Thank you Bh

Yes you can see how traumatic this is on little children

But Daddy is here for her, her Rock..

Praying for you Jedi, you are doing what real men do. Suffer WITH their children, and not leaving them alone.

I watched the Steve Wilkos show on tv tonight and that lady went from crying to anger and screaming and back and forth continually.
Very similar to my ex wife during her affair.
Steve asked her, how can you change emotions so fast?

He uses a lie detector on all the guests to see who is telling the truth

They are called "moodswings" and are caused by instability of Affect.

It's another hallmark of BPD.

Gerald,

I finally stopped accepting my wife's apologies.
She would politely say, "I'm sorry" and I would reply "I dont accept your apology while you have an ongoing affair"
She would then say. Angrily F*** You! I hope you rot in hell!

Then she would storm off and come back 5 minutes later and do it again!

When I went to AlAnon they explained that is a trait of adult children of alcoholics.
It was always hot and cold with her. No lukewarm behavior.
Electric fence, or BPD or acoa...I don't know. I've thought about all the selfish suffering her adultery put us through. But in some ways, it actually helped me become a better man and father.
It certainly saved my kids from a number of paranoid fears. My dad told me last night, as we were talking about signin the kids up for swim lessons and my son is terrified of swimming because my ex wife told him the YMCA allowed a young boy to drown in the pool and sink to the bottom. (I have asked the Y and neighbors and they don't know anything about this. It probably happened far away). My son is terrified of the pool.
My dad told me," She really f***d those kids up. I can see how kids can be brainwashed in a dictatorship"

And he's right. AlAnon taught me that my perception of reality and thinking patterns were also SICK.

I think if I was to consider ever being involved with her again I would have to wait until my kids were grown. Unless she somehow gets partial custody. In that case, Dr Harley recommends I plan A indefinitely.
Te court said she has supervised visitation until she has a residence an a letter from a doctor that she is fit to be with the kids unsupervised.
She has never been able to maintain a job or even apartment and I have heard Dr Harley say that most people with personality disorders can't keep jobs so if she doesn't get help I will be safe.

That happened a couple summers ago, I think in my area of the country. It was a city pool, I believe, not necessarily YMCA but perhaps some other community organization.
I would research it a little and assuage your kid's fears with factual information backed up by an assurance that you would never let something like that happen to him. Contrast what happened to what is reality at the pool he's going to and stay the first few times if possible.

When I was a kid my parents had a trip planned to New York. I just happened to see a documenary about gang violence in NY the week before they were to leave. I was terrified. All it took was for my mom to assure me that they would never go to any area where they didn't feel safe.

You're doing great and I don't mean to tell you anything you already know.

Opt

I'll research it and discuss it with my son.

Framingham Ma, July 2011.

that will get you started.

opt

Someone on this board posted he went searching for the spider hand in hand with his daughter. Why not face irrational fears together, father and Sun?


Wayward fog on top of subtance abuse on top of childhood trauma. At that stage I wonder anyone could possibly know.

I spoke with the YMCA employee today, with my son.i explained that my son had some concerns he would like to discuss and we discussed them.
After the lady explained the safety procedures my son seemed satisfied with the explanation.

I agree Gerald wayward "fog", acoa, BPD. One could spend their entire day trying to figure it out, then start over the next day.

I'm trying to just focus on me and the kids.

Good job Jedi. Way to make your son feel safe and great way to do it.

Tonight the kids said, Mommy said that you dont have to talk to her if she comes here for Christmas, it would just be for us kids.

I answered that mommy left us for another man and that the court said we need to visit her at the visitation center. My son disagreed and said mommy told him that she can come for Christmas and it was my decision.
I calmly answered and said that I am very sorry that their parents are divorced but that we dont have control over mommys actions.
But we have to follow the court rules and the judge gave mommy a list of things to do so that the kids could be with her more and it is up to her to do them.
I made it clear that I am sad she left to be with another man and she will not be here for Christmas.

They told me that I ruined their Christmas but seemed to calm down within a few minutes.

I'd bet money that this is what your W was counting on. They won't understand now, but they will later, and they will be thankful to you for it.

It's frustrating because I am being portrayed as the mean daddy That won't let mommy come home for Christmas.

What worries me is the possibility of her just showing up at the door.
My plan has been and remains to call the police if she does but that would be traumatic for the kids.

Good job for not retaliating with anger towards your kids. They will understand one day!

This is tough Jedi I know..WW does not have a sign hanging around her neck that says "BPD", or one that explains to the kids that she needs help, and has a sickness..

All you can do is be kind and within the law, about how you treat her, and not let it get to you..

The children will understand eventually, and applaud your patience sir, as we do..

Well I don't know if she actually is mentally ill.
Because numerous posters have pointed out that they had similar issues but decided to follow Dr Harleys program and have done so successfully.


I've thought about this a lot. She was severely neglected by me. I dedicated all of my energy into work.
If I would have shown more care for her, who knows where we would be today.
The flip side is that I also would of had to be responsible and make some unilateral decisions regarding health and safety; when Children Services investigated our family they insisted that the children be seen by dentists and medical doctors. That would have created Love Busters for my wife.

I am very sorry for the neglect I committed against our marriage and before she left I did apologize to her.

Logically I need to focus on my children and our future together. But these days are difficult; when someone leaves they leave their footprints all over the house and its full of memories.

I really look forward to foreclosure so I can move and start over with the kids

Question:
Dr Hatley says a woman can get sick if she does plan A got more than 3 to 6 weeks.
Did I make my ex wife sick though neglect? Physically and or mentally?

I wrestle with this too. My wife shows serious signs of BPD (creating drama, needs to be the center of attention, doesn't value other perspectives if they differ from her own, insecure, seeks male attention to validate herself, extremely controlling, rude, manipulative, double standards, blame shifting, has her own reality/rules, justifies her actions instead of taking responsibility, views herself as faultless, struggles to connect decisions with consequences, is masterful at silent treatment and withdrawal) (no I'm not keeping a list, this is just what comes to mind when I started typing), but then I think about what I put her though. I was controlling, neglectful, disrespectful, judging, black and white, lecturing, and hard.

So what is really going on here? Did my behavior mold my wife into who she is? Probably to some degree, but then again she treated her dad the same way. Does it matter if she recognizes these things and started to make changes? Absolutely. Has she? Not really. In some ways she is better, but is she willing to completely stop and re-evaluate the way she treats people? No.

So I think this is the difference. You and I completely screwed up, did we make our wifes sick? Maybe, but after we recognized what we did and started to change and seek help it was back on our wifes to do the same, but they were stuck.

All we can do is change ourselves and meet our spouses needs, but if they won't allow that because of bitterness, then use that as an excuse for their wayward actions, then the issue is no longer us, but them.

I read a book that put this in the perspective of a co-dependent spouse living with an acoholic. Many times the acoholic will get help, and turn around, but then all of the spouses issues start to sufface because they aren't overshadowed anymore. The spouse refuses to get help or consider change because they couldn't possibly be the problem. The problems can get so great that the marriage fails, then the spouse goes and marries another acoholic.

Well a letter from ww to the kids was in today's mail.
Along with a couple pictures.
My dd wanted to show me the pictures. I told her that I did not want to see them because they make me sad.
The other 2 kids didn't show much interest.
She wrote that she loves them and that the dog really likes to swim in the lake (OM lives near a lake) and that they can write to her if they want to. She provided her moms address, not OM address.

DS again asked if mommy could come here for Christmas and I answered we have to do what the court said; that mommy just has to do a few things and then the Judge will allow her to spend more time with the kids. DS replied that mommy told him that takes a year to do.

So I don't know If she has started to take steps to meet the requirements. She never finishes anything through from beginning to end (like her alcoholic mother) so I think she is just gas lighting DS.

Dr Harley says that most affairs die within 6 months. Hers has made it a year.
Of those that don't die within 6 months, the rest die within 2 years. Only 5 percent result in marriage and those marriages have a 85% failure rate.
She told me (when she walked out the door) that she should have never gotten married. From reading Buyers Renters Freeloaders I understand she was a freeloader at that point and her Taker was in control.
Now her Giver must be in control to satisfy this boyfriend. He has serious mental health issues and regularly attempts suicide and uses illegal drugs.

Like you wrote in the posting above, we can only be responsible for our actions.
I regret neglecting her and working out of town but I don't have a time machine.
Also others have pointed out that my perception is through rose colored glasses.

One day at a time.
I have started to be extra friendly with a cashier lady at a local store I shop in weekly. I understand that Dr Harley discourages marriages while raising kids but is it acceptable to go on dates? I think of the Andy Griffith show and Andy Taylor always went on dates and had girlfriends.