I keep trying and trying, I give and give but it seems like I'm the only one trying here.

I started a new business and I'm newly married, 9 months now and I have a baby on the way. 7 months in the way.


When I met her she was everything and it just felt like it was meant to be.

We married and it changed, that spark that she had four me faded, but I kept pushing I tried to keep the fur alive and I would do everything to keep her happy.


We live with my parents and I ask her if there any problems almost every week. She says she's happy.

She is completely honest with me, I know her very well and I still do love her, but I feel like I got the rotten end of the deal.

My issue is I take out time for her, I give her massages and whenever she asks for something I do it as fast as I can. I respect her parents and talk to them often. I keep constant contact with her sisters. I do it all and with constant level as much as I can, all I want is done affection. She was a virgin till we married so I knew she was sexually shy, but I thought that this would change. I try to make it safe for her. But I think she thinks she made a mistake and she doesn't wish to invest. That or that's pregnancy hormones.

I just feel lost here, I feel angry but I don't want to show it, she knows I'm angry but she's pregnant and I want to be able to not feel angry at until pregnancy is over.

Drone,

This isn't the forum for you to get the help you need for your situation. This forum is for those members that have a pregnancy or child as the result of an affair.

I'm moving your post to our Marriage Builders 101 forum.

Good luck to you!


And welcome to Marriage Builders.

Drone,

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

You've come to the right place.

Start off your journey to improving your marriage by reading the concepts of this site given to you free by Dr. Willard Harley.

Click the Basic Concepts link at the top of the page and read, read, read.

While you're doing that we'll work with you to help you clean up your side of the street that limits your marriage.

Oh my...you are a clueless male.. ( Sorry for the disrespectful judgement. First of all being married is different than dating. It is hard enough to adjust to being with each other, but then you are living with your parents... She is 7 months pregnant... Ok, so that means 2 months into your marriage she bacame pregnant. Is that about the time she started "fading?" I've had 3 children and each experience has been a little bit different.. one I was ill for the first 3 monthsand the last one any kind of effort made me incredibly tired. What EXACTLY are you wanting from her? What EXACTLY can she do for you? If you are expecting a 7 month pregnant woman to be full of energy to run around and chase you and attack you for sex, then yes, you are going to be disappointed. Also, I'm sure she is scared!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know that I was and we waited 5 years before we had our first. How much will it hurt? Will I be a good mom? Will i lose myself?? All of these questions...

So, you might both take the EN questionnaires and you could each share what you need. If sex is your number one need that might be hard right now. I know at about 6 months, if we had sex I would start having contractions. And I was sore for about a month afterwards.. So that was about 4 months with no sex... Sorry...the price of parenthood. ( Now not every person may have that restriction, but I did.. I had an episiotimy (sp) and it took awhile for me to heal.) But talk about how that need can be met in creative ways.. Grin. There is more than one way to get SF!!!

Hang in there. Right now is a really moody and needy time for many women. I just needed my husband to be there for me. I'm sorry, but I was not a sexual vixen during that period. For me, that has happened in my 40's. It has nothing at all to do with not being in love with my husband but rather the bodily changes that came with pregnancy and raising kids... If you want to have the spark once the kids come, then do what Dr. Harley did and hire the babysitters...oh wait, have your parents watch him/her and take her out. Romance her. Most woment need tons of affection and conversation ALONE. Talking to her with your parents coming in and out of the room doesn't count!!!!!!!

Dear tiredwife45, thanks for the response, I understand what you mean. I own a business and my timings are not the best, but every weekend I take her out and we try to have as much as I can do. I know that she needs care and affection especially since she's pregnant.


She has been like this since month two of marriage , I thought maybe she was adjusting and she needs time, during pregnancy I think it's the pregnancy, I keep telling myself it's my fault I'm doing something wrong, I ask her what it is but she says everything is fine but I can tell something is off.

I support her as much as I can, she even has two caregivers at her beck and call.

I know she's moody, and I know what to expect I read and read and read.


It's not all about sex, it's that thing. I just wanted hugs and kisses when I leave for work and when spend some time alone I return. Talk intellectually, She used to tell me about her day she doesn't even do that anymore. I am telling myself it's the pregnancy but I can't help but feel like it's something more than just that. (ok pregnancy is not a "just that" but you know what I meant) Something is of and she doesn't wish to communicate about it

I read the basic principles before marriage, I asked her to read it as well, she was not interested, I got the pair book for better or for best, and If Only He Knew: What No Woman Can Resist, she hasn't turned a page, I started the exercises suggested but she initially didn't want to participate.

As for the parents we have our privacy fully intact.

Regards
Drone

Drone,

Stop worrying about what she's doing and simply keep your side of the street clean. Work hard to fill her ENs especially while she's pregnant.

No LoveBusters.

You do those things and I think you'll be just fine.

You don't need her to participate in order for you to have a great marriage. You do your part and she can't help but be romantically in love with you.

Ok.. I can relate to this.. It is VERY VERY VERY hard for me to talk about what is bothering me.. He literally has to drag it out of me.. It is a character flaw of mine.. And maybe she doesn't even exactly know.. I have to have lots of time. I have to feel VERY safe.. For me, it is not trusting him with negative thoughts... I don't know what to do with them or if I am upset with him.. I just bottle it up.. I'm sorry to say that it is only in the last couple of days and lots of tears on both of our sides that I am determined to speak up and not bottle things up any more.. I believe we are a team now. And I trust that he will love me and that I may not get exactly what I want, but we can work together.. I'm just speculating and it may not be this AT ALL, but maybe she likes your parents, but really wishes she could have a place of her own but knows you are doing the best you can, so she doesn't feel like she has a right to say anything.. Something like that. something that she wants/desires but thinks she can't have and/or has no right to ask... Just a guess.. Another thing I wonder is, is she working? What does she have to tell you about.. That has been a BIG problem for me right now. Before this year I had tons of stuff to tell my hubby about, but at the present time I'm not involved in much and I don't think he wants to hear about how I reorganized a cabinet or our daughter couldn't understand prepositional phrases that work like adjectives ( I homeschool.) It feels so boring to me. I want to be more interesting.. So that might be another thing is that she doesn't feel very intellectual with what she is doing right now... Once again, you just somehow have to make her talk about it. Reassure her that whatever it is, you will love her and be there for her.. My husband has to tell me 3 or 4 times in a 20 minute time before I will finally tell him what is bothering me.. It is just hard for me.

I am not familiar with the books you quoted.. But here is what I would do.. I would print off the emotional questionnaires on this site and mabe even the pages where each are described. It would be even better if you got His Needs Her Needs and maybe you could read a chapter out loud while you scratch her back, play with her hair ( whatever she likes that relaxes her) and then you can discuss it together.. You could print off each one and read it out loud from the website also. The nice thing about the questionnaires is that it gives you something concrete. For example, one of my top needs if for affection. My husband was doing a GREAT job of telling me he loved me.. But I wanted physical affection like hugging me when he gets home from work, cuddling with me in bed, sitting close to me in church with his arm around me.. I felt like a plant dying of lack of water.. I needed that physical affection. So I could be specific. So for conversation, you can write down that you want to hear details about her day... Once you finish the questionnaires, then you could each take one emotional need and try to work on it. You do your best to fufill her top one that you weren't doing well and she does the same..

Hang in there. Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint!!!

Drone, welcome to Marriage Builders. That is very unusual that a wife would fall out of love in such a short time. You do need her engagement to sustain a marriage, of course. What does she say the problem is?

When you are having children, it is even MORE important that you are both meeting each other emotional needs so that the marriage is protected for the sake of all. Your marriage is also the most important thing for your children.

Don't accept this is the status quo. Your marriage is falling apart and you have to stop it before it gets worse. Sit her down and ask her why she is neglecting her marriage.

And I just wanted to point out that Dr Harley DOES NOT advocate neglect of a marriage so I am puzzled at some of the advice on this thread. He should not just live with it. He should keep it on the front burner until the problem is solved.

Did you think I was saying he should live with it?? I thought I was telling him to drag it out of her and use the book and questionnaires now that I know it isn't a "I want sex" thing.

Is she enthusiastic about living with your parents? That is where I would start. Ask her how she would feel about moving into your own place. I don't know very many women who would like that arrangement. I would get the books suggested above, but in the meantime, this article can get you started:

How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

And don't back off from solving the problem just because she is pregnant. This is usually when marriages start falling apart and you can prevent it if you are persistent. Don't accept a bad situation.

Yes, you told him this was NORMAL and that he should accept that his marriage is going to go downhill. I believe you told him he was clueless for expecting otherwise.

Yes, marriage is different from dating, HOWEVER, the expectation is that the romance is GREATER, not LESS. That is what we do here and that is what we should help him do.

Drone, how much time alone do you have? It takes 15 hours of undivided attention time to maintain the love in marriage and 20-25+ hours to create romantic love. Do you go out on dates? HAve quality time alone?

Yes, but I wasn't physically able to have sex when I was 7 months pregnant and I was as big as a barn ( or at least I felt like that!!! ) Sorry..

OK?? What does that have to do with anything?

Mel did you think I gave poor advice to Drone.

If I did let me have it. I certainly don't want to steer anyone wrong.

tiredwife, I have a feeling he is here looking for solutions, NOT to hear reasons why he should be live with a miserable marriage. Can you help him with Marriage Builders solutions to his problems?

Mr. Alis & I were having sex at 2 overdue. All circumstances are different.

I suspect that your wife may be feeling the "crisis" mode that many pregnant women go through. It could also be a sign of prenatal depression.

I had postpartum depression. Do you know what cured it?

UA time. UA time with my husband, without the baby, living life outside the house, like "ME" again. It worked better than any drug.

Don't be so quick to rush out of the parents house. This is a good opportunity to gain childcare for after the baby is here. If you decide to move out as a couple, stay close.



So, how is your UA time?

MrAlias, you were right on when you told him to eliminate lovebusters and work hard on meeting her EN's, something which TW also pointed out. But he should not give up and he should not accept the status quo. Pregnancy is usually when marriages start to go south and that is what is happening here. Harley talks about this quite often on his radio show.

I see his problem as very similar to yours in that she is not engaging and his focus should be on doing everything to get her engaged. In other words, DON'T accept the status quo. And you are the perfect person to help him with that.

Agree 100%! This is exactly what Joyce Harley says. She was stuck at home all day long and couldn't wait to go out when her husband came home. If they are not meeting each others intimate emotional needs for 15 hours a week, she WON'T feel affectionate towards him.

And this is a very fragile time in their marriage.

I'm sorry.. I thought i told him to drag it out of her and to read his needs her needs and go through the questionnaire.. I can delete my first post if that would be helpful.. I would just have had to POJA an agreement if intercourse would have been a high need at 7months pregnant.. I could not do it.. I felt pretty bad by then as well.. Sex was not on my radar.

But yes, 15 hours .. Yes.. I didn mention in that first post that he should have time ALONE with her..that was my concern with him living with his parents.. The others brought up a good idea about babysitting, though. But for me, as much as I love my inlaws..I would have resented living with them. It is so easy for them to set the rules... He is still a mamma's boy living at home.. Do you see what I mean. But yes, he needs to use MB.. I thought I was showing him the sad state of 20 years to NOT do it.. So however you want me to edit it, I will.