Hi to all,<BR>Just got the news 2 days ago that my wife has found a new man she is interested in. I don't know how long it has been going on but I suspect that it has been awhile. Needless to say, I thought up until she told me that things would work out eventually. I thought I would be strong as I allowed myself to think of this possibility and would be able to deal with it. I'm in trouble and am looking for some help and support. My mind is mush. I love her very much but feel so lost as to what actions to take at this critical time. I feel my own responsibility for this mess almost closes the door for a happy ending. I wish to try my best but both my hope and strength seem to be drained. I'm sinking into ??????????? I need help!!! Thank you<P><P>------------------<BR>John

John - Welcome to MB. And hang in there.<P>Number 1. Take care of yourself. You have got to be as strong as possible to handle this ride.<P>Read, read, read, read, read. This site. Harleys books, SAA and others and if you'll search the site there are terrific recommendations on other books to help you understand all this.<P>Go back through other's posts here. Understand that you are not alone. That so many of us are going through or have been through the same things. You'll also find you'll learn ever so much from the betrayers who post here. It may provide some insight to how your w is feeling. The people here are all here because they are trying to rebuild their marriages and their lives. You'll find a host of wonderful friends.<P>Do not lovebust. If you can't manage anything else right now, just make sure of that. Vent here. Cry here. Scream, yell, throw a tantrum. That's what we're here for. And we've all felt the same way.<P>Now, try to get a little rest. Give yourself some time to absorb everything, to read what may be coming, to think clearly. Then you have some decisions to make.<P>But don't make them too soon. Never in the heat of frustration or anger or hopelessness. Give yourself and your w some time.<P>And remember, we're all here if you need us.<P>Good luck to you.<P>Lori

John:<P>In a word, "YES," you do have a chance. Plan A doesn't always happen overnight. Neither does Plan B for that matter. Your W is going through something very natural -- a period of not knowing who she is or what she wants. In her mind, you made it worse by not "being there for her." I suspect that she has VERY conflicted feelings about what she wants.<P>If that's the case, I think Lori's suggestions are VERY accurate. Read as much as you can about affairs and how to combat them. I suggest reading Harville Hendricks' <I>Getting the Love You Want</I> to help you learn how to improve your marriage.<P>The trick is, however, that you need a commitment from your W to work on things. That's hard to do when she feels so depressed about the marriage. Have y'all been to see a couples counselor? I highly recommend it. Even if your W is dead set on moving on, perhaps you can convince her that a counselor will at least make the transition easier on both of you. Of course, your real motivation is to get her THERE so you can work on the marriage.<P>A good counselor can be a godsend. Even if she won't go, YOU go. And, like Lori said, READ, READ, READ.<P>Good luck.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

Thank you to LostVa and LoneStar,<P>So good to hear from someones who know what is going on and wants to help. I've been lurking around here and at DivorceBusters for the last 7 months. I have been through this whole site and done alot of reading. Up until the "revelation" 2 nites ago of her involvement I have been doing my best not to lovebust and had actually seen her come around a few times and actually give me a hug. We would say goodbye and I Love you when she would leave for work.(There has been no intimacy between us since a year ago last sept. In the beginning, when she would refuse sex, she would tell me It was not me but issues from the past. Having multiple partners, rape, incest with her father. I told her I understood but managed to lovebust a number of times as our relationship began to go down the drain. I know now that I did the wrong things but keep trying to give her space to work it out. She made one attempt to see a councelor but we have had such financial burdens she just dropped it)<BR>For the last three weeks I began to notice her take an abrubt turn away from all the little things I was beginning to see hope in. She says that she feels I will get the wrong impression and she doesn't want to lead me on. Even her kids and relatives were making comments about her lack of information in her comings and goings. Then 2 weeks ago thursday she leaves a note that she is going away for the night and will be back friday to go pick up her boys. BAM!!!! I really feel I should start a plan B but fear if I do I will never see her again. I want her to know I will not stand for an adultress affair. I've read Dobson's book "Love must be tough" and actually started a letter to her and one to her "friend" I just don't know when or if the right time will pop up.<BR>If anyone is interested I can post them for your feedback. I found that just writing them made me feel better about my future, whatever happens. Hey, I read both your profiles and I am adding my prayers to all the others for His will to be done. Please, those of you that do so, Pray for us. I will be attending a Men's Retreat tomorrow night with all the members of my band and am looking for God to speak to me and give me some comfort for now and my thoughts of the future. I will post again. This Is a great place! and I feel better just talking about my life. I might even someday be able to help in return.<BR> <P>------------------<BR>John

hello there, you do have a good chance! keep up the prayers! ask GOD to reveal his will to you!? dont make the mistake of asking GOD to do what YOU want. maybe he has better and bigger plans! ( remember Jonah!?) I wish you the best in your situation!<BR>arf<BR>

I have gone through exactly what you have. You are not alone and I know how horrible it can be. The only thing that I can offer that might be positive is that my situation was more dismal and bleak and yet I am still married. You do have a chance. I knew that I was going to be headed for divorce and yet it did not happen. I pray every day that the marriage will improve as we have not healed yet or even identified the hurt that we both have but we are back together. I will pray for you.<P>Sean

MM,<BR> First, GET BACK TO CHURCH!! YOU GO. (and W if she will). You need Christian support and to "seek God first" With him all things are possible!!! God WILL drive you to you knees, to bring you back if need be. And if God isn't working in your life, I GUARANTEE Satan is!! <BR> I have a question or two. How old are you and your W? When your W first started to withdraw sexually did you push, pout or vent? Did this happen during or just after her "one attempt to see a councilor"<BR> My W did the same thing RIGHT after she and her councilor came up with the idea there may have been sexual abuse. Sometimes I wonder if these guys just lay EVERYTHING they can't figure out on that!! <BR> Was it a Christian councilor?<BR> Depending on her age it may be a "midlife" crisis or maybe it's something to do with children? Do you have any? Just a thought. Stay in plan "A" as long as you can without hurting yourself. Hang in there bud, it's not easy. Things can go up and down VERY quickly!! It's a REAL ride. It may look bleak right now, but if you BOTH survive the ride, you will have a stronger relationship with God and a stronger marriage. As everyone here says: "it ain't over till....<BR> You are all in my prayers. FRANK<P>------------------<BR>desperate<BR>"If yesterday didn't stop today, Why should TODAY stop tomorrow??" <BR>"Wisdom is why!!"<P>

To Please Help,<P>Thanks for the post. I am 49 and my 2nd wife just turned 37. I pushed, before councel. I also ranted early on, about a year ago. Finally relented and accepted. We now sleep in seperate bedrooms. I got weird with myself in the fantasy area. Never hardly got enough sleep. When we were sleeping together I could never contain myself.<BR> Yes God is drawing me back to Him and I know He is doing the same for my wife. Faith says so! I will be at church tonight for a mens retreat with the other three members of a band that I play in . I have been able through the prayers of many here and in the band to really let go and let God. My whole perspective and focus have changed from being focused on the problem and what I wanted to what God wants. Nothing else matters that much anymore. I am experiencing a "Holy Buzz" if you will understand. The Holy Spirit is now powerfully at work for God's will to be done. I am first and foremost "married to God". All of the rest is in His Hands. I have no room for what might be, only that He is in control and no man can stop Him. Only an awesome realization of who we all belong to. Now I really am rambling and I must go to work.<P>Thanks again for the reply <P>------------------<BR>John<p>[This message has been edited by MusicMan (edited November 05, 1999).]