Hi Everyone,

I just signed up for some sessions with MB for my husband and I to resolve our issues. I was just wondering how everyone has found the program and if you can give me some feedback as to if it helped you resolve your problems or not.

Thanks

Welcome to MB.

My W and I are currently counseling with Dr. Jennifer Chalmers (Dr. Harley's daughter).

Is it helping our marriage?

By leaps and bounds ... yes.

My H and I went through the program in 2007 and it made an amazing difference in our marriage. We learned the necessary skills to resolve our own problems.

What are the problems in your marriage?

Hi MelodyLane,

He recently told me that he is no longer in love with me, but he loves me, is attracted to me and has fun with me. He at first didn't know why but over the past 4 days we have discovered that it is due to my controlling and him letting that bottle up inside him for a few years until eventually he couldn't take it anymore. He now resents me and thinks the damage is done, so doesn't see any hope for us. He however, is willing to try counseling so I started doing research and found MB and thought this might be a better path since we have established the problem, now just have to overcome it. This site has given me lots of hope.

He said he will read through the basic concepts before our first session and also will read his needs her needs. I feel hopeful since he is willing to try something, but sometimes feel very worried since he seems to have an outcome already made up.

I can understand the state of mind he is in, so I am not expecting any drastic changes until we speak to Steve. I just really hope that he will have an impact on how hes thinking right now, at least to open his mind to believing he can be in love with me once again.

Ouch! Do you know who the woman is? The above statement means he has a new point of comparison. This is why he is not willing to work on the marriage.

I honestly know there is no one else. And he is willing or else we would not have sessions set up with MB's. I asked if things were to change, and he was happy again, would he be happy in our relationship again, and he said yes.

How do you honestly know this?

How many hours per day are you together? 24?


We have seen people actively involved in an affair go through counseling and/or Marriage Builders coaching in order to throw their spouse off, or to forestall divorce (they want to keep their wife and the mistress), or to prove they "gave it an honest shot" and the marriage couldn't be fixed, or for any number of reasons. It's extremely cruel, but it does happen.

Look, I understand you think you may be helping but you are not, you know nothing about my relationship and all I wanted was to hear your feedback on the coaching program.

<puts up hand> yep, yep, that was us. We were in counseling for an entire year before he admitted one affair that had lasted about 8 years and had finished 10 years prior. The other affairs (including the active) came out over the next few months because once I was aware of what he was capable of, I was much more alert.

I think XWH honestly never made the connection between the problems in our relationship and his adultery.

But we do know everything about affairs. And you don't. A classic sign of an affair is when a spouse says "I love you but am not in love with you." Did you know that? It is because they have a new point of comparison.

The coaching program is great, btw, and you and your husband will like Steve. He is extremely effective and is action oriented.

S B,
The huge balance of experience here is that when one spouse says that to the other (we actually refer to it as the "ILYBINILWY" spiel) it is a that the speaking spouse has diverted some of his attention to another source of the ENs that he needs.

Your forthright acceptance of your being "controlling" is also a signal of danger. Many WHs here have been discovered by beginning the EA that leads to a PA by communicating and associating with a female-alternative that would behave in a way that counters the actions that he would find unacceptable in his marriage.

So, does your husband associate in any way with a woman who would present herself as more "passive" and "accepting" than your personality? Think subordinate at work, or colleague in a regularly occurring activity - exercise, civic/church functions, etc.

Mel (and I, for that matter) are certainly not trying to stir up trouble unnecessarily. But the work through this site that she has devoted to spouses coming here, sure that their unions were pristine and inviolate, only to be disabused later of that fantasy, are what guide her suspicions.

Dear S_B,

I am sorry for the difficulties in your marriage that have brought you here. Everyone here knows just how distressing that can be.

I can understand that it is quite aggravating to come here to get feedback on how well the program works only to have people start to talk about the possibility of infidelity in your marriage.

I mean, that was not your question.

That is not what you are looking for - more doubt and tension regarding your marriage.

What you need is comfort and encouragement and direction.

The thing is, the program is amazing and works and works and works.

This is the way to fix a marriage.

This is the way to get yourself to a strong and healthy state that attracts great relationships, with spouse, children and friends.

The VERY EXPERIENCED people on this board care and give their time voluntarily to help whoever comes looking for answers, because using Dr Harley's program they do have those answers.

They do not like to see you put in a whole lot of work, time, and emotional investment on things that d not work.

The program needs to be worked on in a specific order.

First you need two partners who are free of addictions.

Affairs are an addiction.

Affairs are usually WELL hidden from the spouse

Affairs have some telltale behavior that the VERY EXPERIENCED POSTERS on this site can recognize and help you to recognize.

If you work this amazing program but have a spouse in a(hidden) affair you will wear yourself out trying to do the impossible and eventually lose your love and thus your marriage.

If instead the VETERAN POSTERS ask the hard questions up front.

They help you to know how to ensure there is no hidden addiction like an affair.
They will help you kill the affair if there should prove to be one.

Then you will move on to the marriage building program SO that you can come out of this strong, confident and enjoying healthy relationships in every area of your life.

I hope that makes sense to you. I hope you stay around as we would love to part of your healing journey.

It is a bit like the proverbial 'hole in the bucket':

We can help you put water into the bucket

BUT we cannot help you to FILL the bucket until hole is fixed.

Thinking of YOU this Christmas Season.

It is great that your spouse is willing to participate. My W and I had several private coaching sessions and we both found them very insightful. We were both "not coordinated" as we were told and some pointed suggestions and observations made our marriage much more coordinated so to speak. I feel we both have to routinely and with effort focus and refocus on the basic MB concepts.

Both you and your H will need to put the effort in, and it appears that you are both willing to do so. I wish you both the best ... And Merry Christmas !!

No one is trying to be hurtful or condemning. And they ARE being helpful.

Maybe it's moot to even say this as maybe this will come up in your counseling ... but if there is an active affair then your coaching will be in vain.

The intent of the posters is to gather information so they can be assured there isn't an active affair. I speak from experience when I say this, the MB coaching is expensive. It�s worth every penny but it is expensive. It would be a shame for you to spend all this money on a program only to have your effort thwarted because of a possible affair. If there is a hidden affair you will be wasting your money.

I believe that is all anyone was trying to say to you.

Step 1: Eliminate any possible affairs and affair proof your marriage (boundaries, protections, etc).
Step 2: Help restore the romantic love in your marriage.

It�s hard for us to say how successful you�re going to be in your coaching program when, to your point, we don�t know your relationship or anything about you. You came asking if it was helpful to us. Our replies were YES. But that provides you with no guarantees to you if you ignore some of the proper steps of the program.

If you are looking for some numbers on success rates to give you some comfort I�ve seen some of these stats in other threads.

You say your H will read HNHN and the Basic Concepts. Have you read any of Dr. Harley�s books? I would recommend the LoveBusters book for you if you haven�t read it yet.

Thank you for your replies and help.

I have spoke to my husband several times in regards to there being someone else and I know for sure that there is not anyone else. I am not being blind or naive. I know my husband and know he would never stray.

We have had now 4 sessions with Steve Harley and so far so good. No real changes yet but its still early, I know it will take time. We are going to be working together tonight discussing our EN's and tomorrow our LB's. Looking forward to it and hoping to see even a little progress soon.

We do have both HNHN and Love Busters, we are currently reading Love Busters.

We are both putting in the effort and taking it seriously. I have noticed a small change in his attitude towards the hopefulness of our marriage working out. He says since talking to Steve he does feel there is more hope and he does truly want to be in love with me again.