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Okay, that's helpful Glove Oil, thanks. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed! We have worked so hard and have what I consider to be a very happy marriage. It's just this thing that we need to work out.
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What do you mean stop capitulating? I always bring things up and then negotiate to some sort of resolution as best I can. For example, how could I have not capitulated with the ex-girlfriend email that I described at first? Or with the co-worker handyman example? What I mean by capitulating is allowing this to continue AT ALL. In my marriage we have a hard and fast rule: no opposite sex friendships. We don't ever have these kinds of issues. No opposite sex friendships: that is an appropriate boundary, RATHER than taking it situation by situation because inappropriate situations continue to pop up. In my marriage, we don't have this problem because we have this hard and fast rule. Will he agree to end all opposite sex friendships?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Okay, that makes sense.
Before we got married we agreed that we would not spend time with anyone from the opposite sex (other than family) without us both being there. One exception is that my husband will sometimes go to lunch with a friend who brings his girlfriend who also works with them, I think my husband considers himself friends with both of them but he doesn't spend time with her alone so I am okay with that. We also agreed not to have phone calls with people of the opposite sex (other than family, of course).
I think the two points of difficulty would be text (my husband thinks of them as informal and he shows me his phone so I know the content) and that he would probably call some of the women he works with "friends" although he doesn't spend time with them outside of work. He would probably get hung up on the semantics if I said, "no opposite sex friends" because he likes to call everyone a friend.
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Yes, I can tell he has opposite sex friendships at work. That is indicated by the divorced lady texting him for handy man help. That is where the problem lies. Anytime he has personal conversations with members of the OS, it creates a risk to your marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have a similiar issue in marriage, hubs being very open and receptive to emotional relationships with other women. I have tried to talk about my feelings on the matter and how it impacts our marriage, but he just isn't hearing it. He says that I am co-dependent and am the one needing to make changes. So, do you ladies feel that nixing relationships with other women is healthy, or co-dependent?
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... So, do you ladies feel that nixing relationships with other women is healthy, or co-dependent?
Everyone who reads this should read the link that BrainHurts has posted, below.
Last edited by GloveOil; 12/27/12 02:53 PM. Reason: added reference to link
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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I have a similiar issue in marriage, hubs being very open and receptive to emotional relationships with other women. I have tried to talk about my feelings on the matter and how it impacts our marriage, but he just isn't hearing it. He says that I am co-dependent and am the one needing to make changes. So, do you ladies feel that nixing relationships with other women is healthy, or co-dependent? Welcome to MB. Have you read what Dr. Harley says? Are "Friends" a Threat to Your Marriage?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Thanks for the input. Just read the article that you suggested. Sounds helpful if I can get the other mule hitched and pulling in the harness, so to speak! Looks like I have some more reading to do. Do you know if any of Dr Harley's books are available for download to my Kindle?
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Thanks for the input. Just read the article that you suggested. Sounds helpful if I can get the other mule hitched and pulling in the harness, so to speak! Looks like I have some more reading to do. Do you know if any of Dr Harley's books are available for download to my Kindle? Yes, His Needs Her Needs and Effective Marriage Counseling.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
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Thanks for the input. Just read the article that you suggested. Sounds helpful if I can get the other mule hitched and pulling in the harness, so to speak! Looks like I have some more reading to do. Do you know if any of Dr Harley's books are available for download to my Kindle? Yes, His Needs Her Needs and Effective Marriage Counseling. And Surviving An Affair.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Dr Harley says quite publicly he does not trust his wife and she does not trust him. And they are both experts on how to prevent affairs. They are in love, devout Christians and their marriage is their business, their bread and butter. However we are none of us trustworthy 100 per cent of the time. If we were, we'd be saints. We are all wired to have an affair. We can all fall in love with someone of the opposite sex if that person meets one of our emotional needs. If you don't think it can happen to you because of your conviction or will-power, you are particularly vulnerable to an affair. And if you think your spouse would never have an affair, you are also vulnerable.
Look what happened to poor Kathy Lee Gifford. She stated publicly and wrote in one of her books that she trusted her husband completely, that he would never cheat on her. But she should not have trusted her husband. If she would have taken the steps she is now taking to help him avoid another affair, the first would never have taken place, and she would have avoided all its pain and embarrassment. I don't trust my wife completely and she doesn't trust me, and that's why neither of us have ever had an affair. Lack of trust does not make spouses paranoid and miserable, it makes their marriages safe.
[. Key phrase: "When you kept your promise to not contact her, I felt you were trustworthy." "I will not stay in a marriage where I am not the first priority" "I will not stay in a marriage where 'politeness' is the priority" "I will not stay in a marriage where (insert excuse) is the priority" "I expect my husband to have good boundaries with members of the opposite sex" "Please do not invite advances from other women. I want you to deter women, not encourage them"
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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So, do you ladies feel that nixing relationships with other women is healthy, or co-dependent? It is BOTH. "Co-dependence" is the healthy IDEAL in marriage. "Co-dependence" is only unhealthy in a marriage with an active alcohol or narcotic addict. Marriage Builders creates very "co-dependent" [aka integrated] marriages. Opposite sex friendships are not good in a healthy marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Co-dependance simply means exclusive, intimate, close and acting as one unit. Exactly what you want in a marriage!
Its an unhealthy relationship if it's with a parent, or as ML says, with someone untrustworthy like an addict, but misuse of this term is 'ruining marriages' according to Dr Harley.
Can you start you own thread? The fact he is 'getting things' from other women, i.e. needs met, and has gone to the lengths of researching excuses to gaslight you is very troubling.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Hello, In my own experience, my husband and I were married about 18 months when I discovered accidentally that he had been in contact with an ex-lover over phone and email, while away working. A long distance relationship is hard enough, but this kind of stumble is devastating. Trust is tenuous at best, because you have so little that is tangable, while apart, so to have a deep, fearful wound with doubt is crazy-making.
I was upset, first because he lied. Then admitted to it, then called her back to say that I was upset and they should no longer have contact. Her contact info still in his phone. He is so secretive, I really don't know.
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Jenny I suggest you post this is "surviving an affair" forum
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