I went to see the marriage counsellor my W and I visited together up until five months ago (two months after she began her affair).<P>The therapist and I agreed, it was time to make some firm decisions. Every time I walk away, she begs me to come back, only to run away again. She doesn't know if she wants me or wants him or wants no one. Well, finally she has pretty much ended it with the OM. I am convinced that she isn't interested in him anymore in the long term. But is she really interested in me?<P>Over the past two weeks, she has been seeing as "friends" someone she has known for a long time, but who is DEFINITELY interested in her. He has been sending her gifts and e-mails, they have been going out -- she even slept at his house but claims she was too tired to drive home. I have asked her about it but get the same answers I got when things began with the OM -- "don't be ridiculous", "we're just friends", "it doesn't mean anything".<P>Now, she claims she loves me and although she has tried to leave, she cannot. I told her I would not tolerate another man, nor would I accept her back in my life if she was not interested in working on our marriage or wants to be a single person. <P>I was almost out the door completely when she came to me and asked me back. But I am afraid that the same scenario is upon us again: once she thinks I'm not leaving, she feels free to do whatever she wants.<P>I promised myself in therapy this week that I would begin to take the final walk. But then, when she called and I knew it was really over with the OM, I had to give her once last chance. Only someone completely selfish and cruel would ask me back and make empty promises, knowing the pain I would feel if she were lying. That kind of person is not for me, no matter what the excuse may be. I don't deserve that kind of love. No one does. <P>So I'm giving her one last chance. We went out last night and I slept over. Tonight she has done a disappearing act. She is probably with her new friend. <P>I hope not. In four days time I am walking into the therapist's office to begin my new life if she lies to me or betrays me again in any way. I must. And then, when she comes running back to me (the therapist says she will most definitely), I am going to have to -- for my own sake -- turn away from her and say "sorry" to the person I loved most in life, because she can't show me the kind of love I need.<P>Am I stupid in believing her now? Has anyone out there had the same experience? What are the odds that she is going to disappoint me? <BR>I don't want to lose her but I cannot go through it again with another man. Not ever.<BR>Any advice out there? If I threaten her with my plans, I will only push her away. How can I let her know that she is screwing up or that I am serious? I'll take any advice anyone has to give. I'm at the end of my rope emotionally.

Hi BigDaddy<P>Sounds to me like you cave in to many times for your W to take you seriously. Do Plan B and let her "court" you into reconciliation. She will need to fully understand that she will lose you forever if she stays in contact with OM. You need to get a decision and commitment out of her before you attempt another reconciliation.<P>You already know in your heart that you can not tolerate her behavior. Your personal life will suffer greatly if you stay with your W while she acts this way and at some point you will start to lose your love for her and just not care what she does. So start Plan B and see if she starts a new "courtship" with you.<P>Good Luck<BR>_____________________________________________<BR>"Better to die on your feet than live on your knees"<P><BR>

Big Daddy I have read many of your posts and feel the pain of the big time rollercoaster you are on. The best advice I can suggest is to have a telephone consultation with the expert Dr. Harley. He will best understand your situation and offer advice. I suspect that he may need you to speak with him more than once, so if you really want to give her another chance be patient one more time.<P>Good Luck!

Dear Big Daddy:<BR>I see you are torn between really going and really staying. But, you going back to her each time she cries "wolf" is not doing you any good. You already stated that you do not deserve to be treated like that. O.k., then if you feel that way then you need to stand on your feet and follow through with what you want. No wonder she keeps running back, because she knows that you will take her back. How many times are you going to punish yourself? What do YOU want? It seems to me that you already stated what you want. You are letting this go on by not sticking to your guns. No wonder she doesn't take you seriously. Yes, you love her and keep thinking o.k., just one more time I will take her back just in case she has changed. Has she so far? How many times does it take? Don't put up with the disrespect she is giving you by talking to some other man. You can only make the decision of what you really want. I think you do know, but are scared. Yes, life is scarey and sometimes the biggest decisions we make are scarey. But, sometimes the outcome is far better than living in the present. We all take chances in life. You have to follow what is in your head and what you really want to do and stick to it. It's your life...and the rest of it will depend on what you decide is important to you. This is just my opinion...I hope you make the right choices in your life. Everyone deserves to be happy. Each one in a marriage needs to contribute into the marriage. If not, then what do you really have??? I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do with your life.