Back in May I lied to Dh about going to Dr when I was preggo. I was to go in for early bloodwork and i chickened out and told him i went and everything was ok. Needless to say prior to my first checkup i miscarried and hubby confronted me and i confessed my lies. We spent 4 mths barely talking and fighting, he said he couldnt trust me and wanted divorce. In oct we ended up fighting then having sex. We talked more and he started being kind and i stopped trying to make him forgive me.

Hes been on couch ever since May though he did sleep in bed a few times in Oct. he doesnt wear ring anymore or tell me he loves me or give me affection. We talk but not about us. All hell say is he needs time and he just isnt sure he can trust me. He wont do counseling and doesnt want to talk about our issues. He doesnt want to go on dates or do anything fun. Though he does do stuff for me around house and etc but I miss him and feel lonely and have apologized and i deeply mean it. Im very open with him but it just feels like he hates me and it will never get better. He hasnt mentioned divorce in mths. Any suggestions on what i can do to get him to trust me again?

Welcome Alliekat, you have come to a good place and so sorry about your miscarriage. Your story is a little puzzling and it would be good if you could flesh it out a little.

Firstly; would you be able to tell us why you were not able to tell your husband about your miscarriage?

Secondly; do you have an idea why he would have reacted the way he did? Was there anything in the history of your relationship that could have caused him to reject you at such an emotional time?

Thirdly; can you give us some more details like your ages, how long married, any other children etc. You will be able to add these details to your signature if you wish by going to 'My Stuff'.

Thanks for the tips :-)!

I have a history of miscarriage so when i got preggo again i and dh knew i would have to have blood work ( check hcg #s) asap to rule out ectopic again and as a health risk. Knowing this coupled with my fear if hearing any bad news at the time i didnt show up for my appt and skipped it thinking i was fine and would just wait till first checkup. My dh ofcourse would not be ok withthat so when he asked how bloodwork went i lied and said it went ok and my hcg numbers were good. I didnt lie about miscarriage to him just about getting bloodwork so when i miscarried he was surprised and devastated and to find out i had lied about going to dr for weeks killed him.

I knew how important honesty is to him as it should be but at the time i was just so desperate to give him a child and i wanted that baby so much! Now 7 mths later he hasnt made any moves toward divorce but our marriageis more like a roomate relationship! Its like he hates me! Im trying to be patient and hope that in time hell get over my lie but its so hard it feels like our marriage is over and hes just happy to live in the status quo. We had a super close marriage/friendship and were very honesty and open up till this. I think thats why its so hard for him

Have you apologized to your DH?

Listen to this radio clip on liars.

Radio clip on the different kind of liars

I have sincerly apoligized! He just says he doesnt feel like he can trust me and he doesnt knowif time will help or not. He acts like he hates me somedays! He basically has given me no guarentees as to whether hell be able to get passed this but i feel like 7 mths later he should know and with him not willing to work on our marriage im starting to feel like its hopless

Puzzling. If there was always honesty and truth in your relationship and you have explained that you know that your behaviour was wrong, this reaction on his part makes no sense.

Could he be suffering from depression or could this deceit have triggered emotions from elsewhere in his life?

He says now he doubts everything I say. Hehas said since thishes depressed, and he has acted as such. He just watches tv doesnt interact a whole lot, wont hang out with friends, doesnt open xmas cards hes got and hes told mehe is in a funk.

His past is full of stuff and he told me i was the firstperson he trusted with his heart and i throw it back in his face. He has always been guarded growing up in a really messed up home. He was different though with me and so loving but the minute i confessed my lie hesnot been the same. I have even thought maybe he has found someone knew since but no proof on that. Hes home right after work, has not much cell phone use and barely any texts. So if he ischeating it is only online but i havent found anything in pc history either.... So i dunno. He is a grudge holder! Hes not talked to hism mom in 7 years because she acted bad at our reception

AK,

Don't ever lie to him about ANYTHING, if you eat two ice cream cones and you told him you are losing weight, do not hid it. Please read up on radical honesty. Does he have a history of being cheated on in prior relationships or have you cheated on him?

God Bless
Gamma

No Ive never cheated on him! Hes pretty much gotten screwed over by everyone hes trusted, his ex and his parents so to be
Honest i knew lying to him was not going to end well but at the time i wasnt thinking. He was so excitied i was preggo as why i and i just was not thinking straight at the time. Ive been so open with him he has all my passwords and every move i make etc but even being that open doesnt seem to be helping. Somedays hes talkative and even gone to eat with me but others hes distant and wont go anywhere. Its like he starts to forgive then stops

AK,

How well does he get along with your D12? Do you have much contact with your ExH?

God Bless
Gamma

Well he was fantastic with her since she was 3 hes been the only father shes known as her bio dad choose not to be involved. When dh and i got into this issue hes really distanced himself from daughter but in the last two monthes hes been helping her with homework again and reconnecting but hes still distant.

AK,

Do you think he sees you as sabotaging your pregnancy to keep your link to your EX "special"?

You didn't answer my question, do you have contact with your X and did your current relationship begin as a affair?

Please don't get offended by the question, it's not an accusation, just a diagnostic question.

God Bless
Gamma

No my current relationship didnt began as affair. My daughters bio dad and i were not married and we have no contact. I began dating hubby when daughter was a year and 1 year old.

Has your husband seen a doctor? Your description of the situation sounds like depression. A miscarriage can be very traumatic.

No he hasnt seen one and he wont! Hes so stubborn! He said he feels like hes in a funk, he doesnt want to do anything fun. He said he guesses hes depressed but not like depresssed as in he wants to hurt himself or anyone. I think the miscarriage has been a reason but i really think the breakdown of trust and the hurt from lying to him is the real issue. We literally went from being bffs and tellung each other everything to roomates. I know i to have gone through depression early on and saw a dr and am taking med to help.

Hubby was just mad the first 4 mths and so busy i think he didnt deal with the issues till recently. Now that he isnt busy everyday like he was all summer- oct i think things are finally hitting him and thats why hes depressed but im just guessing

Wow it sounds as if you have not yet learned how to talk honestly and openly together. Being depressed after a miscarriage is understandable and is not unhealthy if it helps him to process the loss but there comes a point when it must end and sometimes ADs are needed for that.

You must tell him that his depression is impacting all three of you and has to be addressed. What do you know about the Policy of Joint Agreement?

Ive read through it but he doesnt seem willing to do anything. He says he will figure stuff out on his own :-(. Everything i suggest he turns down. He says he doesnt know if hecan trust me again and if theres no trust theres no marriage! So its like im in limbo because hes unwilling to do anything to make things better. In the last two months he has reengaged more but its taking forever and i feel so unloved. I feel like nothing is going to get better and it will be up to me to either live like this or divorce him.

Its like hes waiting for some great answer to cometo him and till it does hes doing nothing!!!

I think the dynamic here is that DH had invested a great deal of care and hope in what was to be his (first?) bio-child that he has transferred and focused his devastation at your miscarriage to resentment at your actions. Bear in mind that you have a bio-child, and he has not been successful in creating a healthy one with you, so the (irrational) suspicion takes shape that it is "his" fault.

Dancing around this (if I'm correct) will not ever get you and him back together. Somehow he must face his grief at the loss of your child and deal with it as an entity, isolated from extraneous factors such as your inability to tell him, when it was necessary, that you were opposed to having tests done at that time. (Ahhh, the value of O&H!)

If he were here, that would be my input to him.

Also here's a radio clip on the different types of resentment.

Radio clip on the Different Types of Resentment