I am not very good at the acronyms, some are obvious some are not.

Although the names and places are all different it is ironic that the same basic thread can be heard in almost all.

My story/history is not much different than others.

Now that I am aware of how it happened, I will explain as best possible.

Female Friend of the family (19 yrs younger) innocently began txt'ing while my wife was busy with school. Through txt'ing she began meeting fundamental emotional needs and conversation. We soon developed a recreational companionship also. This lasted for approximately 6-7 months.

The emotional affair turned physical half way in after I fell In Love.

The feeling during which was intoxicating. Enough to walk away from a 20 year marriage and 4 kids.

My Wife confronted me about it and I did not deny it. We went back and forth ( all of this over the xmas holiday last year ).

My wife packed everything into boxes for me, and drew a line. I had all but rented an apartment, and was moving out.

I can only say that the Lord tapped me on the shoulder, and truly opened my heart. I agreed to no contact with the other woman and my wife agreed to start the rebuilding process.

We decided together on that day to work together on rebuilding our marriage. At this point we did not have Marriage builders.

Sickening actually, the thought of it. What I was willing to do then. And how it is so different now.

I relapsed 2 weeks after calling it off with the other woman, though. I went back to her, Not physically, but emotionally. It started with surfing her facebook account, music we shared, and old email accounts. It wasn't long before I emailed her, and started back up with her. The feelings and pull were very difficult to deal with.

There is a reason it's called a No Contact Clause.

A second attempt, this time with Marriage Builders in Jan. '12. Steve H. helped tremendously in moving us through the process.

It has not been easy.

Many high, highs. Many low, lows. All over this past year.

I can say things have leveled off, which is great.

Negotiating together about what we both want, inter-dependent living, radical honesty, all have made us stronger.

It all is building a much better relationship than we have ever had.

Marriage Builders has given me a structure, hope, and promises that everything will not only return, but be better if we work the program.

We started small, and took the small victories. The smaller victories made us more confident to try larger ones - like Thanksgiving and Christmas this year!! Oh Boy.

Thanksgiving was full of drama, but we walked away stronger than ever together nonetheless. Why? Because we practiced the policy of joint agreement the whole way.

Christmas is working out the same. No lack of family drama at all, but we are negotiating together.

I look forward ( and desperately need and want ) a lifetime full Love. Not just Love - but being "IN LOVE" together.


I am very grateful for Marriage Builders and this forum. I have been reading lots - this is my first post.

Welcome to MB.

Here you go.
Acronyms and Abbreviations

What just compensation have you given your wife?

What EPs have you put in place?

the first thing was that I changed my cellphone number. I had that number for 15-16 years. Gone - changed it. Also blocked known numbers and I cleaned out my computer, and phone. Actually rebooted, and reinstalled everything from the ground up on both.

I not only shared my email account passwords, but configured them on her phone so she sees them just as I do.

I leave my iphone out on the table face up - and when we sleep. Face up so all messages can be seen. Not in my pocket or under my pillow.

We use an app called Path on the iPhone to keep in touch. Very cool app. It was developed as a "family" based facebook idea. it has GPS built in, so when i txt checking in, it stamps with a GPS fix. Very cool app, only we use it just between the two of us. Our own personal version of Facebook.

I wrote two contracts that I read to her each week multiple times. One No Contact, and one an emotional needs.

The No contact goes through all the safe guards on my email, texting, and what I will do for each one.

The emotional needs contract explains what my fundamental emotional needs are, and that I will neither accept any of these needs from anyone but her, or give any of them to anyone other than her.

And I lean in, lean in towards us. No matter what. Even on the difficult things. It's tough.

I listen. I listen a lot. I take constructive criticism on what to do so as not to make unnecessary withdrawals from her account.

I have also gone through all my emotional needs one by one and shared them with her so that she can easily make deposits with me.


Suggestions and other ideas welcome.

It sounds like you have learned a lot and are putting in EPs.

How is your UA time? Does your BW post? Does your BW feel her LB balance is in the positive? Does she complain about anything?

Since your OW was a family friend. Do you both have NC for life with her? Do you go to any family functions that OW goes to?

Thank you for sharing this success story with us li_runner. How is your wife feeling nowadays?

Stating the name of a book's title is not a copyright violation.

It sounds as though you are your wife are recovering well. A few weeks ago, Dr. Harley referred to a couple on his radio show who are reading "Draw Close" for the second time. Was he talking about you?

The UA time, meeting the four critical emotional needs, was the biggest contributor to H's and my recovery. If you aren't spending at least 20 hours of week together, expect hiccups.

And if D-day and a false recovery happened around the holidays last years, expect some triggers in your wife. Be prepared to offer comfort and empathy.

AM

NC for Life , our paths do not cross - thank Goodness. We do not do anything with that side of the family.

Undivided Attention was more in the beginning - but has dropped some. She is working on an advanced degree and has been very deep in the book, and kids, and work. Normal things. All of which are important. Looking back at the times when I felt more sad, or disconnected are in line with the weeks we had less UA than others.

I need to make it a priority, and I know I can do more to help make it happen.

We have scheduled a 100% UA trip for our 20th anniversary the 31st through Jan 5th. Looking forward to that!

Armymama, yes - I sent in a message to Dr. Harley's show not long ago and Joyce read on air.

I listen to it often - and although not all of the stories are 100% like mine I learn something from each one.

Sometimes it is painful to hear what people are going through. I know I am getting better because triggers stand out like sore thumbs now.

The radio show is very comforting to me, and the sounds of their voices not only make me feel connected to the program, but reminds me of the steps and the processes.

I understand the process takes time. I am keenly aware of how this happened, and I have precautions in place now.

More UA, More UA., and More UA.

Markos,

My wife is very happy, and any sadness she has had is triggered by my emotional withdrawal.

Undivided Attention, radical honesty, mutual respect ( no disrespectful judgements ), and inter-dependent behavior have always driven us forward.

When did they read your question on the show?

Segment: #04146

With regards to the segment:


I would like to add that financial stress has also taken its toll on our recovery process ( for both of us ).

My wife took care of all things $$ wise in the house, I did not participate in that area, and hadn't for many many years.

Mainly because she is very math-y, and it just worked out like that over the years.

I did not realize until going through MB that this was a huge love buster for me. It made me feel disconnected, not needed, and out of touch. I now see the independent behavior of these actions sticking out like a sore thumb.

We now do all things financial together. All decisions are made together. This helps a ton. Accountability.

At first we met on a daily basis to go over worksheets etc. As that was significantly time consuming, we stretched it out to once a month and found we didn't spend enough time on it!!!

Now - through negotiation we are meeting once a week to go through, which is great so far. Doing our finances openly is the only way.

When we first started the process it wasn't always so easy. It took time.

My H and I could both tell whenever our UA time dipped. The solution was to sit down once a week (Dr. Harley says on Sunday afternoons, but Monday mornings worked for my H and me) and plan our week, prioritizing the UA time. We tried to maximize the time for the four critical emotional needs.

Is your wife not meeting your emotional needs? Is that why you are withdrawing?

AM

Aw, Road, no worries -- methinks ye took me too seriously. I was referring tongue-in-cheek to the similarity between the poster's signature line & my own.

(Actually being serious now): I am glad to see li_runner here, and hopeful for his & his wife's continuing progress, plus whatever the rest of us can contribute toward that end.

Here it is.
li_runner's call
Segment #2

All -

Thank You very much for your comments, and sharing.

GloveOil, looking at my with drawl and lack of communication as a form of disrespectful judgment makes total sense.

Also - I really like the idea of sitting down on Sunday afternoon to work out our time for the week.

For now, we haven't actually scheduled it... it has just been happening.

We have the tools for it - we both use the same online calendar system and it has proven very successful so far.

My feelings are more powerful during the weeks where we have multiple UA sessions scheduled. I totally agree we need to make this a priority asap. We have a huge session scheduled starting the 31st through the 6th. It is also our 20th Anniversary.

When we have this time sorted out and we are 100% in-sync both emotionally and physically then all of the other problems life throws at are much more easily dealt with.

When we are not in sync, or our UA time is low - then even the small things stick to us like super glue.

thank you.