Hi all!
I've enjoyed reading posts and the MB website for several years now. I'm hoping y'all can offer me some advice on some important decisions I feel I need to make regarding my relationship. I�ve never posted before and apologize now for not being up on the acronyms.
Long story short: I separated from my WS after 13 year marriage in 2008 and divorce was final in 2010. I have 5 children. I am in one year relationship with a 32 yr old man who has never been married, no kids, has been sober from drugs and alcohol for a little over two years, and lives with his parents. I made the mistake of becoming attached emotionally and physically to this man without requiring he lay all his cards on the table. I was up front and honest from day one about EVERYTHING with me including the fact that open honesty is my most important need. He gave me bits and pieces of his past, and I never dug deeper. His past has come back to haunt us, and I am forcing a full disclosure.
This man has a long history of ONS and gross PR with only sex as the reason. He is starting to disclose everything to me, but the history is so long it is going to take time and he doesn�t remember much of it. He knows how disgusted I feel about ONS and has from the beginning. He chose not to disclose his past, but never directly lied to me. I am feeling betrayed, misled, and hurt because he did not tell me about his past. He seems very honest about everything now including the fact that he did fail to disclose everything on purpose. He wanted to have a relationship with me and was afraid his past would chase me away which it probably would have. He feels a lot of shame regarding his past. He�s only had two somewhat serious relationships in college.
I feel there are many red flags here, and I�m wondering if anyone can give me advice.
Here are my red flags:
This man has never said no to anything in his life and openly admits it. Sex, drugs, alcohol, stupid decisions for 18 years or decisions made by his mother. Alcohol and drugs were the motivation for most of these stupid decisions, but not all. Even after sobriety he made poor decisions including choosing to sleep with a married woman during the time he was sleeping with and trying to have a relationship with another woman who was possibly getting divorced. I don�t see evidence of a single good decision he�s made. I feel he is staying sober only because I�ve made it clear that I will not be in the relationship if he chooses drugs or alcohol. He says he is trying to make good decisions, and I believe he is and so does his family and those who knew him before our relationship. Everyone tells me he is a different person than before he was sober. He was making these changes on his own before our relationship, but continued to make horrible decisions regarding women right up to a month before meeting me. Can I trust this man to make good decisions?
He HATES talking about his past because he is so ashamed. Honesty is my biggest need. Our conversations seem to withdraw from his LB and deposit in mine. How can we continue with a relationship when this is vitally important to me, but causes him to feel so bad?
He has not made disclosing his past a priority. I�ve asked for a full disclosure several times over the past six months and stressed how important it is to me. I�ve now said if he does not disclose his past then he is choosing to end the relationship. When we talk it is very emotional for both of us and drains us both. I have a hard time understanding why the man I love and respect would abuse and disrespect himself so badly for so long. It is hard to hear and hard for him to tell. When we have time to talk he naturally chooses to talk about less stressful topics and tries to steer the conversation away from his past. When he does this, I feel he is putting himself before me. He is choosing not to fill my most important needs. Am I being too demanding here?
Because he was not sober most of his life, he is just now learning how to grow up, be a man, a father figure to 5 children, a partner in a relationship, etc. He has absolutely no moral foundation, religion, or example on how to live life. His parents let their children do whatever they wanted and rule the house. He was never told right from wrong. As an adult his mother does everything for him. Cooking, laundry, pays bills, runs errands, shops, you name it she does it for him. I have 5 children. Should I continue a relationship with a man who in many ways is a child himself?
I am starting to wonder if I am spinning my wheels with a man who has too much baggage. However I don't want to bail on a relationship with a man who does have many desireable qualities before all the facts are out. Am I doing the right thing to stay in this relationship? Any input is much appreciated!!!

Welcome to MB.

Have you seen these?
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders
Choosing the Right One to Marry

This sounds terrible.
I would not have this man near my children.

Dating is an interview process for marriage.
Does this man pass the interview?
opt

1,000 miles from them would not be far enough

Run for the hills and don't look back!

AGG

He was waiting until a greater emotional investment on your part made it harder to walk away.

He's abused your friendship by lulling you in under false pretences.

What will he do when your investment is greater, when you have more years, marriage, a child? He will abuse it, that's what.

Your top need is O&H. Which means your entire lovebank for him is made up of counterfeit coins. You don't love him. You love the picture he painted.

Interview for marriage notes:



Candidate is unable to do key tasks necessary for the role. Candidate is fundamentally dishonest.



Even in the best of circumstances, candidate is disloyal and selfish. Takes whatever he can for personal gain, disregards others entirely.



Candidate feels he is entitled to trick others and that honesty is a waste of time if it means he can't have what he wants. We can expect dishonesty from this candidate and to be misled into poor decisions as a result if he be employed.



Candidate has made a minimal effort for this interview. Its clear though this won't last.



Is unable to take frank responsibility, is unremorseful.



Uses people. Past, present.. AND future.



That is the ONLY reason you are considering him.

I have no idea what many desirable qualities can possibly cancel out what you wrote of your bf.

His desireable qualities would be that he is meeting some of your most important emotional needs......
but.....

guess what?

Other men could do that and not have all the negative issues this man has.

Please just chalk it up as a lesson learned and put it behind you

and

turn and walk away from him.

Wow you guys are awesome! Thanks for the very candid replies! Isn�t there a time for all the skeletons to come out of the closet? It is rare for anyone to have a full past disclosure from the very first date. And everyone makes mistakes. I�m definitely not perfect. It is incredibly rare for someone to even ask for full disclosure about past, present, and future these days. It was foreign to me before I found MB. This man has never lied directly to me. He chose not to reveal all until I asked. Isn�t it a little harsh to write him off without getting to know the real person?
Say half way through the interview the interviewer states "You must fully disclose all or the interview will end," and the candidate then comes out with a very open, honest, thorough revelation of past faults and present weaknesses. The candidate is very sincere and shows a strong desire to do whatever necessary to fill the position including just being true to himself. Is the interview forever tainted? Should I not learn if the candidate has the necessary qualities needed to pass the interview? Or am I just making excuses?

There is a saying "people tell you all about themselves the first time you meet them" which is incredibly useful when embarking on a potential new relationship. What it means is not that you know about their specific skeletons but that you know what kind of person they are so that you can see if they are likely to have created those skeletons.

The beauty of the "first meeting insight" is that your vision is not coloured by emotions and your potential partner does not know what parts of himself to be discreet about yet.

But the information will be subtle so be very watchful.

Lifeisagift, I made a mistake of becoming too involved with a man when I had children, and before I fully understood him and his issues. We're now getting a divorce and my children have had to go through this over again. The man you're with...what does he have to offer? He lives at home, he makes poor choices...but he's probably fun and carefree, right, and doesn't worry about things and you feel relaxed around him, right? Guess what...soon you could have 5kids and a man-child to worry about.

I would follow the previous advice and walk away. I was on the radio show 12-11-11 and Dr. Harley had great advice for me and understood my husband well. You might want to listen, and avoid the anguish my kids and I have had to go through.

It's a good analogy between dating and interviewing (dating is indeed an interview for a marriage), but you seem to have gone of course with the interview concept.

If during an interview you find that the candidate is unqualified for the job (even if he is honest in his answers), then you don't hire him.

Same for dating - if the partner is wrong for you, you don't marry him just because he was honest about his flaws. The flaws are still there. Someone who has never made a good decision in his life (your words) is not good marriage material.

As you said, you have 5 kids, and you think that this guy will be kid #6. Is that what you really want in your spouse, another child?

AGG