Had an upstanding citizen decide that they needed my laptop more than I did.

Have been reading from my phone but could not post with my fat fingers.Dusted off the desk top!

FWW's company party is coming up and the POSOM's brother comes to the party as do other retirees.

Last year we had to endure the updates about POSOM who also used to work there. I have not discussed this with FWW.

Question:

Is talking to her about how this makes me uncomfortable violating my agreement not to bring up her A?

POSOM has not worked there in over 10 years and did not leave the company on good terms.

He won't be there and the brother does not know about his brother and my wife having an A.

As far as we know no one there does.
The A started after both the brother and POSOM had left the company. (Thank You Face Book!)

We both have enjoyed her company parties over the years but the one last year was brutal.

I don't want to hear this guy talk about POSOM. The retired brother is a nice guy but it is his brother.

Do I say anything to him or just try and avoid him altogether.

We could not go of course but I can't stand the thought of allowing this nightmare to cast a shadow over my life forever.

If we discuss this in advance we could form a plan to deal with it or even expose to the brother.

There has been NC since the one e-mail I intercepted a couple of weeks after D-day.

If the brother does not know and starts questioning his brother I don't want to have the POSOM drawn back into trying to contact FWW.

I exposed to close family and friends. I did not expose to her work.

I thought in the beginning the main reason for exposure was to kill an on going A.It died on D-day so I did not expose any further.

POSOM seems to have slithered on so I am torn about exposure to his brother. Thoughts?

I would not go to the party.

Why swim upstream?

Go out for a nice dinner instead

I concur, although I understand your frustration with the A continuing to take things away from you. Maybe make it more than dinner, a night you celebrate together with a Christmas play or concert, carriage ride through the park...idk just saying you could replace one thing you looked forward to with something else to look forward to each year.

Also, I do NOT think bringing this up to your FWW violates any agreements to not talk about the A. It is not rehashing, but is dealing with a real time trigger that can easily be avoided if you discuss and agree to a different plan.

Otherwise she could be getting an affair high from hearing about OM

How do you know OMB does not know?

You don't.

Telling the OMB to not talk about the OM in front of you could result in the OMB honoring your request. Though for him to do so would need for him to be knowledgeable on how to handle affairs an their fallout. Most likely he does not have such knowledge.

What can happen is the OMB talking and asking every one there at the party did you know if OM slept with this WW.

Best to not go to this party.

I don't care how good the eggnog is, you have better options than going to the party.

"Dear, I would like to spend time with you privately instead of mingling at a social event with numerous people I don't know. Would you prefer Chez Zowie, or The Ruptured Calf Bar-B-Que ?"

Fighting the current masks the pain? I like the dinner idea though, thanks!

I asked about the guest list and the brother is not coming this year.
So I guess it will be safe to go.
I think we would be better off going somewhere instead of staying home. We would both be thinking about why we were not at the party.
Thank you for the clarification unwritten. I am trying really hard not to rehash things.

Oh man that would have been a nightmare! I did not think about that,thank you!

NG
You are right.
I guess I was seeking validation for what I already knew. If the brother were to be there neither one of us would have enjoyed the evening.

It will never get completely out of your mind will it?

After all the discussion we decided not to go to the company party after all.
Just found out yesterday that POSOM and brother are coming. Whew... Road, NG,UW,JK,
Thanks for saving me a nightmare!!

Glad that you avoided the NC buzz saw.

Wle2,

By not exposing the OM you have left all these land mines for you to step on.

My experience has been that the betrayed spouse wanders around in fear while the OM or OW just goes on with their life. Exposure is more about freeing you from this punishment of the victim.

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma,
Think you for explaining this to me.
I did not understand that part of exposure when I stopped so early. I thought that it was only to kill the A.
My thinking at the time was since FWW's A ended on D-day and she was running back and since POSOM was in another state I did not need to continue, mistake as I am still finding out.
I don't know what I would have done with out you guys here!
I have gone back and reread all the books and still read on other's threads.
I know we would be further along if I had not skipped steps.

Note to other's.. Stick to the plan, don't deviate!
Wle2

I have not had any luck getting the FWW to start her own thread. She says she is not ready for the heat she thinks she will get.
I know it would be beneficial for the both of us were she to jump in!
She does read a lot of the threads here we have talked about them. I have assured her that all of the people here are pulling for us to make it to R and not to worry about the chastisement, I for one STILL NEED all of the help I can get!
I will keep encouraging her to start her own thread.
Besides you guys have helped me stay out of the ruff so many times she should come here just to thank all ya'll!

If she's a true FORMER wayward she shouldn't worry. It's the unrepentant wayward or the enabling betrayed that usually feel the heat.

We are nice.

wle2,

I just read your thread.

I don't believe we will ever get it completely out of our heads. If you've ever lost a loved one, parent or child, you never forget where you were when you found out. The pain of the moment does fade.

Enjoy dinner with the wife. Company parties aren't much fun anyways.

Thank's TTS we will!
Your story an mine are so similar. Hurts like Hell and I prolonged it by not exposing more earlier.
I have finely gotten to the point where I don't re-hash her A thanks to the fine posters here.
I also was date obsessive but that now has gone away. except for 8/10/2011
Don't worry about snooping, complete and blind trust is very , very over rated!
With EP in place and RH w/ transparency I don't need trust.
Good luck to you

Just wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas before the crazy
weekend starts.
The FWW and I going to have a great one thanks to MB!

Since both my DD's didn't listen to me when I asked them to

marry orphins

the FWW and I will be alone Christmas night.

She wants us to watch the video we ordered from MB.

Merry Christmas indeed!