Currently � You never recovered your marriage.

So she brings up past transgressions. Do you let that keep you at bay? Why? When she uses her anger does that keep you at bay. Why? When she throws something in your face what�s your response?

�I am sorry for the things I�ve done in the past. I choose not to dwell on them. Since realizing my poor behavior over 2 years ago I�ve done X and Y to change those things that I USED TO DO that hurt you. Please let me know if there are other things in terms of quality or quantity that would improve how you feel about me.�

Rinse, lather, repeat.

She might not want to work the program but you certainly can. Use your communications to discuss the positives and quit allowing her to dwell in the past. State what you�ve done to rectify your part. Let her know your actions (nothing mystical or magical there). Do not excuse your behavior or even discuss it. Simply state what you�ve done to change that dynamic.

You need to control your emotions. Don�t let her immediate reaction to beat you down and keep you in your place whenever the painful discussions come up get you down . You have to maintain a positive outlook. No excuses. To sit around and mope is only making you less attractive and it�s also making you more miserable.

In the future �
As I see it you two are stuck and are waiting for the magic pixie dust to hit her . I don�t see that happening any time soon. I see yours as a horrible situation. I don�t see this woman ever providing you with the kind of protections you need to feel safe and loved in your M. You can only Plan A for so long. You will soon go into withdrawal� if you haven�t already. I�d recommend you be wary of that � that may be your queue to take the next step.

I see a Plan B in your future NOT another child. That is yet again another selfish demand from her. �Hey I know our marriage sucks for you but give me another child because I want one.�

Mr. Alias - those are some very good points you bring up. I feel like I've tried to quell her concerns with repeating how I've changed. She's just blinded by the desire for another baby.

I do let the anxiety get to me and then start to mope, which I know she hates, and that turns into a vicious cycle, of course. But, I feel like in some ways that's when I get attention from her. It's when I'm in a good mood that she tends to be more indifferent. I know she doesn't do it intentionally, but it's very noticeable to me.

I was in a quasi-withdrawal state recently and I do dip in and out of that occassionally. I really try to avoid that as I know what it can lead to.

We do have some good times and for the most part, things have improved, especially my dedication to the marriage. I know she's dedicated to our family but for some reason, and this is what I am trying to decode, she doesn't want to put effort into working on our marriage, whether it's subconcious or not. In many ways, she's like this with her life in general...she can be quite lazy and tends to not follow through with many things, where I'm more of a 'take the bull by the horns' kind of person.

To put it in a small perspective, she reads HNHN on her iphone. I had to download it for her on November 15th and she is, as of today, on pg 89. Mind you, these are iphone pages which 3 or 4 may make up 1 regular book page. She's in the chapter on RC. I've read each of these books at least twice and did so fervently. Last year I downloaded the audio version of HNHN because she 'doesn't like to read' but she only listened to maybe a chapter or two....... I'm not confident she'll finish this one either.

Not really the case now, as we do have SF averaging about 3 to 4 times per month and it's usually quite nice, just not frequent enough for me even though that's about a 50% increase. She still watches p0rn (which I don't mind) and maybe tells me about it 35% of the time (which bothers me). I'm still watching her which she doesn't know. She thinks I deleted the software, but I just reinstalled it. She has no idea.

So if you�re continuing with Plan A then �
Well she can want another child, that part is fine. But to deny meeting your needs and demanding a child, that�s not. I�m not sure how your past transgressions tie in with her wanting a child? Are you saying she equates the lack of getting your needs met to the past? That you�re still being punished for something that happened several years ago?

Also, could you give more detail. Somewhere along your 1st thread it sounded as if you had an affair also. Is that true?

What actions have you shown to her that prove you are protecting the M?


I encourage you not to mope. That sounds like an unhealthy behavior. Stick with the good behavior and positive attitude. That�s when it feels the best. Less passive aggressive-like.

That is good. If you feel you have some energy to continue � but remember that in and out of withdrawal will be your key. You don�t want to lose all love for her before implementing a Plan B.


I would encourage you not to think of her this way. Her way is different than yours � doesn�t necessarily make her lazy. Possible DJ.

She doesn�t read them because she doesn�t believe in the MB process.
�
So what needs are you missing in this M?
Lack of quantity in SF sounds like one.
Others?

Yes, I had multiple affairs and truly regret them...she knows all about this.

Again, good advice and refreshers for me. I'm definitely, in my mind, not close to Plan B - I was much closer to that about a year ago. I just need to focus on trying to up my game in Plan A because I've faced so much discouragement.

Needs for me would be more RC, more SF, more Openness. She also has a lot of unintentional LB's (annoying habits) that I find to hard to get over. She hasn't read about that yet and I'm quite non-confrontational.

Could you answer the 2nd part? What actions have you put in to protect your M? Is she aware of these actions that you put into place?

It's possible she's not over it because you and her didn't recover from your affairs.


Continue to communicate your needs to her. Be sure it is in the form of a thoughtful request not a demand or expectation. Always start the sentence with �I would love it if ��. What follows after that is specifics of what you�d like and it always needs to be void of any negativity.

�I love it when we are intimate with each other. I would love it if the frequency were �.�.
�I love it when we do fun things together. I would love it if we could go �.�.

From these negotiations sometimes arise.

From your side �

Do regular check-ins with her to see how you are doing meeting her needs. She might not believe in the concept but I�m sure she�s not going to say �Stop doing all those nice things.�. Over time she may start to reveal some good tidbits that are going to vault her love bank into the black. And when that happens �.. magic fairy dust my friend.

Being non-confrontational isn't going to help the M move forward. I'm a conflict avoider too. But if you find thoughtful ways to communicate LBs they actually can go over quite well. They certainly give us opportunities to work on our negotiating.

The actions have been me trying to adhere to MB principles and filling up her love bank. I went full bore at this for well over a year and then it gradually wavered off until it now ebbs and flows, but I would definitely say it's still more on the positive side of things. I never have angry outburts, or selfish demands for example. My biggest issue is communication, part of that being avoiding conflict, part of that being we aren't on the same page with the MB.

She still focuses on her inner peace and other existential ideas she believes in, when I think putting these MB practices to work will just form the habits we want and need. She doesn't want to do that until she's 'ready'. Yet, she still wants a baby, yesterday.

FYI this is the first thing that Dr. Chalmers went to work on with me. She picked up on it after only talking about about 20-25 minutes. This is an LB. Withholding honesty is dishonesty. My job is to work on an alternate behavior. Instead of being critical by being honest I merely say something in the form of a thoughtful request that is positive. I don't say "I hate it when ..." instead I say "I would love it if ....".

It makes it a lot easier and it provides valuable requests for my W. She no longer needs to read my mind (ahem � or interpret my poor passive aggressive behavior).