After months and months of this back/forth and I don't know from him... the other day I wanted to talk to him about the POSOW because she told lies and wants this divorce to happen for us so badly that she is instigating... I was upset. I am tired of limbo. He said he would call me back later when we both could talk. And he did not. This is his pattern. Lets not discuss. And then just blow me off. This has been happening since July. In Sept he wanted to "see how it goes" but for 3 months all we did was talk on the phone about nonsense. Anytime the relationship came up all the red flags were there. Then she lied. I demanded he get rid of her now. He did not. He claims they "only talk" and I do not believe this at all. Even so, he should NOT be in ANY contact. So I told him her or me. Nothing.

When he blew off the talk I think it clicked for me. This is enough now. And I told him to leave me alone. He called to say he did not blow me off. Had an excuse. He has a lot of them actually. And said if I still wanted to talk we would but I have to call him. I did not. So he called several times. Sometimes left messages but most of the time didn't.

His messages were about how he gets I am tired of his garbage and that I don't want to talk to him but that he was worried about me and if I was ok so to please call him. I did not.

He called several times.

Then his Mom invited me to CHristmas. I told her he was bringing skank to meet everyone. That he should have been the one to tell her he did not want to get back together b/c he doesn't want to give her up.

Now he's silent too.

I feel relieved I guess... I don't have to deal with this knot in my stomach.

I never wanted my marriage to end. But it never would have survived if he didn't get her out of his life.

So I am working on me now... going away next week.

Do they ever wake up? Truly? Or is that just a fantasy? I am beginning to feel like she is the real thing and I am the backup. I just can't live like that.

Its scaring me that he's silent too.

And I know this is the right thing because whether I stayed the doormat or not he was still with her. So I was getting nothing from him and no progress was made.

But the silence from him is scary. How long does that last? The being scared part...

Did you go into Plan B?

Give him a Plan B letter?
Have an IM?
Change locks and contact numbers?

Good for you for getting away from his abuse.

Loki, I'm so glad if you really are going into Plan B! Do the things that Brainy girl said and get yourself into a dark Plan B. My offer as an IM still stands.

You will start to feel much better when you don't have to deal with a wayward.

~RQ

I didn't give him a plan B letter. I am in the process of writing it. We have no IM but don't need one, there's no reason to speak. He lives with his Mom. All his mail goes there now. The locks are being changed before the new year, I took the keys from him back in July. I didn't change numbers. I highly doubt he will fight me on this. He was on the fence so long and treated me like buddy not a wife... he would say he loves me didn't want to lose me etc but then he refused to get rid of her. So there was no way. I would have stayed there forever. I just don't pick up, I have caller ID.

This hurts and scares me. I keep thinking maybe THIS will knock him off the damn fence... But then I think of how long this has gone on and how everytime he loses me he plays the game and then ends up right back with her because he keeps in touch with her. He even read about it... but still refused to end all contact. He really isn't getting it at all. This is so serious and he just doesn't get it.

Why would he change anything? He is enjoying his cake eating and hasn't faced any consequences.

Does the entire family know about his affair? Has it been exposed to everyone? I think it is absolutely disgusting that his family is allowing him to bring his mistress to a family holiday party. Perhaps you need to cut contact with them as well.

They know. It's exposed. His Mom is allowing her now because I said we're done. I said he was bringing her to meet them. He never told them that.

ANd you're right, no consequences.

Did I just push them closer?

It seems like it went like this:

I give up, he pulls me back says its me he wants... he gets me to soften and then he's right back to his games and not knowing what he wants.

I walk away.. . and he runs after me and then leaves her only to get right back with her.

This last time I knew. We were discussing how our families would feel about us getting back. We were discussing how to work through the issues. Then one day he started saying it was unfixable and he was confused about what to do. He doesn't want to MARRY her he said and he doesn't want to lose me. This went back and forth for a month while she's lying about me and scheming and I had enough. I told him for over a week he was losing me... so he just stopped talking to me or calling. He says it was because he didn't want to talk about things anymore... and I really had nothing to lose. Stay, let my heart get knocked around for a while and I healed all this over the summer I do not want the depression etc back... Or go and let them have each other. Either way he was going to be with her anyway.

They are enabling him.

They are feeling oh so sorry for his confusion and how torn he is about me or the skank...

They do not pressure him.

I knew I had to go dark when I began to feel hatred.

They are enabling him. They are feeling oh so sorry for his confusion and how torn he is about me or the skank... They do not pressure him.

Kiddo, in the broader view, you are likely to be well quit of this coven of immoral knuckle-draggers.

Loki,

Please do a proper Plan B. Even seeing his number on the caller ID will hurt you and keep you stuck. You need to be as dark as possible or you will go back to contact and never heal.

Do you have children?
Did you see RQ's offer to be an IM?

I keep feeling panicky that's normal right? I told his Mom that we are not getting back. That he should have told her not me. That he cut me off and I figured it was so he can bring HER to Christmas... I even told her to be careful the woman has no scruples. His Mom is taking me seriously too, more than he does. He just doesn't respond. She told me I will always be a part of the family and this woman will not replace me in her heart... And stuff along those lines. He has been silent ever since.

ANd this panic I feel is normal right?

He was saying he didn't want to be with her forever but he didn't want to let her go either... so I had to do it.

How long do you think before it blows up? She's a basket case... and she is not what he wants in a partner he "claims"... but I am not sure he will do anything now.

I didn't plan to go to plan b it just happened.

I am going to do the letter.

We have no ties. No children. No common friends.

Yes the panicky feeling is very normal. Have you been to your doctor for some ADs and/or anxiety meds? Dr. Harley strongly recommends them because this is such a very stressful life.

Have you asked MIL to put pressure on him to end his affair?

When you're in Plan B you must protect yourself. You will need to tell those around you to not tell you anything about the affair or your WH and OW.

Let OW have all the work to meet ALL his ENd. If you're out of the picture they will only have each other to blame. Dr. H says most affairs die a natural death. A very small percentage last past 5 years without the APs abusing each other and/or cheat on each other.

Your job is to take care of yourself and heal and remain dark.

Yes but she doesn't. No one does. He's the baby. She has said the woman can't come to the house or anything until we are over. So I gave the ok now.

I keep feeling panicky that's normal right?

Absolutely! Think about it....you once had a life in which you and WH were to be paired forever, faithful to each other unto death. He has basically chosen (yes, CHOSEN) to abrogate that sacred contract with you and begin a life of immorality and sin with OW1. (She's not likely to be his ideal mate, so we might as well start the canonical listing now.)

The point is that you are forced to conceive of, and actually embark on, an entirely new life. Life does not throw more unsettling situations at us, so "panicky" is a wholesome reaction.

It would have been kinder had WH been run over by a semi, or some such fate. There would be no "But what about...." with a corpse. Plan B lets you "kill off" WH from your active consciousness.

In the game that's being played out, WH has made his move; it is now your turn. You have located a great bunch of "coaches" here, all former players of one type or another. Listen to them, be brave, and start living your new life.

Yes, time to start living YOUR life Loki. I know it is hard in the beginning because you feel that withdrawal from your WH. But it is far past time to start being respectful to yourself and put boundaries on how you are treated. Plan B is about respecting yourself, not trying to make the WH change. It's about saying "I refuse to be treated this way and I will not ALLOW it!"

Do not make someone your priority while remaining their option.

It's about saying "I refuse to be treated this way and I will not ALLOW it!"


This is almost exactly what I said to him a week ago, he ignored me. But until now I have been wishy washy.

Now I just think I can walk now and they can be together or I can stay with this game indefinitely and they can be together.

The only thing I am losing is the daily heartache.

Because you say it...but don't mean it. He knows that. You have to be able to back it up. Empty threats mean nothing. Say what you mean and do what you say.

And its funny that I got so used the daily drama and chaos that I am missing it a little... I mean I don't want it back, I have a list of what MUST happen if he wanted to reunite some day... but I know if he called me today, he would be saying what he thinks I want to hear.