I really like this website and feel it explains something that happened at the beggining of my marriage.

Ok, my story is pretty shocking. I am sort of embaressed to even post everything that's happened but I need advice. My husband and I have been in counseling for the past four months since the beggining of my trauma. We are seeing sex therapists and running out of money. We spent most of the retirement that my husband has saved up in his last seven years of working full time on weekly counseling. We need to quit going because we cannot afford it anymore but I am afraid to quit going until they get to the root of the problem. I am beggining to wonder if they are dragging this out on purpose.

Ok let me start at the begining I will try to summarize as best as possible. I got married at seventeen years old never had been with anyone. My husband was twenty-three and had a previous divorce. My husband was sexually abused as a child by an older girl cousin from the ages of 6-11. He had read the bible and had abstained from having sex for eight years after this had happened. He wanted to save himself for marriage. His first wife lied to him and he discovered she was with many people. He had no trust for her and divorced her after 2 years. He had a few relationships and then met me.

So we got married after dating 2 months at my mothers suggestion. We had extreme passion/lust and the wedding night when we tried sex for the first time it all went away. The therapists think I may have some sexual abuse in my past that is blocked. I don't know. So two years into the marriage the sex was very minimal. My husband had connected sex and love so he thought I did not love him. We lived by my mother and she would talk to him every night. She would share intimate details about her life and her sex life.

So my husband started slapping her on the butt and she did not tell me. He said that he felt controlled by her because he did not want to live by them and he was wondering if she was coming on to him. He was afraid I would cheat on him because I hung out with her all the time. He said he was trying to figure out if she was a cheater and if I would become one. He said he never wanted to be with her that he was just trying to solve a puzzle. So more stuff happened she would tell him stuff like about my dad forcing sex on her. She would even tell me if I had stayed around but I did not want to hear it. So he looked in the windows to see if this was true. He also admitted to looking once with just her their. He snuck in her bed once fully clothed to shock her.
My mom did not tell me this stuff and put a stop to it until later. I have since found out that this happened once before in my childhood with another man and my mother. I witnessed my dad getting a gun and wanting to go after the guy. I really believe my mom doesn't even realize that she is also at fault in these situations. I was finally told about a year later and it was very shocking. She said it seemed like a kid trying to get a rise out of her and tease her.

I slowly was told here and there everything that happened. I now know this is called a rolling disclosure. I still loved my husband and figured well at least he didn't cheat on me and stayed. I also figured it had something to do with his child abuse. I now know this situation was totally similiar to his trauma as a child. It was an older controlling women talking about sex just like his child abuse but in his abuse the cousin came on to him and got him to do it with her.

Ok fast foward 14 years later. I have been married 17 years. I had two kids within the last 7 years ages 4 and 7. My husband is a great guy he helps around the house, cooks, he is very nice to me. The whole first of the marriage we were together all the time and worked odd jobs. We liked working together. So when we had the kids we felt like we had to do the responsible thing and get a job. He got a job at the college tutoring upper level math full time. We built a nice house on his parents land right before our first son was born.

I hated being a housewife and missed the good old days. He had a cousin that would stay at our house a lot that died suddenly six months ago. I liked him as a friend and don't have many friends. I got very depressed and just numbed out on the internet a lot. My mother had gotten cancer earlier that year. I wanted my husband to quit working and us to work together again. He agreed or so I thought. He was also depressed about his cousin but I could not tell. He also got depressed about losing his job and his friends at the college and I was totally ignoring him. We were leading totally seperate lives. He had his life at the college with friends and I hung out with my parents every day. I have a lot of anxiety and have trouble making friends.

So here is the shocking part. We live on a farm and have goats. One night after trying to have sex with me and I rejected him he got drunk and went outside. I went out and asked him what he was doing and he said petting the goats. Something seemed odd to me. The next day he was out mowing and then dissapeared. I went looking for him and found him with his fingers in a goat. I panicked and ran thought I had to take the kids and leave. I thought my husband was too screwed up to stay with him. I stayed and talked to my husband. He said we would do whatever to work this out that he wasn't leaving this time. He tried to leave me once the other time.

So I found sex therapists that deal in weird stuff like this. At first they tried to say he was a sex addict. My fear level went through the roof. They talked about disclosures. I started questioning him about the past and he told me more stuff. He confessed that he had cheated on me once with an older women around the time the mom thing was happening. He said he went to work on her house and she said she did not like her husband and only strangers do it for her. They made a plan to meet the next day and have sex. He told me that he chose to do it and it was the most horrible thing he has ever done. He said he was screwed up in his thinking and thought our marriage was over and was curious why all these older women can't stand their husbands. He said he could not stand having sex with someone he did not love and felt terrible. He said he couldn't tell me because he knew he would lose me and decided he wanted to stay with me.

He also confessed to going to a strip club with his cousins and getting a lap dance during my pregnancy with my first child. He also said he had played tennis and raquetball with two girls at the college and ate lunch a couple times. He is working on his full disclosure now with the therapist but he has said he has already told me everything.

After this confession I had a total nervous breakdown. I could not sleep for five days and had racing thoughts. We talked for days straight and he was very remorseful and willing to tell me anything. He said when he went to go have sex that lightning hit a transformer and he thought it was a sign he should not have done it. We prayed to god and the power went out the next day and he said he felt like his guilt and shame was lifted from his whole life by the holy spirit. We have since been going to church for the first time in our lives and believe totally in the bible now even christ which he was not sure before about christ and I was questioning if there was even a god.

So after evaluating him for months I don't think they think he is a sex addict anymore. They think his negelectful parenting and abuse in his childhood led to the lack of boundaries with the animal and my mother. Also he seems to be owning up to his behaviour and having empathy for my side of things all these years. I am starting to understand his side on the sex issue and other things. We never shared our feelings with each other and did not know how to communicate. They have also mentioned how his past played a role in him recreating his trauma. We have both read this site and like what it has to say. Not sure where to go from here. I want to quit therapy but I have great anxiety if I do that something weird will happen again. We have tried meeting each others needs and when we do it is really great. We are also learning how to communicate our feelings. I am just not sure if that is enough to overcome his acting out and I also have trouble with my anxiety. They are saying I have PTSD and they are working on EMDR work with me but it's very slow. I have to keep telling myself that god is in control to handle the days. On bad days I worry that everything is still a lie. On good days I feel like he is a changed man and our marriage is getting better. I feel like he has told me everything he even shared his thoughts with me and I with him. Which I had a few small things I had hidden nothing major.
So any advice is greatly appreciated. Please be ultra sensitive on this because if you respond that I have to leave or that everything is a lie I get very panicked about my situation. I would like to know any opinions on if I should quit the expensive therapy and any cheaper alternatives. Thank you so much for reading this:)

Wow. Well, there is a difference between a sex addict and a sexual predator. This is the behavior of a sexual predator. This man should not be around children, in fact I would demand a polygraph addressing any potential sexual abuse of your children.

I don't think your story is "weird". I spent 10 years as a 911 operator, I've heard "weirder". But this is very typical of a sexual predator.

Thanks for panicking me. We have been in counseling for four months by certified sex addict and sex offender therapists. They have not identified him as a sex offender. He has been evaluated by psycharists also. They told him stories about how people did this in Columbia. Apparently this goes on more than people realize. What he did was wrong and screwed up but don't just jump to my kids that is very hurtful and black and white thinking. That's like saying if someones homosexual that they will jump to abusing their kids.

How do vI get my story off of here. Somebody point me the way please

Are you that scared of hearing things you don't want to hear? What did you expect when you came here?

This is a very black and white site. There is a very strict plan here that must be followed to recover a loving marriage. But think about it --

He hid it from you for a reason. What else could he be hiding?

He could have recovered, yes -- but he was found out by you once. Odds are good he may still be doing this, just hiding it better.

Why would you view Alis's response as abusive? The suggestion was that to ensure the safety of your children (as well, as it turns out, of any/all farm animals in your vicinity) a psycho evaluation should be performed. Are you saying that groping goats is close enough to well-balanced behavior that you would not be concerned, whether or not Alis chimed in?

No it's not well balanced behaviour. He knows it is wrong. He has been evaluated by people who work in this field. He has also had the test.. Trust me that was my very first thought. They have not put him in jail and have not said my kids are in danger. They just said this stuff goes on more than you realize and the boundary thing. They are working on his disclosure. It has been four months now with professionals working with him. What am I suppose to do never believe anything that anybody says. At some point I have to believe that everything is out in the open and have to heal.

AMAZING>

You come on with this long story and list all of this dysfunction and then are surprised when people say, that sounds dysfunctional maybe you should check it out some more.

It seems to me you may be looking for shock value - not for the real caring and actually helpful advice you will get here.

If you want to play swap weird stories - you are on the wrong site.

If you want some real help and direction that will lead to a healthy and good place then hang around, be honest and open, apply, keep talking and listening and life will change dramatically for the better.

Otherwise you can always just keep on with the life you have.

I am sorry all I read was my husband was a predator and after my kids. It panicked me completly. How could I continue in my marriage if this was the case. I am trying to be open and honest. I have been having a hard time dealing with this. I get extreme anxiety when I feel like I have to leave my husband.

It may in fact come to that -- investigate. His sick behavior may run deeper than you know and you have to be prepared for the idea that if he cannot change, you may have to leave him for your and the children's safety.

I did have it checked out with professionals. I was scared to death so I made sure and got people that were in this field. This really is my story I was not trying to shock anyone. I guess this is very hard to process for anyone. No wonder I have been having such a hard time. I guess because I have been talking about it for four months now I forgot how shocking it is. I have been having panic attacks and its hard to process.

Are you all saying I should not trust the people that work in this field?

Sexually assaulting animals and climbing into your mother's bed to "shock her" are not the actions of a sexual addict, they are the actions of a sexual predator. If that panics you, well, I'm sorry, but it should. I am "in the field" myself, only I am privy to extensive details of criminal sexual offenders and quite frankly, the actions he has TOLD YOU about are some of the worst I've seen. This stuff doesn't scare me or alarm me, I've seen it before - so without being dramatic - I am telling you that those are actions of a predator. Do not stick your head in the sand here.

Unless the professional is a qualified PSYCHIATRIST/PSYCHOLOGIST specializing in criminal behavior (not MA in Counseling therapist) then no, you should not trust their judgment of this man's behavior. This behavior has far gone crossed the line of counseling, it is in the realm of requiring extensive intervention.

You understand that this is sexual assault, correct?

She is certified to treat sex offenders. The courts actually send them to her.

Dear Weird Story,

If you think that it makes you 'panic' to hear someone say that this man is a sex addict and that he 'may' be after your kids...

Just project yourself forward a few years to the day you find out from your children that he did indeed abuse them.

Imagine your revulsion when you hear exactly what he did to them and how it affected them.

Imagine how sick to your stomach you will feel when you realise you were warned but decided not to pay it attention because it made you 'panic' just to think of it.

I promise you there is no fate you would not prefer to the fate of knowing your child/ren were abused in this way.
PLEASE > with the information you have given it does seem highly likely that he would abuse a child.

Yes, as you say, 'these things are more prevalent than many realise'
- paedophilia is FAR more prevalent than many realise.

We do not want to believe it, but it DOES happen.

And he is coming within the profile very neatly...

The absolute kindest thing I can say to you is that this is very likely at this point and such a risk must be eliminated.

People with EXTREMELY low sexual boundaries are NOT to be trusted around children.

He has EXTREMELY low boundaries.

SO when are you going to protect yourself from all of this pain.

Maybe it is time to get out, and no longer have a need to rehash and keep retraumatising yourself. Time to start a new and beautiful life for you and your children.

I am saying that you should not trust THIS MAN to tell you the truth.

I am saying you should not trust THIS MAN to give up information that could lead to jail time.

I am saying you should not trust THIS MAN to confess the WORST of his behavior.

I am saying that you should not trust THIS MAN to control himself around the most important and vulnerable people in your world.

When the freight train is coming...

It is time to GET OFF THE TRACKS

not stand with your babies.