I could write pages on my feelings and what A, my wife, has told me and the discussions that we have had. As matter of fact I started to do just that but its too much so I will keep it as brief as possible.

The reason I am here is because I acknowledge that I have not met my wife's needs. I have been totally loyal and faithful to her for 8 years but in Dr Harley's terms her Love Bank is close to the red.

I would appreciate any guidance you fine people could give. My attitude at this point is that I will do ANYTHING to save this marriage. I love my wife so very much and I don't think I have the room in my heart to ever love another as much as her. I know that this isn't all my fault as she has acknowledge but it seems like I'm the only one willing to do something to fix it.

At this point her attitude is that she isnt sure if she wants to work things out and she isnt sure if she is in love with me or not. I can live with her not being sure about being in love with me because I know in my heart that I can meet her needs and she will love me again but this whole business on not being sure if she want to work things out is the kicker for me.

We have shared so much together and we have sacraficed so much for each other over the years. We have 2 beautiful children whom we love greatly. It tears my heart apart that she could even consider not working things out after all this time and without taking into account what it would do to our children and their future relationships. I can understand that attitude if I was in denial about our relationship and thought I had done nothing wrong but all I can think about since she told me we had a problem is what can I do to make her feel better.

I'm so frustrated because its like she cant make up her mind, one week we are going to work things out, the next we may not be able to. And forget about marriage counseling she is totally opposed to it. When I found this website and began to read what Dr Harley has to say I thought, wow, this makes sense. So I showed it to her and as soon as i did she said she was going to go stay at her moms because it made her upset that would even suggest reading his website.

I am so lost, she says she needs attention and affection and then a few days later she tells me I'm smothering her and that I need to give her space, so I do and then she wants to cuddle and hold hands and have me rub her back. She says she needs time alone away from me so I offer to leave for a couple of days she doesnt want that, I offer to let her leave a couple of days she doesnt want that. She is going to her best friends tonight, I told her she should stay a couple of days if she wants to and she says no i will miss you and the kids. I'm getting so many mixed signals I dont know what to do anymore.

I have been trying to treat her like I did when we were dating, leaving her little notes, writting her letters (not even love letters just telling her how wonderful she is and how much i admire her) and its like she doesnt care she will say thanks and go on about her day like the letters or notes didnt matter. This all makes me want to scream I just want to do something, anything is better than being stuck in limbo.

After reading His Needs Her Needs I cant help but wonder if maybe some of our problems are due to financial needs bc we hardly make enough money to get from pay check to pay check and we both work and I have asked her if she would wishes she didnt have to work and she says she likes to work. I believe that she likes to work because she is a nervous wreck if she stays home with the kids more than 1 day.

Now she wants to go back to school, which is fine I support her in anything but if she feels like we dont have enough time together as it is then how could that even remotely be a good idea? I work, and Im in school to become a pharmacist and now she is wanting to go to school and work?!?!?!? I feel like I'm going crazy!!

Welcome to MB.

It sounds like your W isn't in love with you anymore. Her needing space is a red flag. She shouldn't be leaving. Do you know what her top ENs are?

Do you know if she is talking with any men?

Have you seen this?
How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

Welcome to MB CV.

Sorry you find yourself in this situation.

First and foremost have you ruled out the possibility of an affair (physical or emotional)? You'll be wasting your time trying to meet her needs if she's infatuated with someone else.

If no A then good.

I suspect you aren't meeting the right ENs for her. Has she ever communicated what hers are?

Have you read up on LoveBusters? What, if any, LB's were you committing and/or are continuing to commit?


Are you saying you need a guarantee from her? Or just that these facts are eating away at you?

It sounds like you�re driving yourself nuts. This is the time you need to have patience and perseverance. A good Plan A is very sacrificing and it is essential to not only entice her back but to engrain long term habits and behaviors. Thus you won�t return to your old self.

How long have you been trying to Plan A your W?

Yes I have, but I got the impression that it takes both spouses to do that, not just one.

Did you read my entire post? I understand you are trying to help but I just don't see how you get she isn't in love with me any more.

Because when a wife is in love with her husband she "doesn't need time away from him to think"' If you're each other's favorite RC you will always want to be together.

Is she talking to any OM?

Here you said it yourself.

She has always been the type to go off on her own when she is stressed, this is nothing new in the relationship. Her reasoning for staying at her moms is that she needs peace and quiet so that she can think about our relationship and figure out what she wants to do.

She has also always had male friends that she texts infrequently.

What do you think about this article?
How to Make Your Wife Happy

How much UA time are you getting?

How much is infrequently? Do you know these OM?

Have you seen this?
Are "Friends" a Threat to Your Marriage?

I can see myself doing some of those things in that article. I have always been the self sacrificing type. When I look back over the years I know that our #1 issue has always been my need for sex. I know that after reading His Needs Her Needs and some of these articles that my lack of fulfillment of her needs has lead to her lack of fulfillment of my needs. I get all that and it all make sense.

I know that my OP was a bit jumbled because I was trying to fit a ton of info into a small post and I wasn't clear on what I wanted exactly. What I want to know is what do I do at this point? Do I follow what Dr. Harley has said and begin to try to meet her needs(or what i think her needs are) even though she is opposed to doing any type of counsel or any type of commitment to work things out? Or do I respect her wishes and give her the space she is asking for? It wouldn't be very hard if she would make up her mind and stuck with it but I don't think she really knows what she wants at this point...

I get the impression that she feels like her mind is a jumble and she cannot even being to process her feelings for me because she is so stressed and uncertain. I think that is why she wants time away, but the problem is the kids... She is a mother and her instincts tell her to take care of the kids and she will deal with this when she gets a chance.

She has always been honest with me and I know that affairs can spring up at a moments notice but I cannot believe that she is having one, my heart tells me she isn't. As far as texting guys, it is specifically two guys. I know them both one is her best friends husband and I know for a fact that her best friend knows that they text and is ok with it and the other is a friend that she used to work with that she thinks of as a little brother.

As far as UA time, kids are in bed at 8:30 and we usually go to bed at 10:30 so all that time is spent together all week long except on the weekends and sometimes we may go to dinner or something or sometimes we just stay home bc of lack of funds.

To be honest, I feel like I'm loosing her to her best friend who is a girl more than anything. She texts her ALL DAY when they wake up in the morning to when they go to bed at night. I know that it is her friend bc I have glimpsed at texts and from time to time look at who she is texting to.

What do you want?

If you know the answer then you do WHATEVER is necessary to create that. That means following DR. Harley's principles to the letter. You show your W with your words and your actions what you want.

"I want this M and I want you. I am going to do all the things necessary to create a romantic, ever-lasting love. I�m sorry if you feel smothered but from now on I am going to behave like a good husband should behave. Giving you space isn�t going to get me what I want nor give the marriage the fighting change it needs�.

CV I hope she isn�t getting her most important needs met by these other guys. If conversation, admiration and/or affection are big on her list these are your responsibilities.

You�d do well to snoop without her knowing so you can get to the bottom.

If there is no affair then ...


Stop seeing and DO!!!!!!!!!!!

I know that beyond a doubt I want things to work I'm just not very confident by nature and I'm doubtful that they can if I'm the only one willing to follow Dr. Harley's advice...


Like I said I am suspicious of her because I am very insecure at this time. I do not think that she would hide an affair from me.



I mean that I see myself letting her get her way all the time.

It sounds very much like she is having an affair. She has fallen out of love and needs to "get space" so she can have an affair without interference. Obviously no one needs to go live somewhere else to "think," that is just a ruse.

So that is your first step. Do some sleuthing and find out who the affair is with. Don't confront her, but come back here with the intel and we will give you next steps.

I am sorry, but she is having an affair. Possibly with her best friend's husband. Your "heart" cannot tell you that. It is time to put aside your emotions and start doing some sleuthing so you can get the truth.

Ah sorry for the confusion. The message, as you may have interpreted, was get busy doing what you need to to fix your marriage.

Heck yeah one person can fix the marriage. One person can fix the marriage even if there�s an affair involved. It happens all the time if you apply the principles taught here. Stop with the naysayer thoughts and be positive. Get your mind right and get busy.

Melody is the person to listen to here. She�s up on general EN and LB principles and knows a ton about busting up affairs.

Please follow her advice and please keep posting. You�ll thank everyone later for it.

BTW there's such thing as an Emotional Affair which is just as damaging as a physical one. Your W appears to be involved in an EA.

I'm at work now, I am going through the phone bill and trying to figure out who she is texting and when. So far 2 numbers show up that I don't recognize.

We used to know each other's passwords for everything but have no clue any longer. I thought about downloading a key logger for my pc so I could figure out her FB password but I think if anything is going on its over the phone thru text.

I would really focus on her best friends husband. Does she ever use your PC? If so, I would slap a keylogger on it. Can you get into her facebook account? Can you get your hands on her phone?

Never puts down phone except to sleep, it is an iphone w/pword. I wont rule out the best friends husband but I think thats a long shot because of distance and little opportunity to see him.

It's the electronic age my friend. Distance doesn't mean a thing nowadays.