Its my dream that we have a chance meeting someday.

You are part of an active affair. That makes the option of showing up at his door with a Louisville slugger to make your position clear to him very real.

She and he are laughing at your acceptance of their thing.

Life is very short.

The first Affair happened back in 1999. It was one of my very good friends and best man at my wedding. He was married also. Our wives were good friends too. We were the typical couples that did eveything together. At the time we were having problems. But I didn't see it. OM wasn't happy in his marriage either. I guess we wern't as close as I thought. When DD happened I went crazy. I made him tell his wife. I moved out for about a week. She called me and asked if we could talk. She told me that she realized that she loved me and she made a huge mistake. I forgave her and moved on.
She swore not to have contact with him. She kept that promise. I even went to the extent of pulling out my gun to go looking for OM. Thank god for my dad. He set me straight on what would happen emotionally to my kids if I followed through with it. Everyone know about it when it happened. The difference about me between then and now is. Back then I was very bull headed and yelled ALOT. YES I WAS BEING AN [censored]. Things were better for years after that. We had our ups and downs put for the most part things were good. About four year ago my dad got sick. He had lewy bodies. For over two years I had to watch my best friend in life slowly die. I admit that I didn't handle it well at all. I got to the point of losing my job and didn't find another one for over a year. Money got very tight and there was alot of fighting. After my dad passed I finally started to get my head screwed on straight. I started driving OTR I was gone weeks at a time. I was miserable out there. when I was home I was always tired and cranky. Even my kids hated me being home. When I first started driving. I would spend hours on the phone with my wife. Money was still tight and we started fighting on the phone. It got to the point we fought every time. The calls became less frequent. Then one of the times I was home I had a fight with my oldest daughter over something that happened with her car. I did alot of yelling then had my wife take me back to my truck. It was a day earlier than I had to go back out. I knew that night someting was up with my wifes feeling. she didn't kiss me good bye or say I love you. My gut started talking to me. While out on the road I got in contact with my old boss and went back to my old job so I could be home at night. After being home for several weeks. I could see things weren't right. I started snooping and found pics on her computer. I knew who it was. When I confronted her she told me she didn't know who it was. I told her that I knew who it was. Thats when she told me she wanted a divorce. She told me that they connected on FB and that he was the most understanding person that shes ever met. She never really saw how unhappy I was being away from my family. I think much differently now that I'm home. My relationship with my kids is fantastic now. But she doesn't want to be married to me anymore. Hes been meeting her #1EN communication. She had her mind made up long before I stopped driving. Now I've been busting my tail to try and make things right. I feel like I'm beating a dead horse.