My husband and I are 10 days post DD. My affair ended before Thanksgiving, but I was caught talking to another man and that is how I came to admit my affair that ended less than a month ago. When I first got caught I lied about a lot of things and after a couple of days I decided I would be better off to tell him everything. It was hard, my story went from telling him I was only with the man twice to the truth which was on six different occasions. I am very regretful and trying to let my husband know I want to work on our marriage. I try to tell him what I was missing in our marriage and let him know by no means did any of that give me an excuse to have an affair, but he doesn't want to hear any of it. Anytime I mention how I felt about our marriage I get met with that I am being selfish and I am trying to blame him and I am pointing fingers, but I have not once told him that I have put any blame on him for me having the affair. I just don't know what to do. I feel if I am honest with him about my feelings I am giving the affair validation, which is not what I want. What should I or can I do?

Will he come here?

Take a poly for him.

Have you been STD tested?

You mean come to this message board? I doubt it, but I will mention it to him. I have offered to take a poly. I have not been STD tested yet, but I do plan on it.

Have you written NC to both OM?

Have you changed all contact information?

What just compensation have you given your BH?

Are the OM married?

I'm not going to take a lot of time or space giving you in-depth advice. First thing you do is take a hiatus from this board and read ALL the material on the web site. You say you want to save your marriage, get busy.

As a BH, I'll give you a a little insight from my perspective:



This probably did as much or more damage than the adultery. If there's ANYTHING else that you're hiding, spit it out now. It will come out eventually.


Stop this crap RIGHT NOW!


All of a sudden, you value honesty in your relationship? That's gonna be a hard sell for a LONG, LONG time, sister.

Of course you're validating your affair; there's no other reason for you to be bringing this up right now. Stop it. You're driving a pointed shovel into his gut every time you try to bring up the perceived grievances/reasons that led to your adultery.

Read the material on this web site. Order the book Surviving an Affair. Read. Study. Follow MB direction and come back to this board to let some of the veterans guide you through the process.

Meanwhile, stop doing even more damage.

Order SAA and read this.

Steps to Recover from an Affair/Infidelity in a Marriage

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

GO comes closest to the game-plan to attempt to repair what you broke, my friend, so pay particular attention to EVERY step he gave you.

But in a larger, more theoretical focus, I draw your attention to this:

I feel if I am honest with him about my feelings I am giving the affair validation,

Regardless of what your "feelings" are.....your BH doesn't care, and we certainly don't care. Your "feelings" are obviously worth nothing right now, as your "feelings" led you to drop your panties for another man. That FACT is the one that BH is struggling with accommodating, not some new-age self-esteem crap about your feelings. Right now your only concern must be, "What do you need, BH?", "How can I help you heal, BH?", and "What can I do to show you I intend to clean up my act, BH?"

Which brings us back to GO's list. Do every one of them, and keep us advised as to how you're doing.

And just because I'm particularly edgy about the Mayan Apocalypse arriving soon.....I don't even like your alias. "Lovetheworld"? How about concentrating on "LovingYourhusband"?

Don't just 'offer.' Many BS's come here willing to stay and work on a marriage wrought with infidelity, but quickly lose their energy as more damage is done with the lack of ACTION to recover. You need to more than just suggest or offer. You need to DO.

Schedule the poly today. Tell your BS that you have scheduled one and ask him to give you a list of questions he needs answered. If he doesn't, create one yourself based on the questions you would ask if you were the BS. Get the STD test tomorrow, and hand results to your BS. Write the NC letter and ask your BS to review and mail with you together. Do all the GO recommended to ensure no contact. Gather all belongings that might be triggering your BS and show him the bag as you haul it to the dumpster. If it is the house, call a realtor to find out your options for selling it. If it is a car, list it for sale.

Get my drift? You came here looking for ways to help your BS, you have already been given many. But these are action items. It is up to you to act on them, if you really want to help your husband heal.

And welcome to MB. Stick around, if you can make it through the fire you will come out the other side a better woman with a better marriage than you have ever had.

Welcome to MB you have received great advice so far. Please take on board GO's advice he has walked in your shoes and recovered his marriage.

You need to be proactive to show your BH you are sincere about recovery. ACTIONS speak louder than words.

I have not written a NC to either. The one I actually had the affair with, just never contacted me again one day. I knew his wife was getting suspicious so I assume either she found out or it was becoming to risky for him. The OM I had just started talking to was only in chat and I just deleted that account so he had no other way to get into contact with me.

I have changed all contact information.

What do you mean compensation? I had him install a gps tracker app on his phone so he can see where I am at, I deleted my Facebook account, I am doing something called 30 days of encouragement where I write him something everyday about how much he means to me or what I want to do different to try to make this work.

Both OM are married.

I have ordered the book.

Good. Did you read the article about Just compensation?

I have no problem with him exposing the affair. I feel I deserve the humiliation and everything that comes along with it, but he does not want it exposed, he does not want ANYONE to know. So, what should I do in this situation?

You said "both OM are married". You had two different affairs?

At minimum OMW with the PA should be told?
How where did you meet OMPA?

Maybe after you get the SAA book and you can show your BH things that needs to be done post affair it will convince him to expose OMW.

Then if he likes what Dr Harley says then you can get BH to try a phone couseling session.

regretfull, I would start by stopping the blame game. When a person is sorry they don't tend to cite the wrongdoings of others. He knows you are blaming him and it is insulting when you blame him and then insist "but I am not blaming you!" That is not going to work with a person who uses logic.

You had an affair because you have poor boundaries with men. And yes, the marriage probably wasn't perfect, but before you start working on that, I would give him at least a couple of seconds to stop bleeding. He has been dealt a shock that is traumatic as rape or physical assault.

A better way to approach it is to get the book Surviving an Affair, read it together and go through this program.

While he is getting over his shock, I would focus on exposing your affairs and setting up a transparent, affair proof marriage.

Have your affairs been exposed? Have you ended all contact with these losers?